Infinity
by wheredidtheygo
Summary: Tegan and Sara see each other after three years of barely any contact, and it's a bittersweet reunion. Tegan and Sara. Quincest. AU.
1. Je T'aime Ma Cherie

**A/N: **Hey all! I'm just posting this as a sort of teaser until I finish up Under Your Skin, which should be wrapping up soon. I haven't written much angst, so hopefully this turns out not too bad. Hope you like it. :)

Also, I got the title from the song Infinity by The XX and the lyrics will fit into the story so you should go listen to it. It's a really good song.

* * *

I unlock the three military grade locks of the door to the pathetic excuse I call home. I shuffle my way in, flicking the light on, and kick the many empty takeout containers out of my way. I told myself days ago that I would clean this dump up. I tell myself a lot of things these days. I throw my bag onto my twin mattress laying on the floor and open the fridge. A groan passes my lips as I look into the near empty shelves and drawers, remembering that buying groceries was one of the things I told myself. I pull out the one Tupperware container and hesitantly open it. My nose is instantly violated by the putrid smell and my hand flies to my mouth as I gag. I quickly snap the cover back on and toss it towards the overflowing garbage. As if in slow motion, it slides off the top and onto the ground. The lid pops off and the contents spill all over the ground. I angrily stick my middle finger up in its direction, slamming the fridge door shut. I desperately dig through the cupboards, hoping to find anything that isn't expired. I let out a cry of triumph as I spot a small package of saltine crackers.

I plop down on my mattress with my crackers and glass of water. It's nights like these, which happen more often than not, that i'm glad i'm alone and there's no one to witness me in this pitiful state. I pull my phone out of my bag, ignoring every new text and missed call, and tap my way to the video folder. I select the only video listed and hit play, brushing the crumbs off my shirt as I nibble on the crackers.

_"Say hi." I tell her. The lens blurs her glowing, post-coital upper half before focusing in. Her brown, shoulder length hair lies sprawled out around her face and her bare skin is coated with a light sheen from sweat._

_"Stop. Put that thing away." She whines, raising her hand to cover the lens and the screen goes black. "I look gross."_

_I grab her wrist and pull her arm away. She comes back into view and she looks annoyed, her eyebrows furrowing and lips pressed tight. "You're beautiful," I tell her. _

_She tries to fight off the corners of her lips from pulling into a smile and she covers her face. I again pull her hand away. Her neck and chest are turning a dark pink from the compliment. She takes my hand in hers, kissing my palm and holding it against her cheek. Closing her eyes, she nuzzles into it._

_"We only have one month left until we graduate. Are you ready to conquer the world?" I ask. The pad of my thumb gently strokes the soft skin under her chin._

I pop the rest of the cracker into my mouth, the memory of asking the question so fresh in my mind as if I had only asked it yesterday. In reality, it had been three years. It was a day we talked about forever, walking across the stage and receiving our much deserved degrees. The day we got entire freedom and stood with the world at our feet. We realized soon after that day handling freedom was something we didn't do well.

_"Only if you're by my side." She answers me. _

_"I wouldn't have it any other way." I walk my fingers across her collar bone, down between her breasts to her bellybutton, laying my hand flat. "Tell me you love me."_

_"You know I do." She says simply. _

I had known. It wasn't something we needed to tell each other often, to prove or remind ourselves that we did. When she looked at me with those twinkling hazel eyes, I could see it. When she laughed at all of my corny jokes, I could hear it. Every time we touched, even if it was just the slight brush of our shoulders as we passed in the hall, I could feel it. Each time my lips would collide with her body, I could taste it. And when I looked into the mirror, I could see it. Her love had left impressions all over me. I had become the epitome of this girl's love.

But those impressions had turned to scars and now I was only a shell of what that love had meant. Or what I had thought it meant.

_"I want to hear it. Say it."_

_She looks away from the camera and into my eyes. I stop watching her on the camera screen and look at her. She rests her hand on mine. "I love you, Tegan."_

_"Say it how I like it." I zoom in on only her face. Each perfect imperfection crystal clear. She blinks and licks her lips._

_"Je t'aime, ma cherie." She says with a flourish._

The accent she had perfected over the years of studying her love of the French language always made the butterflies in my stomach take flight. It still does. I can only imagine what it were to sound like today. Even though i've watched this video every single day for over three years, I fear that if I were to hear it in person today, I wouldn't recognize that it belonged to her.

I hold in the back button and suddenly she's moving backwards. I let go, and she tells me again.

"_Je t'aime, ma cherie." _I love you, my dear.

She says it as many times as I want. Usually i'm greedy and I lose count of how many times she tells me everyday.

_She grins at me and takes the camera from my grip. She focuses it on me, where I sit straddling her waist. The tangled bed sheet wrapped around my body. I cross my eyes and stick my tongue out at her and the camera wobbles as she giggles._

I hit pause, taking a moment to study my younger self. I don't recognize her; so happy and full of life compared to the hollowed eyed drone I have become. The living dead. The first sign of the zombie apocalypse.

_"Now tell me." She demands. I, too, look away from the camera and at her._

_"I love you, Sara. Forever." I tell her. I let the sheet fall from my body and lie next to her. Moving my legs under the covers, I pull the sheet back up, covering us both._

_She holds the camera above us. She flips the screen so we're staring at ourselves; two identical faces. I turn my head towards her, kissing her on the cheek. She hands the camera back to me and I continue to hold it above us. She rolls onto her side, curling into my body. We lay there for minutes, the camera catching every stroke of my hand running through her hair and the noisy yawn she lets out in the crook of my neck._

"_Hey sleeping beauty, it's not even 9." The sun had only just gone down, the moon now our only light source in the dark bedroom. "Did I wear you out?" I tease._

_She lets out a short breathy laugh, "You wish." _

I close out of the video, placing the phone back in my bag and shove it onto the ground with my foot. I lay down, not bothering to put on pajamas and pull the large, plush comforter up to my neck, surrounding myself in its feeling of safety. There I lay, wondering how at the young age of 25, I already had my best years behind me.


	2. She Wants To See You

My phone rings and vibrates loudly in my bag against the hard wood floor. I struggle to reach my hand in and find it amongst the other junk laying in there through my sleep filled haze. It was too early to be calling, even though it was probably around noon. I never woke up earlier than that on the weekend. My hand finally finds the phone and I push answer, holding it up to my ear.

"Hello?" I say groggily, probably also sounding a bit annoyed.

"Please don't tell me I woke you up." The person on the other end responds.

"It's Saturday, Mum."

"You're also an adult." I hear her sigh. It's always the same words exchanged whenever she calls or on the rare occasion I visit her house, only a twenty minute bus ride and ten minute walk away. "Don't you have things to do? Friends? Work?"

"No." I answer shortly. "Did you call just to berate me on my non-existent life or... ?"

In the background I can hear her the muffled sounds of her talking to someone. I know she's got her hand over the phone where she speaks into, and i'm curious to know who she doesn't want me to know who's talking with her.

"No. I called because...," she pauses, taking a sip from whatever it is she is drinking, "because your sister is in town."

"Good for her...?" I say, confused. Mum should know that I never have any desire to see Sara on the rare chance she's home and as far as I know, that rare chance has been one time in the past three years. She came home for the Christmas after we had broken up and I refused to see her and celebrate the holidays that year. Mum yelled at me for upsetting Sara and ruining Christmas, but I didn't care. She didn't know how Sara had ruined me, and if I could get back at her, even if just a fraction of the pain she caused me, then that was the best present I could ask for. Since then, i'm pretty sure she hasn't been back or Mum doesn't tell me if she is. She doesn't tell me anything about Sara, though that probably has more to do with me not asking.

"She wants to see you." She says, and I don't believe her. Why should I?

"Hah! Bullshit." I scoff, and I hear more muffled talking.

I throw my comforter off my body and stand, stretching my arms out. I cradle my phone between my ear and shoulder and walk over to the fridge. I open it on instinct, forgetting my failed attempt at finding any edible food on the shelves last night.

"Don't be difficult, Tegan." She tells me. I find another small package of crackers and tear them open. If I don't go grocery shopping by today, i'm sure to starve to death.

"I'm not, Mum. _You_ just want us to fix things, _you _want us to be friends." I start getting defensive. "If _she_ wants to see me, then why didn't _she _call?"

"Would you have answered?" She snaps, growing impatient with my attitude.

I don't respond. We both know I wouldn't have. I'm not even positive the number I have for Sara is even correct anymore.

"It's been three years, Tegan." She says, now sounding sad and exhausted. I'm sure this wasn't the relationship she envisioned her twin daughters having. Though a relationship with them being in love probably wasn't one she had in mind either, not that she knew anything about that. "Don't you think it's time you two got over your issues and acted like real sisters again? You used to be so close. She's been pacing the kitchen all morning, drinking her body weight in coffee, and wracked with nerves."

I give a small smile. Sara always loved her coffee. I was the only one she wouldn't threaten to kill if someone tried talking to her before she had her first cup of the day, sometimes second. I get lost in the memories of her morning bed head and how she always cupped her mug close to her face to inhale the scent as it cooled down and her kisses always tasting like coffee. I momentarily forget i'm on the phone when Mum speaks up.

"She'll be around all day if you decide to come." She mistakes my silence as a rejection to Sara's wants, seemingly having lost all of her ever waning patience with me. "Bye, Tegan."

She hangs up and I toss my phone onto my mattress. I chew the last stale cracker and strip myself of my clothes as I walk to the bathroom, leaving them sprawled about. I turn the shower head on and wait for the water to turn warm before stepping into the small, square shower and sliding the glass door shut.

I face away from the water and let it spray against my back, the multitude of water drops racing down my skin. My feelings battle with each other, trying to decide if I should go see Sara or not. Of course I want to, I still love her and I am dying to know how she is doing, and if she looks any different. But on the other hand, it would be devastating to know if she is doing well, is happy, and dare I think it and jinx myself, dating and in love with someone else. Then there's the issue of how I would present myself to her. Do I want to make it seem like i'm happy and better off without her, making her jealous or go as I am, depressed and bitter, making her regret her choice and get back together with me out of pity.

I mull over these terribly tough life decisions and pick up the shampoo bottle from the floor. My apartment is so cheap and run down it doesn't even have a shelf in the shower. I squirt a small amount into my hand and lather it up in my hair, scrubbing and scrubbing, rinsing, then moving onto the conditioner. I rub my skin raw with my loofah loaded up with coconut scented body wash. Sara always said she loved the smell.

Oh. Well I guess i've made up my mind then.

I rinse my body and turn the faucet off, stepping out. Grabbing the towel off the rack, I wipe off the steamy mirror and inspect myself, trying to think back to how I looked three years ago. _Happier_, my subconscious tells me.

"No shit." I mutter to my reflection.

I stick my arms out, and look at them. No doubt are they a lot more inked. My left arm is almost completely covered in tattoos. Should I wear a long sleeved shirt and hide them? I curl my biceps and tense them, i'm definitely a lot more lean and muscular but with my recent eating habits, or lack of, have left my eyes a bit sunken in and my cheekbones more pronounced than ever. I turn to the side. My breasts have shrunken noticeably but they're still bigger than normal for someone of my small stature, and my ass still looks great. At least I have something going for me.

I dry off the rest of my body and leave the bathroom. I pull open the top drawer of my dresser; underwear. The options are limited, mostly all black bras and an assorted color of boy shorts. I decide to match and grab a pair of the black boy shorts and step into them, pulling them up and hook the bra behind my back. Next drawer; tops. I choose a dark blue tee with an artsy graphic on it and slip it over my head. Picking out bottoms is the easy part. I only own a few pairs of skinny jeans and the September weather is too chilly to wear shorts. I grab the same pair I wore yesterday and also slept in, pulling them on.

I go back to the bathroom to brush my teeth and dry my shaggy hair enough so that it won't freeze outside. I grab a red hoodie from my laundry pile and slip it on, zipping it halfway. I take my wallet from my bag and shove it into my back pocket along with my phone, clip my keys to a belt loop, and head to the door. I pause when I start to turn the handle. If I leave now, i'll look desperate, and I don't want Sara to think she still has such a hold on me, even if she does. I pull the door open, deciding to run down to the grocery store to pick up some things first.

I arrive back about an hour later, putting all the cold stuff in the fridge or freezer and leave everything else on the counter in the bags since I have to sort through the cupboards anyway. I walk back out the door, locking each lock and quietly bang my body against the door to make sure it was secure. Satisfied, I amble to the bus stop a block away and wait on the bench. One would think that after years of riding the bus, I would have gathered a sense of when the buses arrived and departed but I always found myself either getting lucky and only having to wait a couple minutes, or just missing it and having to wait another 25 minutes. I only wait about 10 minutes before I see it turn the corner. I pull out my bus pass and flash it to the driver after he stops and opens the door. I find an open window seat in the back and sit down.

Most people hated having to take public transportation, but I loved it. It soothed me, giving me time to clear my mind and people watch. There weren't many people on the bus now. An old woman sat up front bundled in a large coat with multiple bags surrounding her, a few college kids most likely heading to the library for some studying, a teenage couple holding hands and nuzzling into each other, and a tourist trying to figure out his map and where he was headed.

My anxiety builds as I notice my stop approaching. I tug the rope and the 'Stop Requested' sign lights up, letting the driver know. It starts to sprinkle when I step off the bus and begin to walk the few blocks left to Mum's. If rain wasn't such a common occurrence in Vancouver, I would take it as a sign of a bad omen. I zip my hoodie up the rest of the way and pull on the hood. I walk slowly down the sidewalk, distracting myself from my thoughts by avoiding stepping on the cracks but stepping on any fallen leaf that looks super crunchy.

Before I have time to have second thoughts about this long awaited, and dreaded, reunion I spot Mum's house come into view. My feet stop of their own accord when I see Sara.

She sits on one of the two rockers on the porch, holding an open book with one hand and a coffee mug in the other.


	3. I Want To Know You

I stand there, frozen in fear. I know I look like a weirdo, standing in the middle of a suburban street hunched over with my hood covering my face, but my feet can't propel themselves forward towards the house. I hadn't prepared myself enough for this. I'm not ready, and I need to go back. I turn around and take a few long steps and stop, trying to control my breathing.

She looked how I always thought I would see her when we had our own house. I would sit in the chair next to her, with my own book in hand and a cup of tea. We wouldn't need to talk, just sit and enjoy the other's company as we got lost in the stories we held in our hands.

I turn back around and look at her again. If i'm going to wuss out and go home, I want to at least burn the image of her in my head before I go. For the most part, she looks exactly the same. She's cut her hair and it's tucked out of her face, behind her ears. She's also lost some weight, and she sports a conservative long sleeved top and a cardigan. That's one thing that hasn't changed.

She flips a page in her book and looks up, stretching her neck. I look around in panic, trying to see if there's a bush or anything I can jump and hide behind before her eyes spot me. Luck's not on my side and i'm caught like a deer in the headlights. She folds the corner of the page she's on in her book and sets it down. She stands and leans against one of the porch's posts, her gaze never leaving mine as we stand still for minutes, taking each other in. Eventually she flashes a hesitant smile and walks to the stairs leading down to the walkway. She knows i'm scared and is trying to compromise with me. If she takes one step, then so do I until we meet in the middle.

I start to walk slowly, and stop when I get to the start of the walkway, still standing on the sidewalk. She's made it down the stairs and stops when she is about five feet away. We take each others faces in at a closer view, and I try to read for any signs of how she feels. Her eyes don't exactly scream happiness, but she certainly doesn't look as rugged as I do.

"It's nice to see you." She says, choosing her words carefully, her lisp more noticeable than usual. It means she's nervous like I am, but she knows she has to be the strong one. She broke me, and she has to deal with the fragile pieces.

I look down, slightly nodding in agreement. I'm using every ounce of my self control to stop my lip from quivering and letting the tears fall from my eyes, even if they would go unnoticed in the now pouring rain

She takes a few more steps until there is only a foot between us. One of my feet scoots back a couple inches, my flight reflex preparing to take off down the block if threatened. I wince, my eyes squeezing shut and I pray she didn't notice the small movement, but I know she has and she stops.

"Can I have a hug?" She asks warily, realizing that a simple hug isn't just something she can have from me whenever she wants now.

I shrug, not denying her of her request. She steps forward and slides her arms around and behind my neck, squeezing tightly. My hands hover over her waist, not quite touching her. I'm afraid that if I did, I wouldn't be able to let go and they would have to get the Jaws of Life to detach me from her. She buries her face in my neck, inhaling my scent, and I can hear my heartbeat pound in my ears. I'm thankful I have my hood up, so that skin isn't touching skin but I can still feel the vibrations from the innocent moan she lets out, reveling in the inescapable familiarity and comfort of being in contact with me. It's too much for me to handle though, and I gently push on her stomach until she lets go.

"Sorry," she chuckles weakly, "coconut."

I look at her and she immediately closes her mouth, pressing her lips into a tight line. I can tell this wasn't the reunion she had in mind. She was expecting me to run to her with open arms once I laid my eyes on her, forgetting everything that had happened in our past. Well she was shit out of luck, I wasn't going to give her what she wanted.

I walk up the walkway, out of the rain, and sit on the middle step of the porch with my arms crossed, resting on top of my knees. She follows me and sits down as well, allowing a good few inches between us.

"So how are you?" She interrupts the silence, pulling at the small tufts of grass that grow in the cracks of the stairs.

"Okay." I say.

"Just okay?"

She throws the clump of grass in her hand into the air, and it flies away in the wind, getting beaten down back onto the ground by the heavy raindrops.

"Just okay." I confirm. I don't return the question, not caring to know. She sighs, understanding that she'll have to carry us through this whole ordeal.

"Are you seeing anyone?" She asks softly.

I turn my head and look at her, trying to read her expression. She flinches, flicking her eyes away and towards the door for a millisecond.

"Nope." I lean back on my elbows and stretch my legs out, hooking my ankles together. "You?"

"Yes." It comes out as more of a question than an answer, as she was debating whether or not to answer with honesty when she said it. She turns her body and faces me, and I try to keep my face void of any emotion.

"What's her name?"

"Emy."

_Emy. _I think about the type of girl who would have that name, and if she's suitable for Sara. She sounds like someone who would always be bubbly and talkative, or in other words, annoying. Not to mention Tegan and Sara rolls off the tongue more nicely than Emy and Sara.

"Do you love her?" I ask. My stomach drops at hearing my voice piece those words together.

"I don't know. It's possible." She props an elbow up on her knee and rests her chin in her palm, staring at me. "You haven't been seeing anyone at all?"

"Not really, mostly just hookups. I was hanging with this one girl for a couple of months but it didn't work out." I cringe at being so open about my relationships, or lack of.

A deafening crash of thunder booms in the distance, startling Sara. Her hand flies to mine, gripping it tightly in her own. I squeeze it comfortingly out of reflex, used to spending many nights with her scared, shaking body curled into mine while I rubbed soothing circles on her back until she fell asleep or the storming ceased. She allows herself to calm down before releasing my hand, carrying on with our conversation as if nothing happened.

"Why not?"

"Turns out girls want someone who is emotionally available." I say flatly, shaking my head and looking up at the grey sky. I prepare myself for the inevitable lecture and argument I knew was bound to happen about why I was still single. I just hoped I could keep myself from breaking down in front of her, and save it for the strangers on the bus.

"Tegan," she exhales, "you have to move on."

She says it like it's just so simple. Like riding a bike. How was I supposed to move on when I was still just as in love with her now as I was three years ago?

"I'm sorry it's not as easy for me as it so obviously was for you." I snap at her, anger coursing through my body. What on earth was I thinking when I decided to come here?

"It's not fucking easy, Tegan." She says, voice strained. The veins in her neck stick out as she tries to control herself from lashing out. She always did have a short temper. "I still love you, I just can't be with you. It's not healthy."

"Oh, but not talking for three years is? Don't use that bullshit excuse. I don't need this." I stand up, hopping off the stairs, and start to walk back to the sidewalk. Did she really have to say she still loved me? I could handle knowing we were no longer together because she didn't love me anymore, but knowing we still shared the same love but weren't together for other pathetic reasons was too much to bare.

"Wait, Tegan!" She stands and reaches out, bunching the fabric of my sleeve in her hand.

I jerk backwards, tripping over my feet. I steady myself and wrench my arm out of her grasp. My nostrils flare and I feel the first tear slide down my cheek, no longer caring what state Sara sees me in.

"I didn't want to see you just so we could fight," she continues. "I want us to be okay, to be like normal sisters. I want to know you. To know about your work, your hobbies, where you live, who your friends are, everything. Let me be a part of your life again."

Normal sisters? I roll my eyes at the idea. You can't go back to normal relationship with a sibling after you spent a quarter of your life having sex with them.

"You know what my job is. I go to work, come home, and feel like shit in my shitty apartment. I don't have friends. Now you know." I retort, wiping away another tear with the end of my sleeve. "Happy?"

"No!" She cries out in frustration, crossing her arms over her chest. "Take me to your apartment, I want to see it. Mum says you make good money from producing all those albums, it can't be that bad. Let me back in, Tee." She reaches out and takes one of my hands in both of hers, running the pads of her thumbs over my skin. She looks up at me with those brown, doe-like eyes through her eyelashes. "Please?"

"It's a shit hole, seriously." I mutter to the ground. She knows she's manipulating me into giving her what she wants by trying to calm me, and I can't help but be ashamed that now it's working. "But if you insist on seeing it, i'll call a cab."

She squeals in delight and releases my hand, running inside to grab her things while I call for a cab. I spot Mum in the window watching me as I give the man on the other end my information. She flashes me a smile and gives me a thumbs up. I ignore her, turning around and walking to the sidewalk to wait. Sara comes out just as the cab pulls up and I hold the door open for her while she slides in. I scoot in next to her, giving the man my address as he drives us towards my home sweet home.


	4. This Place is Filthy

**Sara's POV**

It's a quiet, dreadful ride to Tegan's apartment. I'll admit I was expecting a more smooth, happy reunion. Maybe not so much like a scene out of a movie, where we run into each other's arms in slow motion but also not the cold, drone-like Tegan I was met with. It's blatant that she still holds her grudges close, and I just want to grab her by the shoulders and yell "You don't know! You just don't know why! Just please forgive me!". I wish I could explain to her why I did everything that I did but I don't think we'll ever see that day. I only hope that we can move forward and salvage at least part of our relationship.

The driver turns onto a narrow, sketchy street and I look out the window, thinking that this better be a shortcut that saves us a great deal of time to Tegan's because I don't exactly feel safe. When the driver stops in front of a rundown apartment complex and Tegan hands the driver cash, before reaching for her door, I put my hand on her arm to stop her from opening it.

"What are you doing?" I ask, confused. There was absolutely no way Tegan allowed herself to live here. How had she not been kidnapped, robbed, or killed yet wandering her tiny little body around here? I knew she could hold her own, but there was still only so much someone of her size could do. I learned that the hard way, but I didn't want her to have to.

"Uh, I live here." She gives me a weird look, and gets out. I quickly slide across the seat and get out behind her, hoping she can still give me a sense of protection as I follow her into the building.

We step into the building and I immediately notice the off-putting smell, like a mix between cat litter and weed. The carpet is worn out in many places and the little paint left on the walls is peeling off. She leads us up the stairs to the second floor and to a door marked 15-B. The 'B' is hanging upside down and swings back and forth once she's done unlocking the three different locks.

"Welcome to my humble abode." She says flatly. She kicks garbage out of the way, clearing a path for us.

"Does Mum know you live here?" I ask in awe, looking around. Her entire apartment was probably the size of my bedroom in Montreal. This is a poor excuse of a studio apartment. There's barely any room for her twin mattress on the floor, dresser, and desk piled high with papers, mixing equipment and an expensive iMac. Tegan was always messier than I was, but never to this extent. My OCD causes my fingers to twitch, aching to clean this place until it is spotless.

"Nope. It's going to stay that way too." She turns and looks at me, one eyebrow raised, silently threatening me. She unzips her damp hoodie and shrugs it off her arms, revealing all the new tattoos I had never seen before. My fingers twitch again, this time wanting to trace my fingers across the decorated skin, dying to know the stories behind them.

I give her a short nod, promising that my lips are sealed. I know Tegan chose to live in this place by herself, but I can't help but feel terrible and somehow responsible. Perhaps if she lets me clean it, it'll somehow help to clean up the emotional mess between us.

"This place is filthy." I mutter, seeing the repulsive unknown contents of some pasta or something spilling out of the garbage and onto the floor.

"Did I not say that?" She says, exhausted. She pulls her computer chair over towards the kitchen and offers it to me, taking the kitchen counter as her own seat.

"I thought you were trying to be humble or something. Why do you live here?"

"I feel lonely enough as it is in this cramped place, why would I want a bigger, nicer place? Just to make myself feel worse?" She mumbles. Her knuckles are turning white from clenching onto the edge of the counter, trying to hold herself from letting out a choked sob.

I know she's said that mostly in hopes that i'll feel guilty, and it does. How could it not? Of course it tears me a part to see her like this. I only want what's best for her, and for her to be happy. But I don't let her know that, for reasons unknown to even me.

"You don't have to be so dramatic. It's not that bad." I say, and it comes out more snippy than I intended but I don't have time to correct myself before she's reacting.

She hops off the counter and grabs onto both armrests on my chair, leaning in close to my face. Her hollow pupils are dilated and her breath is coming in quick, short angry breaths. She lifts her hand and jabs a bony pointer finger into my chest. I lean back as far in the chair as I possibly can without toppling backwards, afraid she's going to thrust her hand into my chest, squeezing my heart until it no longer beats, matching the nothingness she feels.

"Fuck you, Sara!" She screams, her lips curling back into a sneer. "You can't just ride in one day on your fucking high horse of happiness and tell me my life isn't that bad. Look at my home! Look at me! I fucking hate my life. I wake up everyday wanting to die because my life walked out on me three years ago and took everything that I was with her!"

I swallow loudly, positive that even the neighbors could hear it. I look back and forth between her eyes, trying to use that twin telepathic bullshit and let her know that I know. I know that it sucks, and that it hurts. But it's how it has to be and we can't let it ruin us.

Her hand is now curled around my top, bunching the fabric. Her eyebrows pull down into an angry expression and I shut my eyes in anticipation, thinking she's going to hit me for not responding, for making her feel this way. Luckily her cellphone starts to ring in her pocket before I have a chance to find out and she answers it, not bothering to mask her current mood, speaking shortly with the person on the other line until she hangs up.

"I need to go fill out some release forms at work. I'll be back in a couple hours. You can hang around and we can finish this fun little chat we're having or you can get a cab back to Mum's." She walks around the room, collecting her bag, a clean, dry hoodie, and a searching through a file folder, flipping through until she pulls out a particularly fat one and crams it in her bag, heading for the door. She keeps her hand on the knob and turns back to me, still glued to the computer chair. "Make sure the doors are locked, whether you stay or go." She says, opening the door and briskly walking out.

I remain in the chair, trying to comprehend what just happened. The only times Tegan would ever get in my face like that was for foreplay because she knew I liked it rough and intense every once in awhile. In this context, however, it just made me want to break down and cry. It was completely out of character for the Tegan I knew to do something like that, but maybe Tegan and I didn't know one thing about the people we currently were. Perhaps it would have been best if I just came to Vancouver without her knowing.

I need to do something to distract myself. I get up and turn each lock, tugging on the door to make sure it's secure. Leaning against the door, I look around and wonder where to even begin. I might not be here when Tegan gets back, she made it clear she wanted me to go with the obvious sarcasm in her voice, but I can't leave knowing she'll return to this mess.

I start with the overflowing garbage, finding the spare bags under the sink, and just picking up everything off the floor and collecting the bag from the bathroom. Before long, there are three stuffed bags sitting by her door and floor you can actually see. I move on to her laundry, folding everything and stuffing it all neatly into the dresser. I suppress a laugh when I open her underwear drawer, seeing it all arranged by color, a neat little row of her boy shorts creating a rainbow. I knew I wasn't the only one who got OCD, hers was just very mild compared to mine. I don't touch anything on her desk, afraid that there's some type of weird organization to her methods. I don't need to mess it up and give her even more reason to hate me.

Next, I scrub everything down. Counters, floor, toilet, shower, and sinks until they are spotless, throwing the last paper towel into the empty trash bin. I wipe my forehead and take a look around. It's such an improvement, I can hardly believe it's the same place I walked into only a couple hours ago. I'm hoping the saying "A Clean Home Is A Happy Home' will ring true for her.

I open the door to the only closet in the place, hoping to find more paper towels, not wanting to leave the holder empty. There's nothing but a washer and dryer, which seems odd for an apartment so run down to have. Above them is one shelf that's too high up, I can't quite see what's on it. I stand on my tippy toes and blindly feel around, coming across what feels like a shoebox. That's strange, I think, the only other organized place in here was her mat by the door which held all her shoes in a straight line, why would she have a random pair of shoes up here?

Curiosity gets the better of me and I carefully pull it down, its contents moving about. It's sort of heavy and I don't have clue as to what is in it. Obviously not shoes. A voice inside me is telling me to put it back, that it's clear it was not meant to be for others to see is almost completely drowned out by the other voice telling me to hurry and look before Tegan gets back and catches me.

I set the box on her mattress and sit down next to it. I run my hands across the top, wiping off the layer of dust, seeing that it used to hold a pair of Converse shoes. Whatever is in it now though hasn't been looked at in months. My insides flop around like a fish on dry land as I lift the cover off.


	5. The Box

I set the lid down and peer into the box. Inside sits a human heart.

Just kidding. Well, kind of.

It was everything that Tegan felt inside her heart. It was me. It was us.

I feel a painful stab in my own heart. I feel guilty. I didn't have anything like this in my home. I had a small stack of pictures, sure, but that was it and they too, were kept hidden. The stack Tegan had in this box more than quadrupled mine and I carefully lift them out.

I begin flipping through them and my smile gets a little bigger after each one. There wasn't one picture of us without the other. It was always me and her, always. I realize quickly that I had forgotten about a lot of these moment and my sadness doubles. There were even a few I had never even seen before. One of them is of us at a college party with me passed out on the floor of someones living room with her crouched next to me with a huge grin, giving the camera two thumbs up. I shake my head at my inability to hold barely any alcohol and flip to the next. Our roles are reversed and I sit on the edge of a tub, holding Tegan's hair back as she vomits into the toilet, looking bored with my chin resting in my palm. She wasn't much better with alcohol either.

There are many of us from both our high school and college graduations, diplomas in one hand, and our other arms are draped over each other's shoulders. A few are from when she convinced me to let her roommate take pictures of us acting couple-y. They're the only somewhat professional ones of us that exist and I hope these are the only copies in existence. Underneath those are random ones Tegan and I took ourselves of us laughing, smiling, kissing. There wasn't a single picture with us looking anything less than happy.

I get to the last photo and strange sound that's a mix between a laugh and sob escapes from my mouth. I have a copy of it back home, it was the only picture I really cared about. I turn the picture over and see a small caption written on the bottom. "The start of something beautiful" is scrawled out in Tegan's messy handwriting. I flip it back over, running a trembling finger down Tegan's smiling sixteen year old face. The first tear of many falls from my eye and splatters onto the picture, distorting my own face with an identical smile.

I could never forget the night that the picture was taken. The night of our first date.

_I lean against my headboard, opening my book to where I had last left off. I was just getting lost in the words when I could hear a faint thud against the wall every few seconds. The sound was coming from Tegan's room, right where her bed was. I set my book down and pressed my ear to the wall, listening carefully. I could hear Tegan sighing and I swear I could hear her whispering my name as well. It wasn't difficult to figure out what she was doing, but I was surprised that it was my name she was saying. Did we know any other Sara's? I couldn't think of any. I listen until she finishes, heat pooling in my own core, and I looked down to see my hand pressing against the conveniently placed seam in my jeans. When had I started doing that? My hand falls back to rest by my side, and I smile. I had realized and excepted in junior high that I had more than sisterly feelings for Tegan. I didn't think they were reciprocated, but apparently they are and now that I have my chance, i'm not going to let it pass._

_I wait a few more minutes before walking to Tegan's room and knocking on the door quietly before entering on my own. She's now sitting at her desk with a thick textbook open working on a science assignment. She turns around and looks at me with a bored expression, waiting for me to say what I came to say. I glance over to her messed up bed sheets and back to her, opening my mouth and just coming out with it, leaving me no time to think about the consequences._

_"Do you want to go out sometime? With me?" I ask, never breaking our eye contact. Girls found confidence sexy, right?_

_"Like on a date?" Her eyebrows scrunch together, but her eyes betray her by lighting up with excitement._

_"Yeah."_

_She turns back around and faces her homework before answering._

_"Okay." She says so it nonchalantly that I think for a moment she didn't understand what I was asking but I know Tegan is smarter than that._

_"Cool. This weekend?"_

_"Okay." She repeats, writing down an answer in her notebook._

_"Cool." I try to echo her relaxed grace before I go back to my room to silently celebrate._

_I lay in bed half the night night trying to come up with a cute first date idea, without making it obvious my twin sister and I were on a date. Then there was the issue of money, but if we told Mum we were going on a double date, then she would hand us both some and not get suspicious. I roll onto my side and hug one of my pillows to my chest, falling asleep just a few hours before my alarm will go off and dream of what we could be._

_Friday night rolls around and Tegan and I are in the living room waiting for Mum to find her camera. She insisted she needed a picture for this memorable night where her two babies were going out on their first double date. Neither Tegan or I complained, we both wanted a picture of us on the night of our first date. After we got Mum to calm herself and assure her we didn't need a ride and were meeting our fictional dates there, we are out the door, walking side by side to the small movie theater about a mile away._

_I hold the door open for her and she shyly thanks me, walking up to the ticket counter and asking for one. I step up next to her and tell the young guy working to make it two and I pay for the both of us, not even caring what movie Tegan chose. She walks ahead to the candy counter while I wait for my change and our tickets. She hands me a root beer and bag of gummy worms, keeping the Coke and Reese's Pieces for herself. I thank her and she leads us to the correct room._

_I internally sigh in relief while we find seats in the last row, thankful that we already know everything about each other, and don't have to waste our time learning what the other likes or doesn't, and what works and what doesn't._

_The theater is nearly empty, save for a few older couples. The lights dim and the previews start playing. Tegan opens her candy, shoving a handful into her mouth. I smile at her obnoxiousness, and she turns to look at me, smiling back with her gummy smile, trying to hold the chocolate in her mouth. I wonder how she can manage to be so cute without even trying, and if she thinks the same about me. We sit quietly through the movie, and I end up missing more than half of it from paying too much attention to watching Tegan smile and laugh. I managed to hold her hand for awhile before she subtly let go when someone got up to use the bathroom, not wanting them to see us. I completely understood why she did it, and probably would have done it myself if she hadn't beaten me to it, but it still made me frown, knowing that that was something we would always have to be conscious of._

_Pretty soon the credits are rolling and we shuffle out, throwing our garbage away and stepping back out in the cool, dark air. We stand in silence as she waits for me to take charge, but i'm still admiring her and reveling in the fact that we're on a date._

_"It's almost 10, we should probably head back home." She says, looking down and twisting her fingers together nervously. It's obvious she has no idea what the protocol is for ending a date with your own sister but luckily for her I have a plan._

_"There's something I want to show you first." I start walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction of home. She follows silently beside me, our hands brushing each others every few steps. I turn to look at her and she peeks over at me, smiling shyly. I smile back proudly. Sitting silently in a dark theater may not have been the best place for a first date, but I couldn't be happier with how things were going so far. It seemed like she would agree._

_As we reach our destination, the small park next to a great big woods, I grab her hand and lead us further into the darkness. I stop by a tree and guide her so her back is right up against the bark. I study her face, lit only by the pale moonlight, giving her a eerily angelic glow._

_"Close your eyes." I tell her._

_She looks at me with confusion and worry written all over her beautiful face. I give her a reassuring smile, letting her know she can trust me. She slowly closes her eyes. I take each of her hands in my own, the pads of my thumbs circling gently the smooth skin on the back of her hands. I lean in, feeling her warm breath pass through her parted lips and onto my own, making me feel giddy. I think she can feel my breath too and knows what is about to happen as her breathing is getting quicker and louder. I close the inch wide gap and my lips meet hers gently, my eyelids fluttering shut. She stands there frozen, and I briefly wonder if our forbidden act has turned her to stone. It must be her first kiss. After a couple agonizing seconds, she kisses back, her fingers curling around my hands and squeezing. Her lips are so soft, and salty from her popcorn. It was perfect._

_Eventually I reluctantly pull away and wait for her to open her eyes. She brings her hand up to her lips, still feeling mine there and smiles. If she were any more cuter, my heart would explode._

_I giggle and she slowly opens her eyes, looking at me with a twinkle in her eye. She starts to giggle too and I wonder what I could have done in a previous life to deserve Tegan in this one._

_"Now we can go home." I smile, turning to walk back to the entrance of the park._

I wipe more tears off my face, sniffling. How could we have gone from that to this? It wasn't fair.

Turning back to box, I debate whether I even want to look at what other items she felt she needed to save. I give in, knowing that the torture of not knowing would be more than knowing, and look around through the scattered contents. It's mostly an assortment of tickets from various concerts, movies, museums, and festivals we had gone to together. There's one that especially catches my and I pick it up. It's a bright yellow, crinkled wrist band from when we went to the Calgary Stampede together. It wasn't something either of us were really interested in, but there were rides and games for us to do, and they always had the greasiest, tastiest poutine. Tegan had told me she loved me for the first time when we were on the ferris wheel, sharing cotton candy. That must be why she kept the wrist band.

I wonder how and where she had kept all of these things throughout our relationship, and why she never bothered to show me it. If it was because she was embarrassed, she had no need to be. It was cute, and I would have gladly helped her collect things to put in it. But if she saw me looking at it now, she would freak out on me, again. I'm lucky she hasn't come back yet, it's been well over two hours. She probably thought I would leave right away and didn't see a need to come back when she said she would.

Sifting through more paper scraps, something shiny catches my eyes. I pick it up and rest it in the center of my palm. My empty hand moves to my stomach and I trace my finger around its twin, hanging from the chain around my neck. I told Emy it had belonged to my grandmother, but really it is one half of the set of our promise rings. Hers is a silver band, with a small strip of gold and mine is a gold band with a small strip of silver. The same, but opposite. Just like us.

I had taken to wearing it around my neck when it no longer belonged on my fingers. I tried for a while to stop wearing it altogether, but it felt like a piece of me was missing. It was the only part of Tegan I felt I had left, and I couldn't part with it. I knew what that had signified but I couldn't bring myself to go back and tell her I made a mistake even though I knew she would have taken me back without even thinking twice.

I'm honestly shocked that Tegan keeps hers hidden in this box, but I suppose I can't blame her for not wanting to carry around or constantly see a ring of now broken promises.

I set it back in the box and take out the last item to look at. A CD. I pop open the case and see burned disc with the words "best day of my life" hastily written on it. I can't even begin to think what is on it. Tegan was always recording us with the small handheld camcorder she bought our freshman year of college. She claimed she needed it for all of her music classes, but I knew better.

I look around the room for a laptop, not wanting to touch the huge iMac on her desk. I need to know what she considers the best day of her life. I spot a small macbook peeking out from one of her pillows and reach for it, opening it up. The screen lights up and another laugh-sob passes through my lips at her desktop background, another picture I had never seen before, but remember clearly it being taken.

It's of us the morning after out first night in the two bedroom apartment we rented together our junior year. I was sitting on the kitchen counter taking a sip from my coffee mug, looking up at the camera with a hint of a smile playing at my lips. Tegan sits cramped behind me, fingers linked together around my stomach. She's laughing from being out of breath trying to get in position behind me before the self timer on the camera went off. It took her a few tries and I just sat there drinking my coffee, swinging my legs back and forth, amused.

I carefully lift the disc out of the case, and push it into the slot on the right side of the laptop. It makes some weird noises, letting me know it's loading and the media player pops open, instantly starting the video.

It takes less than a second for my brain to recognize the scene that's going to play out, and the tears start to run a steady stream down my cheeks and onto my neck, staining my shirt. I'm staring at a younger, naked version of myself. We had just finished celebrating her landing an internship at huge record label in our usual way, with sex.

She walks her fingers down my body, resting her hand on my stomach, asking me to tell her I love her in the video. My skin erupts in goosebumps and I wrap myself up in Tegan's comforter even though they weren't caused by my being cold. I'm surrounded by her scent and it only makes me cry harder. I can't comprehend the video over my blurred vision and heart-wrenching cries. How could we have gone from that to this?

When the video stops, I put it on repeat and try to make it through without falling apart. I fail, again and again, sitting in the now dark apartment, the light from the screen the only source of light.

I don't notice Tegan's come back until I hear her mutter "Woah" and "Oh, you're still here." after she turns the lights on. I watch her with my puffy, red eyes look around the spotless room, nodding her head in satisfaction. She slips her shoes off and aligns them neatly with the others, setting her bag down by her desk as she comes over to see what i'm doing. All the color drains from her face when she sees the open box on her mattress and the video still quietly playing, and me swaddled in her blanket. I'm sure it's the last thing she expected see when she came home. I look up at her like child caught red-handed who just drew all over the walls with markers. I open my mouth to apologize, to say anything, but she sticks her hand out, motioning for me to keep my mouth shut. She closes her eyes and rubs her temples, trying to stop the massive headache that's sure to come, and walks into her bathroom, slamming the door shut.

I turn back to the laptop, hanging my head in shame. I think now that maybe it would have been a better idea to have just gotten a cab back to Mum's.


	6. Apologies Left Behind

**Tegan's POV**

I walk into the bathroom and slam the door. Fuck. How could I have left Sara in my apartment alone knowing she would snoop? I forgot that damn box was still even up there, I hadn't touched it in so long. It hurt too much to look through.

I turn the sink on and splash some cool water onto my face, giving myself a pep talk in my head. It is obvious she has been crying, and I admit it makes me feel a little better. I'm not as angry as I was during my little outburst earlier, but she just needs to know what my life is like. It's my turn to be the cold one, to let her cry and mourn over our broken selves.

I look up into the mirror and grimace. I look so old. I _feel _so old. But seeing me like this seems to make me finally understand just what my life has become and that things need to change. I can't let Sara be the driving force in everything I do anymore.

I walk back out and sit down next to her on the mattress, feeling confident i'm going to get the answers I want. She's sitting with her head down, shoulders hunched. I lean forward, hitting the play button on the keyboard and turn the volume up. I watch her reaction as she looks up and watches herself. I can only see the reflection of her happy self in her now sad eyes, and she looks over to me, trying to figure out my intentions.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, opening the same video and show her the screen. The mini version plays quietly in my hand and she glances from screen to screen.

"I've watched this everyday since you've left." I explain.

She doesn't respond, just settles her focus on the computer screen. I put my phone back into my pocket and watch along with her. It's such a surreal feeling watching this with her. I want to get inside her mind and know what she's thinking.

"We were really happy weren't we?" She speaks up when the clip is done. She wiggles her arms out of the blanket and ejects the CD, quickly closes the laptop, not wanting to look at my background. I blush. She moves the laptop down to the floor and sets the disc on top of it. She wipes a few tears away and faces me. "God, you must hate me."

"I could never hate you, Sar. But no, you haven't exactly been my favorite person for quite some time." I say quietly, tilting my head back and looking up at the ceiling, trying to find shapes in the mismatched paint, stains, and shadows. Sara and I used to do that when we were teens with the clouds after getting high during our stoner phase.

"I'm sorry." She sobs. "You don't know how sorry I am."

I wince at her being so emotional in front of me. I'd seen Sara cry before, but it was rare a thing to happen and it always left me feeling weird. She liked to keep things bottled up, so I know that she's sincere in her apology, but an apology won't allow me to move on.

"That doesn't exactly fix anything though, does it?" I say to the ceiling.

She let's out a particularly heartstring tugging sob and she tips onto my lap, crying into my thighs. She grabs onto my jeans, trying to clutch to the fabric with her bony fingers but they're too tight and she just keeps scratching and I can't help but feel it in places I don't want to.

I thought I could be cold towards her, even strong and demand that she give me what I want with no concern for her feelings but I can't, not when she's like this. It hurts me too much too. I pat her head gently, not used to comforting her, before starting to run my fingers through her hair, massaging her scalp. I don't say anything. I can't tell her it's okay or will be okay because it's not and I don't if it will be, but her crying gets softer as the minutes tick by, the touch of my hands enough to soothe her.

Eventually her crying stops altogether and the only sound she's making is a faint whistling every time she exhales. I push her hair out of her face and peek down. Her eyes are shut. She cried herself to sleep. In my lap. Great.

Luckily for me she's a heavy sleeper, and it's easy to unravel her from the blanket and lay her on her back with a pillow under her head. I know she hates sleeping in clothes so I undo her jeans button and tug them off without disturbing her. I chuckle when I see her underwear, white men's briefs by Calvin Klein. The same she's worn for as long as I can remember. I leave them on. She can suffer through sleeping in her tank and undies for the night. I fold the jeans neatly and place them next to the bed, not wanting her to freak out by having to put wrinkly clothes on in the morning. Her cardigan proves to be a little more difficult, but eventually I get both of her arms out of it without waking her. I fold it and set it on top of her jeans then start to bunch her shirt up over her stomach. When I see what's dangling from the silver chain around her neck, I immediately pull her shirt back down, a little too roughly. She furrows her eyebrows and groans, rolling onto her side away from me. I breathe a sigh of relief that she's still sleeping, but the rest of me is still panicking and I fall back, my back hitting the wall.

Why was she wearing our ring around her neck? Did she wear it all the time? Did her girlfriend- what was her name again, Emily?- know she wore it?

That was the last thing I was expecting, or wanting, to see. It represented so much of our relationship, what we had been through, and what we were going to go through together. She shouldn't have still been keeping it so close to her if she had moved on and was with someone else. I took it off as soon as I got back to our half empty apartment after watching her walk through the gates and towards her plane to Montreal.

I drop my head onto my knees and try to even out my breathing. Why did Sara have to come here? I was perfectly fine just trudging through my life without her to make things even more complicated. I can't help but think about the night I gave her that ring.

_I lead Sara to the same tree we shared our first kiss at over three years ago. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect relationship within that time. We rarely fought, and if we did, it was over stupid, trivial things. We knew each other so completely that everything came so easily to us. I loved her so much, and I just wanted to scream it from a rooftop to the world. I didn't care what people thought about our love, that they thought it was wrong or disgusting. We knew otherwise, that our love was so pure and right. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, sharing that love. I was positive she felt the same._

_"Why did you bring me here?" She smiles knowingly, pulling on one of the ends of my blue and grey (our school colors) scarf._

_It was fall break and we were back home in Calgary visiting Mum. It was past nine already, the only time we could go out and have some just us time in public without anyone seeing. It was one of the downsides to our relationship, but I felt it was completely worth it._

_"I don't know.. I guess I just really like this tree." I shrug my shoulders and return her smile._

_"Why's that? Looks like any other ol' tree in this park." She acts clueless, pulling me closer by my scarf._

_"But this tree..." I raise my eyebrows and widen my eyes, swinging my arms out to my side, putting the tree on display. "This tree has magical powers."_

_"Yeah? What kind of powers?" She lifts her hand to her face, giggling into it, and playing along._

_"The kind that makes people fall in love, of course!" I say, giving her a you're-crazy-for-not-knowing-that look._

_"Oh right, how could I be so ignorant! How does it work?"_

_"Close your eyes and i'll show you."_

_She closes her eyes, a huge grin still planted on her face. _

_I repeat every step she took when our roles were switched years ago. I take her hands in mine, the tops of my thumbs moving lightly across her skin. I lean in and hover my lips over hers, just like she had with me, before pressing and moving my lips against hers much more passionately and expertly than our first time. _

_She lets go of my hand and rests hers on my hip, sliding a couple fingers through one of the belt loops on my jeans to bring me closer to her._

_I slip my empty hand into my back pocket and pull out my own magic in the form of a ring. I try to subtly slide it onto her finger, taking the kiss deeper and running my other hand through her hair, tugging slightly to distract her and it seems to work._

_She pulls away, resting her forehead against mine, and breathes hard._

_"Works pretty good, huh?" I whisper, catching my own breath._

_She chuckles and nods, backing away. Her hand comes to rest on my cheek, her thumb barely grazing over my moist lips. She just stares at my face adoringly before noticing the new piece of jewelry on her finger. She brings it closer to her face, studying the shiny gold band with a small strip of silver on it._

_"Oh.." She says breathily, turning her hand over, unable to tear her eyes away. "I... uh.. "_

_I see a tear fall down her cheek and I frown. Is she happy or sad?_

"_I-If you don't want it, that's okay. It's really only just a promise ring. I wanted us to have something to symbolize our love, and the life we've had and will have together. I want you to know that i'm committed to you forever, and if I could, I would marry you in a heartbeat. But.. if you d-don't.." I blubber, unable to finish the sentence. I can't imagine my life without Sara as my love. I grab her hand to take the ring off but she slaps my hand away._

"_Don't!" She cries, holding her fist to her chest. "I want it." _

"_Then why are you crying?"_

"_They're tears of joy, you dumbass." She sniffles, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "I really love you, ya know."_

_I grin and pull her into a big bear hug, feeling happier than I ever thought was possible. "I love you too, Sasa."_

_She laughs into my shoulder at the use of her nickname, and turns her head to the side to speak. "Did you get a ring for yourself?" _

"_Oh, yeah." I reach into my pocket and pull out it's slightly different twin, a silver band with a gold strip. "Did you want to...?"_

_She nods, taking the ring from me. She grabs my hand and slips it onto my finger, straightening it out so the gold strip is facing up._

"_A perfect fit."_

I shake the memory from my head, the thoughts too painful to deal with right now. Everything is too painful right now. I want to sleep and put off thinking and dealing with Sara until the morning. I hop up off the mattress and go back into the bathroom. I open the medicine cabinet and pull out my Ambien, something i've grown a little too dependent on, and pop one into my mouth, washing it down with a glass of water. I walk back into the main room and flip all the lights off except for the one above the stove. That one stays on every night.

I can already feel the drugs kicking in so I quickly slip out of my clothes, tossing them into the laundry basket and opt to sleep in just my boy shorts and tank top and lay down next to Sara, pulling the blanket over the both of us. I'm tempted to cuddle up to her and throw my arm around her middle, just to feel her warm, soft body close to mine again but if she woke up and saw us like that she would probably punch me in the face. Or worse, cuddle into me even more and fall back into a peaceful sleep. I know she'll probably panic anyway when she wakes up with us in the same bed and half her clothes are off, but I just want her to be comfortable. I give a quick kiss on the crown of her head, her hair tickling my cheeks and the scent of her strawberry shampoo creeps into my nose. The simple gesture is enough to make my whole body and soul feel alive again. I pull away and flip over so our backs are to each other and i'm facing the wall, but no matter how much I scooch over, our backs are always slightly touching. Surprisingly enough, twins do not fit so well on a twin mattress.

I stare at the wall, wondering if maybe i'm bipolar based on how many moods i've gone through today but luckily the drugs cause me to succumb to sleep in only a couple minutes and I don't have time to think or internally freak out about having my lips against her again, even if it was in the most innocent of ways.

When I awake in the morning I find myself facing an empty apartment. Damn sleeping pills. Damn Sara. Where did she go? Why did she always have to run when she got scared?

I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes, getting up to check in the bathroom quick to see if maybe she's hiding in the dark in there. I walk back out and happen to glance down at my computer. There's a small piece of paper in place of the CD. I hesitantly pick it up and unfold it, reading the four short letters she wrote down.

_I'm sorry, ma cherie._

My fingers clench around the paper, crumpling it, and my other hand clutches onto my stomach. I feel like i've been kicked in the stomach and the wind's been knocked out of me. I don't know why but every time Sara called me "ma cherie" it just really got to me. It wasn't even anything special, all it meant was "my dear". But I loved her calling me that, and she loved calling me that. She knows what that does to me, and she wouldn't just say it on a whim like this.

It could only mean that she was still in love with me. I mean, why else would she still be keeping the ring so close to her, and after looking around, it seems like she took that CD as well.

I had to go get her. Now.

I wasn't going to let her leave until she was mine again or she gave me a legitimate reason as to why she left me in the first place and why we can't be together now.

I haphazardly put some jeans on and a hoodie, grab my bag, and dash out the door. I'm blinded by the sunlight and try to find my sunglasses in my mess of a bag while trying not to get hit by cars attempting to cross the street to get to the bus stop before I missed it coming around the corner.

I didn't know when Sara was leaving. She could be at Mum's now, drinking coffee, trying to relax while i'm left still a complete mess, or already on a plane. Or God forbid something happened on her way out. I don't think she knows this area of Vancouver very well and it would be so easy for someone to snatch her up. She could hold her own in a verbal argument, but if things got physical, she would be pulverized. I had to know she was okay.

I get onto the bus and head to the back, sitting down and trying to catch my breath. An old man stares at me from a few seats away the whole ride. I'm sure i'm quite the sight. My hoodie is all bunched up and uneven around my torso and I didn't even look in the mirror or try to flatten my hair out. How was I supposed to get the girl back looking like a crazy person? I sigh, waiting impatiently for the bus to get to my stop. I feel like the driver knows I need to be somewhere and is purposely going extra slow and stopping at every stop even if no one needs to get off.

I pull the rope and wait by the back door, shoving it open as soon as it clicks and unlocks, immediately running towards Mum's.

I skid onto her block and see a cab stopped in front of her house with Sara standing by the open car door talking to Mum. Fuck.

I don't know if she can hear my feet pounding against the sidewalk or it's a weird twin thing and she can feel my presence but she turns to look at me almost instantly after I saw her. She's too far away for me to see her expression well but it doesn't look pleasant. She quickly hugs mom and ducks into the car.

I cry out, not having realized that tears had already started running down my face. I try to pick up my pace, but it's no use. I'm in shape and a decent runner, but i'm not that good. I'll never make it.

I'm at the house before Mum's when the taxi pulls away and I stop. I push my sunglasses up onto the top of my head, hoping to make eye contact with her. Sara stares straight ahead, with the best pokerface i've ever seen planted on her face. She's won again, and i'm stuck with nothing... again.

"Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!" I yell up to the sky at the top of my lungs, punching my arms into the air. A couple dogs start barking at my disturbance and any neighbors that are outside look up and stare but I don't care who hears or sees me. Everything inside of me hurts and I need the world to know. I only ask for one thing in this world, and I can't even have her?

Mum makes her way towards me, obviously not please with my outburst and grabs my wrist to drag me into her house. I jerk out of her grasp, fuming, as I stare her down. I know she's going to try to punish me somehow. It's how it always works when something goes on between Sara and I. Even when she doesn't know the story, she constantly takes Sara's side because she just holds it in and takes it, leaving me to seem like the one to blame by my ability to actually get emotional. That and because "i'm the older one and should know better". It's bullshit.

"I wanted you to fix things Tegan, not make them worse. Sara was a mess when she walked in this morning." She scolds in a harsh whisper. She looks around to see if anyone is still staring, probably hoping she won't be the big story of the neighborhood gossip this week.

"It wasn't my fault, Mum. I want to fix things, she doesn't! She's so impossible." I say through gritted teeth.

"She's not- You have- " She starts and pauses, trying to find a way to word what she wants to say without making things worse.

I cross my arms and wait, mentally wishing her good luck. I'm a ticking bomb that's about one second away from exploding, and she knows it.

"You know what? I give up. You girls need to figure this out on your own. Do what you want Tegan." She snaps and walks back into her house without looking back or waiting for me to respond.

I wish she would, because for once I want to thank her for the advice and tell her i'm going to listen to her. I'm going to do what I want.

I'm going to Montreal.


	7. Run Run Run

**A/N:** Thanks everyone for the reviews/favs/follows! I always appreciate any kind of feedback!

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**Sara's POV**

When I woke up this morning, seeing Tegan's sleeping face only inches from mine was the last thing I had expected. I could feel her deep, even breaths blowing tufts of my bangs about. Even in her sleep, her face was screwed up in a sad expression. I felt guilty that she never seemed to have a moment a peace, of just pure happiness. I was always in the back of her mind, troubling her and me being here in the flesh certainly wasn't helping her any. I have to leave.

I carefully sneak out from under the blanket we're sharing and realize i'm half naked. I don't remember taking my clothes off before I pitifully fell asleep in Tegan's lap. Looking around, I spot the neat, folded pile of my clothing and start to get dressed. I smile weakly, thinking things would be better, or at least easier, if Tegan hated me but even after all we've gone through she still manages to love me enough to make sure i'm taken care of. While tying my shoes I spot the CD I found last night and grab it. She has that whole box of memories and a copy of the video on her phone, she won't miss it.

It had been very stressful trying to find my way back to Mum's and by the time I made it there, I was in tears. She kept asking me what was wrong, and truthfully the main reason I was crying was because I didn't know my way around that part of Vancouver but I didn't want Mum questioning where exactly Tegan lived so I just told her we had a fight. She would probably yell at Tegan and upset her, but I felt like I was protecting her.

Now I find myself waiting in an aisle seat for my flight to depart. Flying makes me anxious, and I don't like to do it alone. I was planning for Emy to come on this little trip with me, I even offered to pay for her ticket, but she had too many deadlines for work coming up that she couldn't slack and take a vacation. So I came alone, spending most of the time with Mum and waiting until the day before I left to try to see Tegan incase something happened and I needed to run. Unfortunately that's just how things played out, and I only had to wait at the airport a few hours, replaying the last 24 hours in my mind.

When I got in the cab earlier, leaving Tegan standing helpless on the sidewalk I wanted to die. I didn't need to see her face to know that she was completely heartbroken. And what would have happened if I had stayed? She would have asked too many questions that I didn't want to answer, like the real reason I left her. I couldn't tell her what had happened and how she had failed to be there and protect me. How I felt damaged and no longer good enough to be with her. It was just easier to make up some half-assed lie and go, but time had caught up with me and I missed her so much. I just wanted to see her and have a lame superficial chat to hold me over until I couldn't take it anymore again.

The seat belt sign flashes and I buckle up, glad that we're finally about to take off and choosing to instead revel in the thought that in just mere hours i'll be back in my home with the girl I think I love. I turn my head to the side, glancing out the window across the aisle from me. I make eye contact with the teenage boy sitting in the middle seat and do a double take. He has chin length shaggy brown hair, a tattered Pink Floyd tee on, and a piercing under his bottom lip. He looks a lot like how Tegan did our senior year of high school. I smile, remembering our more care-free, experimental times together.

"_Are you sure the smell will be out by the time Mum and Bruce get back?" I nervously ask Tegan, cracking an egg on top of the brownie mix powder in the large mixing bowl. _

"_Yeah babe, we'll be fine. We just have to make sure to air out the kitchen." She nods, concentrating on grinding the small buds of marijuana into a fine powder. She dumps the last bit into her bowl and walks over to the stove, turning the burner on medium and dumping the pot into the skillet. She pours the oil in a few minutes later, stirring and mixing it around._

_I blend the powder and eggs together, then dunk my finger into the batter and shove it in my mouth, licking it off while I wait for her to finish up._

_She looks over at me, then down to the batter, and back at me raising her eyebrows. I smile and stick my finger all the way into the batter, before pulling it out and holding it out for her. She grabs my wrist and takes my whole finger in her mouth, swirling her tongue around it and sucking on it before pulling it back out._

"_Delicious." She smirks, giving me a wink. She turns off the burner and dumps the oil and weed into the bowl, setting the dish in the sink._

_I pick the mixer back up, dipping it into the bowl. Tegan steps behind me, resting her chin on my shoulder and reaches around, placing her hands on top of mine. We move the mixer around, blending everything together one last time. She sprays the pan with non-stick grease and I pour the batter in, spreading it around evenly and place it in the oven, setting the timer. She puts the rest of the dishes in the sink for us to do later and turns back to me, grabbing my waist and guiding me backwards until my back hits the fridge. She leans forwards and brushes her nose against mine sweetly._

"_I'm surprised you don't have more cavities, with how sweet you are." I tease her, my lips barely grazing hers as I speak. _

_She chuckles breathily and pulls away, rolling her eyes. She rests one hand on the fridge next to my face, the other staying put on my waist as her thumb makes small circles across my bare skin under my shirt._

_My forearms rest loosely on her shoulders and I idly twirl a chunk of her curly brown locks between my fingers. Mix her shaggy hair with the ratty band shirts she's taken to wearing recently and she looks like a complete stoner. But she kind of is, so it fits. Mum nags her all the time to get a haircut and to clean up her look, but she won't listen. I like the style she currently has going on, it makes her look tough, like she'll beat you up if you even look at her the wrong way, and like she doesn't give a shit about anything. But I know better. Tegan's so sweet, kind of shy, and would never hurt anyone, unless they hurt me. I tilt forward and give her a kiss. It's so nice living in the same house as your girlfriend, but it's even better when no one else is home and I kiss and touch her all I want in any room I want._

"_How much time is left?" I ask, already getting impatient. No one ever wanted to get high from brownies because it took so long to make, it was much easier just packing a bowl, laying back, and lighting up._

"_Uh.." She turns her head, checking the timer. "Thirty minutes."_

"_That's soo long." I complain. "Make the time go faster, Tee."_

_She flashes me a cheeky grin and guides us over to the kitchen table, lifting me up slightly so i'm now sitting on it. I wrap my legs around her waist, hooking my ankles together and pull her closer. Tegan always did have the best ideas._

_Tegan leans forward, breathing warm breath onto my lips, teasing me. I can smell the aroma of her coconut shampoo wafting off her hair and up through my nose. My head is spinning and she hasn't even touched me yet. I pucker my lips and close the small gap that is between us. A faint feral growl creeps up her throat, angry that I didn't let her start. She pushes roughly on my shoulders and I fall back onto the table, panting with desire. Reaching behind her back, she pulls my feet apart and my legs fall open, half dangling off the table. She climbs onto the table, and hovers over me. I tangle my hands in her hair, and she resists my attempts to bring her face closer to mine. We remain in our positions, testing each other to see who will give in first. Only a few seconds pass before we're both diving forward, attacking each other with open mouths. I can faintly taste the brownie batter on her tongue and I can't help but moan. I really love chocolate, especially when I can taste it on Tegan. She slowly shifts her body, so it's resting on top of mine and my hands roam down her back, slinking into her back pockets. She keeps one of her hands steady on my side and the other continuously runs through my hair, gently massaging my scalp. She reluctantly pulls away to breathe, and I instantly attach my lips to her neck, coated with a light layer of sweet sweat. I suck on her sweet spot, right behind and slightly under her earlobe. I make sure to leave a mark, one that will be hidden by her hair to every one, but we'll both know it's there and it'll be our little secret and reminder until the next time we can find privacy. She lets out a shuddery breath and I smile, nipping at her neck as I move lower towards her collar bone. My hands have moved back out of her pockets and slowly start to bunch her shirt up when the timer goes off._

_Tegan groans and drops her head, sitting back on my hips. I let my head fall back onto the table, catching my breath._

"_Well that certainly made the time fly by."_

_She chuckles and nods, agreeing with me. She climbs off the table and grabs an oven mitt, pulling the brownies out to cool._

"_They smell yummy." I say, still lying on the table and watching the ceiling fan spin round and round._

_Tegan steps back over to me, standing between my legs. She runs her hands up and down my thighs, her thumbs grazing especially close to where I always want her._

"_Someday we'll have our own place and we can do this whenever we want." She says softly, stopping her movements and squeezing my legs._

"_I wish that day was now." I mumble, sitting up and press my face into her chest. "I don't wanna wait for the brownies to cool. Can we eat them now?"_

_She backs away, leaving me feeling bare without her body next to mine, to grab a knife and cut the brownies into squares. She chews on one while she cuts the rest, putting one on a napkin and handing it to me. I eat it in two bites, chewing loudly with my mouth open. I toss my napkin away and head upstairs to Tegan's room. With the black light she had, her room was always better to be in when high._

_She joins me a few minutes later, laying on the floor next to me and we wait for the drugs to kick in. Her hand finds mine against the carpet and I turn to look at her. She's got brownie smeared all around her lips and I giggle._

"_What?" She asks, eyeing me up and down._

_I wipe some of it off with my thumb, pulling one corner of her lips into a frown and lick it off. _

_She giggles in return but never stops laughing, just keeps getting louder and louder until she's clutching her side in pain and tears are running down her face. She is so blazed._

"_Tegan..." I start to scold, sitting up and straddling her. Her body continues to shake underneath me. "How many did you eat?"_

"_Three." She laughs harder, tilting her head back. She runs her hands up and down my arms._

_I can't help but join in, and soon i'm lying on top of her, our giggles the only sounds in the whole house. Her laughter starts to die down and she flips us over, so she's now on top. It's only become recent that Tegan's taken to dominating me. I was the leader between the two of us, and she usually followed me around like a lovesick puppy but every once in a while she would take charge, and I completely loved it._

_I look up at her and she's staring back down at me, or at least I think she is. Her eyes are all squinty and her eyebrows are way too far up on her forehead._

"_Dude, Tegan. Can you even see me right now?" I can't figure out if she's got her eyes shut or if she is just that high._

"_Shut up!" She says defensively, but she's smiling. She playfully punches me in the shoulder._

_I retaliate and grab her hips, forcefully putting her on her back so i'm top again. Her nostrils flare and she tries to get me back but i've got her pinned down by the wrists. She sticks her tongue out at me and pushes her hips up into mine, causing my arms to falter for a second. She takes that opportunity and flips us back over and we tumble around on her floor, competing for dominance until she abruptly sits up and looks to her door. I look at her curiously and she pulls us both into a standing position._

"_Munchies." She grins goofily, pulling me out of her room and down the stairs to find some much needed snacks._

I snap out of my reverie, blinking moisture back into my eyes. I realize i've been staring at the boy for at least five minutes, completely missing the anxiety I usually go through when the plane takes off. He's smirking at me, no doubt thinking that I am checking him out. I smile feebly, whipping my head forward and staring at the back of the head rest in front of me, embarrassed.

I pull my ipod out of my pocket and untangle the mess the headphones are in. I figure some good music will help pass the next five dreadful hours I have ahead of me. I plug the headphones into my ears and turn it up, tapping my foot to the beat and closing my eyes, drifting in and out of sleep until I can feel the plane bouncing around from landing. I unbuckle and grab my stuffed backpack from the overhead carrier, waiting impatiently for the people ahead of me to file out so I can get off this cramped thing and find Emy.

The boy from earlier steps around who I assume is his mum and pulls his own bag down. He turns back around and faces me so there's only about five inches between us. I try to look away and ignore him, but he just reminds me so much of her I can't turn my head away.

"I saw you staring at me before." He smiles with only one side of his mouth and flips his bangs out of his face.

"Oh, sorry. I spaced out and just happened to be looking your way..." I murmur, blushing. He probably thinks i'm just acting shy or hard to get, not that he reminded me of my twin sister I am, uh, _was_, in love with.

"That's what they all say." He chuckles, flashing a cocky grin.

"I bet," I say, rolling my eyes at him. "You're probably like, what, 16?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm almost ten years older than you, and even if I wasn't, i'm not interested in whatever it is you call that thing in your pants." I say rudely, stepping into the aisle and walking off the plane.

I hear him mutter something from behind me, probably "bitch" or "dyke", but I just shrug it off, trying not to let it bother me. I hated to be the stereotypical "man hating lesbian" but it was true. I found that most of them were pigs, only thought with their dicks, and objectified women every chance they could. They were disgusting and I could count the number of men I trusted on one hand.

I spot Emy waiting by the gate for me and pick up my pace, thankful to see her face again. I walk up to her with open arms and pull her in close, burying my face into her chest. She smells like strawberries and I inhale deeply. It's not as comforting as Tegan's coconut but I can't complain.

Emy is the most ideal partner I could have found. She's cute, nice, funny, artistic, and has a job but deep down I know that will never be enough and i'll never be able to fully commit to her. When we met, I wasn't even looking for anything more than a friend but she was so good at making me forget my past that I needed her to stick around, and being with her seemed like my only option. I may love her, but I can never be in love with her like with Tegan. But Tegan's not here, and Emy is, so I have to stick with what i've got.

"How was your fight?" She mumbles into my hair, and kisses the top of my head.

"Long. I just want to go home and relax." I sigh, pulling away. I take her much larger hand in mine, and guide us towards the parking lot.

"Bubble bath?" She suggests, knocking into me and laughing.

It would be a wonderful idea if she meant for me to take it alone, but I know she missed me while I was gone and probably wants to have sex. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind sleeping with her, and she's good at what she does but she's the only person besides Tegan i've had sex with. It feels weird sometimes because we aren't the same size. She's skinny but she's taller and built bigger than I am. I feel like I can't really be dominate and I think she feels like she has to be careful with me since i'm so small. I'm not great at communicating my thoughts all the time because it wasn't something I had to do with Tegan, she just knew what I was feeling and acted accordingly to that.

My mood plummets quickly thinking about such things. I can't let myself become unhappy with Emy. Our one year anniversary is coming up soon and I know she's happy with me and will want to celebrate. She squeezes my hand, bringing me back to reality.

"Okay." I look over to her and smile, agreeing and laughing along with her.


	8. A Familiar Face

**A/N:** I apologize for the slow update and this being a relatively short chapter. I haven't been in the best state of mind the past week so the desire to actually sit down and write has flown out the window. But enjoy, leave a review, blah blah blah, thank you!

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**Tegan's POV**

Standing in front of Sara's small, but charming house in Montreal, the raindrops fall steadily onto my hooded head. It seemed like a big grey cloud followed me wherever I went these days.

My flight had been a disaster with rude people on either side of me and some much unwanted turbulence. The cab ride here was no picnic either since the driver spoke mostly all french but luckily I had Sara's address on the last Christmas card she had sent me and just had to point to it.

I was cold, tired, hungry, and stressed. The only thing I wanted right now was to have Sara answer the door, see the state I was in, and offer me a bed, couch, or even the floor at this point to sleep on. I ring the doorbell and put what I hope is more of a smile than a grimace on my face and wait for her to open the door. The faint sound of footsteps getting closer fills my ears and I don't realize i've been holding my breath until the door is opened. My face falls when the person on the other side isn't Sara but a taller, attractive woman. I glance down at the envelope in my hand and double check that i'm at the right address.

"Uhm, hi. Is Sara here? Sara Quin?" I ask awkwardly when I see that I am in fact at the right house, and this woman must be Sara's girlfriend. She hadn't mentioned they were living together, but then again not much talking had gone on between us.

"She's actually at work right now, i'm sorry." She says politely, but her eyes are cautious, no doubt trying to figure out who this strange, hooded figure was.

"Oh. Will she- will she be home soon?" I stutter, feeling the cold really start to get to me. Perhaps packing more than just a hoodie would have been a wise idea during the autumn months.

"Not for a couple more hours." She tells me sympathetically.

I nod, thinking of where I could possibly go to wait. I didn't know where Sara worked or really any details about what she actually did and I didn't think this girl would just tell me.

"Do you want to come in and wait?" She interrupts me from my thoughts. "You look a little cold."

"Yeah, thanks." I answer gratefully and step around her into a small entrance with a rug, bench, and coat hanger. I shrug my backpack off and set it on the bench, unzipping my hoodie and placing it on top of my backpack. I turn back to her and her eyes widen when she finally gets a good look at my face.

"Woah..." She mutters, eyeing me up and down. "I'm sorry, did you say what your name was?"

"Uhm, no, I didn't. It's Tegan."

"Oh, okay. I'm Emy." She says with a smile, offering her hand out to me.

I accept and shake her hand courteously.

"Would you like something to drink? There's water, coffee, Coke.." She questions, leading me towards the kitchen.

"Coke is fine. Thanks."

"You, uh, you look a lot like Sara." She says, sliding the can of pop across the island counter to me.

"Identical twins usually do." I chuckle, opening the can.

She gives me a weird, confused look and I stop laughing. Had Sara never mentioned me?

"Oh. Sara never said anything about having siblings. Are there more of you?"

"Nope, she got stuck with just me." I shrug, slurping loudly from my pop. I try not to let it bother me but how can I not? She's been with this girl long enough to let her live in her house and she can't even tell her that I exist?

"That's weird she never mentioned you. Are you like a fugitive or something and I shouldn't know about you?" She laughs awkwardly.

The air around us is thick. We're both visibly upset by what Sara's done and want an answer why.

"Hah, no.. I'm just Tegan. Sara and I had a bit of a falling out after college and haven't really spoke much since. We used to be best friends and inseparable though. I guess maybe it was too difficult for her to talk about." I say more to myself, hoping to make myself feel better.

"Yeah, maybe.. We'll just double team her when she gets home and force it out of her." She smiles hopefully.

"So do you live here with her?" I ask, ignoring the double entendre.

"Kind-of. We've been together almost a year so it's been kind of a gradual transition. I still have my own apartment but I spend most of my time here."

"Cool, cool." I say casually, wanting her to think i'm just making small talk and not trying to analyze their relationship and how it compared to when she was with me. "Are you like her housewife and wait for her to get home everyday?"

"Yeah, right." She scoffs playfully. "I'm not really the wife or family type. I'm a freelance graphic artist so I work from home a lot and it's typically quieter here so I prefer it. What do you do?"

"I produce music. Mostly small, up and coming indie bands. I like it." I finish off the rest of my pop and play with the tab on top, uncomfortable that i'm the ex-girlfriend trying to be friends with the current girlfriend.

"That's neat. Do you get to meet a lot of famous people?" She asks, leaning on the counter towards me.

I can tell she's much more interested in talking than I am. I feel like the caffeine has had a negative affect on me and the desire to just sleep on the comfy looking couch I saw when I walked in is increasing.

"Not too many. More than the average person I suppose though. It's not a big deal though." I laugh nervously, waving it off. When i'm assigned to press events, I meet a lot of people but I don't want to brag.

She smiles and tells me again how neat she thinks that is before we both fall silent, no doubt both thinking about why Sara never mentioned me. She could have easily said she had a sister without ever mentioning just exactly what she used to do with that sister.

"So what was Sara like in college? She never really talks about her past." Emy breaks the silence with a hint of sadness to her voice.

I sigh, trying to find the words to say without revealing too much.

"Pretty much the model student." I chuckle, remembering just how different her and I were when it came to our studies. "She was the top student in her major, participated in a lot of clubs, but still managed to go out and get drunk every weekend. She was a lot of fun, and just her typical self. Is she still like that?" I peek up at Emy, still playing with the tab from my can that's now fallen off. It's sharp metal edges catch onto my fingertips as I move it around.

"She's fun, yeah." Emy nods. "But she's pretty reserved so we stay in a lot. I'm still kind of in the party phase so I wouldn't mind if we went to a bar or club more often but i'm not complaining. I love her how she is."

I grimace, hating to hear someone else say they love Sara. _My_ Sara. I let out a conveniently timed yawn that has no way of going unnoticed by Emy.

"Oh, i'm sorry. I'm probably boring you with all of my questions."

"No, no, it's fine. I just had a really long day of travel is all."

"Right, the backpack." She mentions, having noticed how packed it was and the ID tag hanging off of it. "Where do you live?"

"Vancouver. And I don't speak any French, that's Sara's thing, so it was a stressful day flying and trying to navigate my way around."

"Oh wow, you're far from home. I'm originally from New York so I completely understand the whole foreign language thing, and Sara refuses to teach me any. But you'll get used to it pretty quick if you plan on staying for awhile."

"Yeah, i'm not quite sure how long i'll be in town." I mutter and let out another, but this time unexpected, yawn. "Do you mind if I just crash on the couch until Sara gets here?"

"Go right ahead. I don't think Sara will mind. I'll go grab you an extra blanket from upstairs." She starts to head towards the staircase but I shake my head and stop her. I'm not really in the mood to be surrounded by something that smells like Sara or has been in the vicinity of where they do the horizontal tango.

"I'll be fine, thanks though." I smile and walk myself to the living room and curl up as small as I can make myself on the brown, leather couch. It still smells relatively new and it molds to my body like i'm on a cloud. I face the back and bury my head into the corner, blocking out as much light as I can. It's not long before I fall into a heavy, much needed sleep and only slightly longer that i'm being woken up in a less than kind way by who I can only assume to be my sister.


	9. It's Not So Simple

**A/N: **I got my groove back and actually wrote a lot this time! I'm not entirely sure where to go with all this so far so if you any feedback/suggestions/whatever, i'd love to hear it! Also, I wrote a oneshot a couple days about the new song they just performed and it's called 'Closer' so if you have any desire to read that, then you should! :)

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**Sara's POV**

I step into the house after a long, stressful day at work and toss my bag onto the bench next an unfamiliar backpack. I kick my shoes off next to an equally out of place pair of Converse shoes. Both Emy and I owned pairs of them but they were much too small to be hers and mine weren't that worn. I push it to the back of my mind, figuring she must have a friend over, and head to the kitchen for a mug of some much needed steamy coffee.

Emy greets me with an already prepared cup and I lean in to thank her with a kiss.

"Hey baby. How was your day?" I gently blow on the hot liquid, ripples forming across the top as I cool it down.

"Interesting to say the least." She gives me look like I did something wrong and takes the mug from my grip, setting it on the counter. "I want to show you something."

I hesitantly follow her into the living room, noticing the sleeping figure on the couch. Their back is towards me but I would know that back and sleeping position anywhere. Tegan always curled into herself when she slept alone. I was pretty sure she was trying to cuddle with herself since no one else was there to do it with her.

"Merde.." I mutter under my breath and look over to Emy. So many emotions are plastered across her face. Mostly confusion, hurt, and angry.

"Merde is right, Sara. I mean, what the hell? You have a twin sister?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not a big deal, Emy."

"You're right. Having a sister isn't a big deal so why would you lie about it?"

"She hasn't been a part of my life in three years, what's the point in talking about someone not present in my life?"

"You're completely missing the point, Sara!" She fumes.

I'm afraid Tegan will wake up and get some sort of satisfaction out of witnessing what appears will be our first huge fight.

"The point is that you completely lied about your family and that I had to deal with a cold, wet stranger at your door who has your face! You shouldn't put someone you care about and claim to love in that kind of position." She continues.

"You're right. I'm sorry." I agree with complete sincerity. I shouldn't have put her in that position but the reason I wanted Emy in my life in the first place was because she made me forget Tegan.

"Thank you." She says quietly, her features starting to soften but the tension is still in the air.

"When did she get here?" I ask, unable to tear my eyes away from Tegan sleeping form. I knew I was taking a chance with the short note I left in place of that CD but it never crossed my mind that she would fly out here.

"A couple hours ago but she's only been asleep for about thirty minutes."

"Did you talk a lot?"

"Not much. She was a little distressed and it seemed pretty clear she really only wanted to talk to you but she seems like an alright person."

"She's amazing." I nod. "I'm the one with all the problems."

"What happened between you two?" She asks, obviously intrigued, but it's a story she'll never hear.

"Things you wouldn't understand." I glance at her quickly, giving her an apologetic look that I don't mean for my words to come out bitchy and it really is because she couldn't understand.

"You should her wake up."

I listen to Emy and sit down on the coffee table in front of Tegan, shaking her shoulder not as gently as I probably should. She groans falls onto her back, blinking a few times, confusion set in her eyes as she tries to remember where she is. She focuses in on me and shoots up into a sitting position.

"Hey, Sar." She tries to flatten her hair out and avoids my gaze as I eye her up and down. We've probably never looked more identical with our sad eyes accompanied by bags under them from lack of sleep due to the hectic past few days.

"Why are you here, Tegan?" I get straight to the point. I didn't feel like she had the right to just show up at my door and demand entrance into my life even though I had basically just done the same to her.

"You know why i'm here."

"I do?" I play innocent and she cocks her head to the side, not amused.

"Really Sara? You really want to get into this with your girlfriend standing right there?" She motions over to Emy, who's flicking her eyes between the two of us.

"Could you give us some privacy?" I turn to Emy and ask her. She focuses her gaze on me and we have a silent conversation of me letting her know i'll be okay and that i'll meet her upstairs later.

"I know you still love me." Tegan says quietly once we hear the door close upstairs.

"That's not news, Tegan. I'll love you until the day I die."

She huffs, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her palms. She better get used to feeling exhausted because i'm not going to make things easy.

"I know you're still _in _love with me. Is that better?"

"And what makes you think that?" I cross my arms in defense.

"For one, the note you left. That's not just a random, casual pet name you call me. Then there's the CD you stole from me, which is my only copy so please be careful with it, and how you broke down after watching it. And then my favorite reason of all.." She reaches towards my neck and pulls on the necklace chain hiding under my blouse. She pulls it out all the way and holds the ring up with two fingers between our faces. I look at her eyes and they're filled with incredible sadness and longing.

She knows she's presented me a good case, and waits for me to react. I roll my eyes and stand up, tucking the necklace back in. I turn to head to the kitchen for fresh coffee, or maybe a few shots of scotch.

"Sara!" She yells loud enough for Emy to hear, and grabs my elbow to jerk me back. She didn't intend to pull so hard but I fall backwards and land into her lap. Our faces only an inch apart, I can feel her breath ghosting across my lips and her scent crawl up my nose, intoxicating me more than the scotch would have. I can feel my skin get warmer and flush a deep red.

"And there's reason number four." She chuckles with a bit of arrogance. She wraps her arms around my waist, keeping me in place on her lap. "You need to be honest with me about why you left."

"I never lied to you." It was true, none of the things I told her that day were lies, but there was something huge I had left out. I know she knew then that something was up, something had happened, but she was too heartbroken to confront me about it. Over the years she's now developed the courage and tenacity to try to get it out of me but I won't give in. Or so I hope.

"Maybe not, but you didn't tell me everything. You're blaming me for something I did or something that happened to you and I don't even know what it is! I deserve to know why we aren't together when clearly we still want to be and _should _be. You owe me that much, Sara."

I bite my lip, thinking back on how I could have possibly ever fit the thing I left out into our conversation the night I broke up with her.

_The feeling of her lips trailing kisses down my spine still caused shivers but I knew that deep inside me something had changed. I had changed and I didn't want her lips or fingers on my skin._

_"Do you always have to be touching me?" I snap, returning to full height and slipping the shirt on I had just pulled out of my dresser._

_I feel her fingers flinch against the bare skin of my hips but she quickly recovers._

_"I love you and you feel good, so yes." She mumbles into the short, wavy hair on the back of my neck. She starts to lift the shirt I had just put on back off but I nudge my elbow backwards into her stomach and knock her away. _

_"I love you too but sometimes I just wish you would leave me alone!" I snap at her again and this time she doesn't shrug it off._

_"Whatever, Sara." She stomps out of my room and into hers, slamming the door shut hard enough that the frames hanging on my wall rattle._

_I sigh, pulling my tight skinny jeans up my thin legs and running my hand through my damp hair. I walk into the hall and stop at her door, listening to her faint cries through the wood. I turn the knob and walk in without knocking, figuring I might as well get it all over with since she's already upset._

_She's lying in the middle of her bed, hugging her knees, and staring out her window. Her eyes are already impossibly red and puffy from crying. She sniffles and wipes her nose, trying to slow down the steady stream and make it seem like she's not being so emotional._

_I crawl onto her bed, sitting indian style next to her, and lift her head into my lap, stroking her hair. She rolls onto her back and looks up at me, her eyes begging to know why these things are happening._

"_You do know that I love you, right?" I stare back into her eyes, trying to communicate that this isn't how I wanted things to go._

"_Yo- You've had a f-funny way of showing it lately." She cries quietly, referring to my odd behavior between the sheets for about the past two weeks. We still had sex almost daily but I stopped letting her touch me. She never said anything, but clearly she had noticed._

"_I know, and i'm sorry. I've just been thinking a lot lately about where I want to go in life and what I need to do to accomplish those things."_

"_Like what?"_

"_Like where would be best for me to find a job."_

"_You want to move?" She stops fidgeting with the bottom of her shirt she's been nervously playing with and looks back up at me._

"_To Montreal." I nod._

_She closes her mouth and i'm positive I can hear the gears in her head turning as she processes the information. She knows it's the ideal place for me to be but it's also on the opposite side of the country._

"_Oh. Well i'm sure I can find a job out there too." She says, her eyes lighting up, thinking that she's just found the solution to the problem._

"_No, Tee. You have your internship starting soon. It's a great opportunity and if you miss it, you'll regret it for the rest of your life and end up resenting me. I don't want us to ever hate each other, no matter what happens."_

"_We can do long distance until I finish the internship and then i'll move out there." She suggests._

"_Tegan.. you aren't getting it. I'm going alone. All we know is each other and I need to see who I am without you. Don't you want to know who you are?" I wipe the few tears now running down my own cheeks off and move to wipe more off of Tegan's._

"_I'm nothing without you Sara." She sits up and buries her face in her hands, mumbling into them. "If you loved me, you wouldn't be doing this."_

"_Hey! Don't ever say I don't love you!" I grab hold of her shirt and tug until she gives in, turning and facing me. I cup her face in my hands, continuously wiping more tears from her cheeks with my thumbs. "It's because I love you that i'm doing this. I'm giving us a chance to have something healthy and be normal. Don't you want to be able to go out with a girl and hold her hand or kiss her in public? Get married? Have kids? Any of that?"_

_Hanging her head, she closes her eyes and shakes her head, her bottom lip jutting out as she begins to cry harder. _

_I expected her to get angry, yell, and fight for us, but it seems like i've knocked any fight she had in her out._

"_I don't care about those things, I just want you."_

"_Please don't cry, TeeTee. We can still be together until I leave." I blurt out in a desperate attempt to make her feel better while in the process of breaking her heart._

_She lifts her eyes and stares at me. I try to read her expression, but I can't. She's probably debating whether or not to slap me for suggesting that i'd still like to be able to touch her until i'm gone but I don't think she will. She thrives off the physical aspect of our relationship, even if it's just cuddling or holding hands while we watch a movie, and she'll want to soak as much in as she possibly can._

_I grab her arms, right above her elbows, and pull her into me. We fall back onto the sheets and she lays with her head buried into my neck, silently crying. I rub soothing circles on the small of her back and my mouth runs an endless loop of apologies._

_After minutes of lying there, I can feel her start to kiss my neck with her tear stained lips. I don't stop her, letting her have this piece of me that i've denied her the past few weeks but when her hand moves slowly down my side and across my stomach, her fingertips starting to descend into my jeans, I do stop her._

"_Sara, please. I need you." She begs, trying again to get into my pants. "I need you to feel me."_

"_I know you do." I flip us over so she's underneath me. I slip her sweatpants and underwear down her legs, tossing them to the edge of the bed. She doesn't resist when I lower my head between her legs, licking in every spot I know she loves. She only lies there, whimpering from the pleasure and also heartache, with her hands covering her eyes. When her back finally arches and she calms down, I wipe my face off on her shirt and crawl back up her body. I have to remove her hands from her face for her, but she keeps her eyes closed, unwilling to look at me._

"_Please look at me." I ask her gently, stroking her cheek with my thumb._

_She opens her eyes slightly to look at me, then quickly flicks her gaze over towards the window. Shame is written all over her face from letting me go down on her literally minutes after I told her I was leaving her. _

"_One day you'll forgive me, ya know. Maybe one day i'll even forgive myself but right now I have to deal with some things alone, and this just isn't what I need right now." A tear falls from my eye and splashes onto her cheek. She returns her focus back to me and wipes the other tears on my own cheeks away, surprised that i'm so openly crying._

"_Will you come back for me?" She manages to choke out._

"_I don't know." I answer truthfully, kissing her hesitantly on the lips before climbing off the bed and walking out her door._

"I just can't tell you, Tegan. You should go back to Vancouver and just forget that any of this ever happened. I have Emy to think about now and I can't just drop my life with her to be with you, if that's what I even wanted." I tear her hands away from me and stand up, crossing my arms.

"Well i'm not going to leave." She states, standing up as well.

"You aren't staying at my house."

"I mean i'm not leaving Montreal. At least not until I get what I came for."

"I swear to God, Tegan, if you fuck up my life out here..." I tell her sternly, pointing a bony finger right in front of her face.

"You already fucked it up. Look at you! I only met Emy three hours ago but I can already tell you right now that this, all of this," She spreads her arms out, motioning to the whole materialistic life i've built around me, "isn't what you want. You need to admit to yourself that the only thing you want, and need, is me. Just forget whatever happened in the past and be with me. It's so simple, Sara! Just be with me!" She whispers harshly, but it still sounds loud enough for Emy to hear.

"It's _not _so simple! I can't trust you to be there for me when I need you!" I cringe at my words, regretting them the second they come out.

"What are you talking about!? I was _always _there for you." She flat out yells, and we hear Emy coming down the stairs seconds later.

"Is everything okay?" She asks, leaning against the wall at the bottom of the staircase. She looks back and forth between us with concern, and noting both of our tense positions and how close we are standing to each other.

"Yeah, Tegan was just about to leave." I uncross my arms and lean back on my heels, trying to make it look like everything is okay.

Tegan opens her mouth to protest but I shoot her a look, warning her.

"I'll see you soon." She settles on through gritted teeth, then turns to Emy. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too! Maybe we'll get to see each other again soon." She smiles.

"Yeah, maybe." Tegan walks over to where her shoes and backpack sit, slipping them on. She watches me the entire time, checking to see if i'm going to stop her. But I don't and she slams the door on her way out.

I glance at Emy then walk into the kitchen, finally pouring the glass of scotch I so desperately need.

"Are you okay?" She asks, following behind me and standing across from me.

"Yeah, she just really knows how to push my buttons." I mutter, taking a big swig from my glass. It's a horrid taste, but I love the burning sensations as it runs down my throat.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She tilts her head and runs her hand soothingly down my arm.

"Not really."

"It might make you feel better." She insists.

"The only thing that'll make me feel better right now is drinking this and then passing out." I raise my glass then finish it off, realizing my mistake as her expression turns from concern to hurt. "Sorry."

"It's fine." She says to the ground.

I sigh, wondering if i'll ever be able to do anything right with anyone. I set the empty glass in the sink and take her hand, leading her up to bed.


	10. I've Got You

**A/N: **Let's play a game and see how long I can prolong the torture of not telling you what happened with Sara. ;) Ready, set, go!

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

It's been two days since i've seen or spoken to Sara. I found a room at a decent hotel and booked it indefinitely since I had no idea how long i'd be staying. Luckily I can do most of my job from here, on my laptop, and i'm a big enough name at the record company I work at that I can afford to not be there for the other aspects of my job for a while.

Aside from work, i've spent the rest of my time figuring out how to go about getting Sara back and what on earth she meant when she said she couldn't trust me to be there for her. I realized that I just have to be the girl who she fell in love with and remind her that she still loves me and does want to be with me. As for the trust issue, that took a little bit longer to figure out.

When I was lying in bed last night, watching the video on my phone and studying Sara's face it occurred to me that whatever it was that happened, happened after that night. She was just too happy and okay for her to have any negative feelings about us so it had to have happened within the two months between then and when she broke up with me. I laid there for hours when I remembered one night when she was a guest speaker for a lecture and wanted me to go. It was the same night that one of my favorite bands was performing a concert. I had already told Lindsey, my old roommate from the dorms, that I would go with her. Sara argued with me over it multiple times, saying that it was important to her for me to come even though most of it was going to be spoken in french so I wouldn't be able to understand it. I really didn't want to go, but promised her anyway that i'd be there after the concert. I ended up getting too drunk at the concert and not going. I fell asleep in Sara's bed waiting for her to come home and didn't see her until morning where she was making coffee in the kitchen. Of course she was upset, I had broken a promise to her. But looking back on it now, and I don't know I haven't realized it sooner, it was after that night she started to completely check out and it seemed like something more important than breaking a promise so little had gone down. I just needed to find out what that was and correct my mistake.

I'm now sitting in her office, which I had to google her name to find where she worked, with a muffin and pumpkin spice latte for her, and sifting through her desk drawers. There was nothing of excitement on top of her desk, just a computer, pen cup, stack of files and a name plate that read 'Mlle. Quin'. There was nothing personal, no picture frames or anything, not even on the wall but I knew there had to be something somewhere. The top drawers were as equally boring, just more files and blank paper. What did she even do here?

I open the bottom drawer and feel like the room has brightened and a choir of tiny angels have begun singing joyously around me. Right on top sits an all too familiar CD case that I haven't seen, or even thought about, in years. I pick it up, noting that there's no dust surrounding it so either it gets played frequently or at least recently. I pop the cover open and see the shiny, silver mixed CD I made for Sara with the less than creative, and romantic, title 'Songs for Sara' with the names of the seven songs underneath and i'm immediately thrusted back in time to our senior year of high school.

_I run as fast as I can home from school, almost an hour late to Sara and I's scheduled date to celebrate our one year anniversary. Mum was working late tonight, which was perfect and gave Sara and I plenty of time to celebrate by ourselves._

_I can feel her present bouncing around in my near empty backpack. It's the reason I was late, I had to finish it and make sure it was perfect before I could give it to Sara. She was going to love it. A CD of all the songs I had written for and about her, but never let her listen to, performed and sung by me with our acoustic guitar we got as a present two years ago._

_I told her I was joining the sound crew for the school play so she wouldn't question why I stayed late at school almost everyday for the past month, but really I was working alone in the tiny recording booth we had singing, strumming, recording, and mixing._

_I fly through the back door and into the kitchen, skidding to a halt and trying to catch my breath. Sara sits alone at the dining table with her back hunched and head down, not even bothering to look at me. She pushes the remnants of the food on her plate around and another, untouched plate sits opposite her._

_I shrug my backpack off and walk over to the table, dragging my chair across the hard wood floor and sit down right next to her._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Whatever." She mumbles, still refusing to look at me._

_I don't blame her, and I feel terrible. She took the time to make us food, and I couldn't even be bothered to show up on time, or even call to let her know I would be late. I slide my plate over to me and a cut off a small chunk of the thin, cream colored pancake looking things rolled up and stuffed with strawberries._

"_What are these? They look good." I offer, popping the piece into my mouth and chew it. It's sweet, and kind of sour, but tastes delicious. "They _are_ good."_

"_They're crepes. They're French." She says, standing up and taking her plate to the sink, rinsing it off._

"_Please don't be mad, Sasa." I say in a pouty tone, and hoping using her nickname will soften her up._

"_Why shouldn't I be mad, Tegan?" She says, still facing the sink. She turns around and crosses her arms before continuing. "We had a plan that we would eat at 5, together, then give each other presents, then have time to be alone before Mum got home! But you couldn't be bothered to show up! I really thought I was more important to you than helping with some stupid school play, but clearly not so whatever, just forget about it."_

"_You are more important!" I stand up and walk over to her, grabbing her arms and unfolding them from their crossed position. I take her hands in my own and let them dangle at our sides. She doesn't pull away, but she still won't look at me. "You're the most important thing in the world to me. Look, I wasn't even helping with the play tonight. I haven't been helping with it all, i've been doing other things."_

"_You lied to me?" She drops my hands and folds her back across her chest._

"_I had to."_

_She rolls her eyes and I sigh, moving to pick my backpack up and unzip it. I pull out the the CD wrapped in newspaper and hand it to her._

"_I've been working on this the whole time."_

"_What is it?" She asks, taking it and flipping it around in her grip._

"_Your present."_

"_You've been spending that whole time working on something for me?" She asks in disbelief, her features softening._

"_Yup," I smile and she finally looks at me, returning my expression with a slightly smaller smile. "Go behind the shed and open it. I'll meet you out there in a couple minutes, okay?"_

"_Okay," she nods and walks out the back door._

_I quickly run upstairs and grab my small stereo, stopping in the bathroom on my way back to brush my teeth and make sure I look okay. She _definitely _won't be able to keep her hands off of me once she listens to even one song._

_I meet her behind the shed and she's grinning from ear to ear with one finger through the hole of the disc, all ready to go. I sit down on the grass, my back leaning against the shed, and set the stereo down next to me. I pat my thighs and motion for her to straddle me. She puts a foot on either side of me and lowers herself, making herself comfortable before opening the CD player and setting the disc in. She moves to press play but I grab her wrist, stopping her._

"_What's wrong?" She asks, eyeing me up and down. There's no way she can't hear my erratic heartbeat thumping in my chest. It's certainly the only thing _I _can hear._

"_Nothing.. just nervous. If you hate any of it, please spare my feelings and pretend you love it, like it's the most wonderful thing you've ever heard. Okay?" I breathe out, running my hands up and down her thighs._

_She smiles and nods, closing her eyes as I press play, letting herself get lost in the sound of my voice in a way she's never heard it before._

_The light sound of my fingers picking at the guitar strings starts and I don't let myself lose focus on her face, not wanting to miss a moment of her reaction once I start to sing and she hears the words._

I don't need company, in the company of you

And I don't need love 'cause your love will do

And i've got you, and you've got me

And that's all we need

_The first chorus finishes and she grins, her eyes never opening as her hands find mine on her legs, helping to steady their shaking._

I don't need air, I don't need to breathe

And I don't need rest, I don't have time to sleep

'Cause i've got you, and you've got me

And that's all we need

When I get up, so do you

When you get up, I sleep right through

And on the road, I sleep alone

And I can't wait until i'm home

'Cause i've got you, and you've got me

Yeah, i've got you, and you've got me

And that's all we need

_The guitar strumming trails off and I hit pause, needing to hear feedback before she can listen to the rest. She opens her eyes, which look moist from (hopefully) happy tears, and strokes my cheek. I lean into her touch and she scoots closer to me so our stomachs are touching._

"_That's the sweetest, and most romantic thing anyone could ever do for me. I love you." She moves forward and kisses me hard, our noses mashing together, before pulling away a few seconds later. "I'm sorry I got mad."_

"_Don't be. I'm the one who should be sorry, and I am. I should have called or just been honest with you right away."_

_She kisses me again then rests her head on my shoulder. We sit like that, with my hand stroking her hair, while we listen to the rest of the songs I wrote for her._

"_You should be a musician." She says against my neck after the last song finishes._

"_What?" I ask with a bit of shock. The idea honestly had never crossed my mind._

"_You have the talent, Tee. You could do it."_

"_You're sweet, but I don't think so."_

"_Why not?" She sits up and looks at me, confused._

"_I like it behind the scenes more. Besides those songs are only meant for you, you're the only audience I want or need." I shrug._

"_Have I told you lately that I love you?" She smiles shyly._

"_Yeah, but i'll never grow tired of hearing you saying it."_

"_In that case.. I love you, I love you, I love you." She rambles out, giggling._

"_I love you, too. Happy Anniversary." I peck her on the nose sweetly._

"_Can we listen to it again?" She asks._

"_One more time, then I want my present and that special alone time with you." I grab her sides playfully, tickling them._

The door to Sara's office swings open and I drop the disc onto the floor, startling myself out of my thoughts. She whips her head around to find out what the cause of the noise was, directing her focus away from whoever it is she's speaking to just outside of her door. Her brow creases when her eyes land on me.

She quickly finishes her other conversation and shuts the door quietly. I quickly shut the drawer with my foot, but the disc still lies in my lap.

"Mon Dieu, Tegan." She mutters, still in the mindset of speaking French after just speaking to one of her colleagues.

"Good morning!" I say cheerfully, picking up the disc and shutting it back into its case. "Pumpkin spice?" I hold out the to-go cup as she makes her way over to the desk.

"What are you doing here?" She asks, sitting on the edge of the desk. She accepts the latte with a weak smile and takes a tentative sip. I note that she's still wearing that necklace, tucking under her many layers and I can only let my smile grow.

"I told you I wasn't leaving until I got what I came for. And since you aren't mine, i'm still here."

"You're going to have to buy me a lot more coffee to buy back my love." She takes the muffin out of the bag and tears a chunk off the top, popping it into her mouth. "But thanks, I applaud your effort."

"Remember when we lived in that apartment and I would get up with you every morning, even when I didn't technically have to be up for another hour or two, and would make you coffee and breakfast? Well, here you go," I gesture to the food in her hands. "I didn't think you wanted crappy hotel coffee, so I got you something good. I don't plan on buying your love because I know I won't have to stoop that low to get it back."

She shakes her head and lets out a low, exhausted chuckle.

"Why weren't you like this three years ago? This might have been easier then." She tells me.

"I don't think I was exactly in the best place to be chasing after the girl who just broke my heart." I say quietly, and an awkward tension fills the room. "I figured out why you left though. Well, kind of."

"Yeah?" She looks at me curiously, getting up and throwing the muffin wrapper and bag away. She walks over to me and ushers me out of her chair.

"Yeah." I sit down where she just was. She directs her focus on turning her computer on, seemingly ignoring me. "It was the night you gave that lecture you wanted me to go to but I went to a concert with Lindsey instead."

"What about that night?" She flicks her eyes to me for just a second before typing something into her computer.

"Something happened."

"Yeah, you broke your promise and didn't show up."

"I know, and i'm sorry but you wouldn't have broken up with me over something as trivial as that."

"You chose alcohol and someone else over me that night. That isn't trivial. It doesn't matter if you didn't want to come and thought it was boring or stupid. It was important to me, and you broke a promise and you weren't there for the one you claimed to love. But you made that choice and_ I_ had to suffer the consequences." She barks at me.

"What consequences?!" I snap back at her. I knew I was digging myself deeper into a hole but it was so frustrating that she just wouldn't talk to me and be open about everything.

"You should go. I have work to do." She deflects my question, putting all of her walls back up.

"Sara, c'mon..."

"No, Tegan. I'm not doing this here." She stands up and grabs my wrist, pulling me to the door. She puts her hand on the doorknob to open it but I place my own on top of hers to stop her.

"Then where? You can't run from me forever. _You _were the one that wanted to see _me_, remember?"

"I don't know where, or when. Just stop pressuring me, okay? It's not going to do you any good. And if I would have known this was what was going to become of seeing you last weekend, I don't know that I would have." She sighs, and I try not to flinch at her comment.

She opens the door and takes a step forward, causing me to take a step backwards, out of her office.

"Oh, here. You might want this," I shove the CD case against her stomach and her hand runs over mine as she moves to hold it. I let her hand linger over mine before I slide my own out, letting it run down her stomach a few inches before fully pulling away. "Pretty soon it's the only thing you'll have left of me." I bluff.

Her expression doesn't falter, but all the color in her face drains out when she looks down at what the disc is and realizes I went through her things. I know i'm making her see that all of these things she has or does has become such a routine to her that she's forgotten just how much I still exist in her day to day life.

But that's the whole reason i'm staying, and why I won't give up hope.


	11. Sisters

**Sara's POV**

Over the next few days, Tegan and I have resorted to only speaking through texts or short phone calls. She knew it would be unprofessional for me to have her show up at my office every day so she respected that and I knew she wouldn't want to go to my house on the off chance that Emy was there. I don't know what it is like to be in the same room as your ex and her current girlfriend, but I imagine it would be uncomfortable.

For the most part she was just being Tegan, which was nice. We talked mostly of superficial things but I enjoyed it. Last night she asked if I wanted to come to her hotel for lunch today to just hang out. I was reluctant to say yes at first but she assured me that it was just going to be two estranged sisters getting to know each other again, just like how I wanted.

Standing outside her hotel room now with a bag of oriental take-out boxes, i'm hoping I won't regret this decision. I knock quickly and hold my breath until she opens the door.

She pulls the door open a few seconds later and I finally exhale.

"Hey!" She says happily, dressed in a baggy t-shirt and jeans. "Come on in."

"Hi. Thanks." I smile, stepping into the room while she holds the door for me. I look for a place to set the food but the desk and small table are all covered with files and paper for work. I settle for placing it on the bed and sit down next to it, pulling out the styrofoam containers. "I got you teriyaki chicken and chow mein, I hope that's okay."

"That's great. How much do I owe you?" She grabs her wallet and opens it, looking at me expectantly.

"Oh, no, it's fine. It's on me." I wave her off, telling her to put her wallet down.

"Are you sure?"

"Yup. Now come sit." I pat the bed and she crawls onto it, sitting indian style across from me.

We sit in silence and dive into our food, trying to think of something to say that doesn't revolve around us romantically. It's more difficult than I thought it would be. I don't even remember what it's like to just be Tegan's sister, but finally I speak up.

"So.. are you still writing and playing? I didn't see your guitar when I was ...cleaning."

"I still write, but haven't touched the guitar lately. I left it at Mum's when I moved into that studio apartment. I recorded a lot after you, uhm, left if you want to hear some of it. I have them on my computer."

"Sure. I'd like that."

She grabs her laptop off the table and opens it. The screen lights up and we're greeted with that picture of us on the kitchen counter in our old apartment. She coughs and mumbles an apology while blushing. I pretend I don't see it. She quickly opens up her iTunes and clicks on a playlist called "Songs for Sara". There's got to be at least twenty five songs on the list, so at least eighteen i've never heard before.

"Do you want to pick one?" She asks, turning the screen towards me so I have a better view. I scan through the list, reading each title, and settle on the one with the most obscure title; Soil, Soil.

She glances over at me nervously after reading the one i'm pointing too. "Oh, uh, I don't know about that one."

"Why not?"

"It's kind of a depressing one.. probably the most depressing one in the list."

"That's okay. I can handle it." I give her a reassuring smile, but I think she was more worried about not being able to handle it herself.

She shrugs and turns the volume up, clicking the play button. I instinctively close my eyes, and focus on the words and sound as best I can.

_Oh and I'm feeling directionless, yes _

_But that's to be expected and I know that best _

_And in creeps the morning and another day's lost _

_You've just written wondering and I reply fast _

_All you need to save me _

_All you need to save me _

_Call, and I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all _

_And I won't take any other call _

_I feel like a fool, so I'm going to stop troubling you _

_Buried in my yard a letter to send to you _

_And if I forget or god forbid die too soon _

_Hope that you'll hear me, know that I wrote to you _

_All you need to say to me _

_All you need to say to me _

_Is call, and I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all _

_And I won't take any other call_

She hits pause and I take a deep breath. It's definitely different from the other ones she's written for me. I didn't hear any guitar, only piano. I feel awful for making her feel this way and inspiring this out of her. But, it was still amazing and I wish she felt or had the desire to pursue this as a serious thing.

"Well?" She asks, shoving a piece of chicken into her mouth and staring ahead at the laptop screen.

"I didn't know you could play piano." I let the first thing that comes to mind fall from between my lips.

"Oh.. yeah. I mean, not well but I can manage to put together a few things."

"Cool. I liked it. Not in like a 'i'm glad you felt this and were able to write this' way but it just had a lot of feeling to it, like getting the wind knocked out of you. You know?"

"Yeah, I know. Thanks." She smiles shyly.

"I still think you could be a musician, even if it's just playing at open mic nights in small coffee shops."

"And I still only write for you." She blushes and shakes the feelings from her head before shutting the laptop and turning back to face me. "So, uhm, what do sisters talk about?"

"Hah, I don't know. What did we used to talk about before?" I twirl some noodles around my plastic fork.

"I don't know. We just talked, we didn't have to think about it." She says awkwardly. "Tell me about Emy?"

"Is that really a good idea?" I question.

"Well.." She starts, then begins to chuckle. "I don't have a clue, Sara. I don't know how to be your sister but being that is better than nothing at all and it's not right for me to not like Emy just because i'm jealous. If you're choosing to be with her for right now I should be happy for you and try to be friends with her, right?"

"I guess so." I nod slightly. I know Tegan's true intentions are to get me back, but it's nice she's at least trying to not push it. "What do you want to know?"

"Hmm.. how did you meet?"

"I was sitting in a coffee shop one day and I saw her walk in. She just had such a kind face, like she'd be the kind of person to make you feel better without having to say anything to them. I started talking to her, just hoping she would be my friend and get my mind off of things. A few months after that she kissed me and asked me out. I said yes. I didn't know if that was exactly what I wanted at the time, but it felt nice to be physically close to someone again so I just went with it. That was almost a year ago."

"Are you happy?"

"I think so. It's a little difficult being with someone you don't know like the back of your hand but it's good, I think."

"And the sex?"

"Tegan.." I warn her, shooting her a glare.

"What?! It's from one sister to another. A friend to a friend." She holds her hands up in innocence.

"It's ..alright." I mumble.

"Just alright? Ouch." She bursts out laughing and I can't help but chuckle.

"Well you know how I am. Don't get me wrong, she's good at what she does but she thinks i'm a complete bottom and won't let me do anything." I groan. I'm surprised at how open i'm being about this, but it doesn't feel weird or like she's just trying to figure everything out about my relationship to somehow use it against me later.

"Oh, you poor thing." She continues laughing obnoxiously. "You just have to grab the bull by the horns and ride it. Literally!"

"Oh god." I bury my face in my hands and laugh harder.

"Hey it's better than no sex at least. The next person that goes down on me will probably have to dust cobwebs away."

"Oh please." I roll my eyes, still laughing.

"You wanna see for yourself?" She asks, then clamps a hand over her mouth to try to take back her words. "Sorry, it just slipped out."

"It's fine, don't worry about it." I assure her.

She gets up and throws our garbage away, asking if I want to watch a movie. I agree and she's searching for one to watch online when my phone goes off. It's a text from Emy reminding me that I have other plans for the day. I sigh and tell Tegan to stop.

"Emy has a gallery tonight and she prefers when I get dressed up so I should probably head out. So can we take a raincheck on the movie?"

"Yeah, of course. I'll walk you to the door."

"Tegan, it's ten feet away. I think I can handle getting there by myself."

"You're my guest and it's the polite thing to do."

I eye her up and down, trying to figure out if she has some plan to try and kiss me before I leave but she looks mostly innocent. She hops off the bed and follows me towards the door.

"Do we hug? Shake hands? What do we do?!" She jokingly waves her arms all around frantically, flashing her gummy smile.

"I think we can manage a hug. No funny business though." I laugh, narrowing my eyes and poking her in the chest. I step forward and wrap my arms around her middle, burying my face in her neck and inhaling her scent like I always do without even knowing I do it.

She wraps her arms around my neck and tangles one of her hands in my hair, pressing me further into her neck. My lips and nose graze her neck causing an involuntary shudder to run down my spine. I pull away and she has a sort of smug grin from feeling my body to react to touching hers.

"So I guess i'll call or text you later then?" She asks, holding the door open as I back out.

"Yeah, okay." I nod. "And hey, thanks for today and all of this. I know you're ready and want to jump back into this whole thing but thanks for understanding that i'm with someone right now and I need time to get used to this whole thing with you being here and to just have us be normal."

"Well that's what family does, right sis?" She grins and i'm finally all the way out the door.

"Right. I'll talk to you later." I check my watch and spin on my heels, making my way down the hall.

"Bye!" She calls out to me and I don't look back until i'm about to turn into the stairwell. She's got her head poking out the door, still grinning, and waving to me.

I give her a small wave back, turning and descending down the stairs.


	12. The Bull

**A/N: **Sorry for the slow update (and short length), I was out of town this weekend and didn't have time to write as well as not feeling the inspiration to write the beginning of this chapter but things are going to pick up reeeaaal soon, I promise! :) As always, any comments/tips/follows/favorites are appreciated!

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**Sara's POV**

With Emy's hand in mine, I drag both of our tipsy bodies back to my house. I took her out for a nice dinner to celebrate our one year of being together and we shared a full bottle of wine. I'm not sure if I drank more or if it's just because i'm smaller but it's clear that i'm more intoxicated than she is. I didn't care because it was giving me the courage to listen to Tegan's advice and grab the bull by the horns.

We reach the house and it seems like an eternity until I finally manage to unlock the door with her hands grabbing me all over. We kick our shoes off and run upstairs to the bedroom. Emy immediately pushes me against the wall, pinning my hands above my head, and attacking me with her lips. I squirm out of her grasp and push her backwards until her knees hit the bed and she falls backwards. She looks up at me, surprised and intrigued that i'm actually being forceful.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" She hooks two fingers in one of my belt loops, pulling me in closer.

"Something i've been wanting to do for a long time. Now scoot back." I demand.

She backs up until she's lying in the middle of the bed with a nervous look planted on her face. I smirk and climb onto the bed, straddling her. I slowly unbutton my blouse and slide it off my shoulders, unhooking my bra and sliding that off too, never breaking eye contact with her.

Her eyes are dancing with excitement, seemingly glad to be seeing this side of me. The side that will take charge, but still only focus on pleasing myself. She's just another toy in aiding me to reach my orgasm.

I slip my jeans and underwear off, kneeling forward until her face is level with my pussy. I look down and smile, only seeing her eyes and the bridge of her nose. The corners of her eyes crease, letting me know she's smiling back.

"Eat me." I breathe, lowering myself onto her open mouth and hanging onto the top of the wooden headboard for support.

Emy moans, lapping up the juices between my folds. Her hands run up and down my sides, squeezing and short nails drag against my soft skin. I rest one of my hands on the top of her head, holding her in place as I rock back and forth, riding her tongue, and her nose bumping my clit on every back movement.

"Ooh fuck, Tegan." I gasp when she dips her long tongue inside of me.

She grips my hips, halting my movements, and pulls me away from her mouth with a look of horror painted across her face.

"What? Why did you stop?" I crease my eyebrows, confused.

"Seriously? Did you not hear what you just said?" She asks, now looking at me like i'm crazy.

"I said 'Ooh fuck, Emy'? What's the problem?" I continue to look at her, dumbfounded. Did she not want me to be vocal?

"Uhm, no Sara. You said 'Tegan', not 'Emy'."

"Oh." I mutter, realizing she's right.

"'Oh'?! You just moan out your sisters name while we're having sex and _that's _your reaction?! Why am I the only one freaking out here?!" Her eyes are wide and she's holding her arms out, waiting for me to react.

I don't know what to say, or how to react. I want to freak out, but not because of the normal reasons, like being in disgust over my mistake.

"It was obviously a mistake. I'm sorry, okay? You know she just came back in my life, and she's been on my mind a lot. It was only a mistake, I wasn't thinking about her in that way. That's gross, and I promise it won't happen again." I tell her and look down at her apologetically. I don't agree with the words i'm saying, but it still hurts to say.

"Okay." She accepts my apology moments later, studying my face and concluding that i'm being honest but I know it'll bother her for a while.

"Can we, uh, finish?" I ask awkwardly, still turned on.

She looks at me hesitantly, probably wanting to say no, but she grabs my hips anyway and gets back to work.

I concentrate on keeping my moaning to a minimum, careful not to make the same mistake twice. I'm left feeling somewhat disappointed when I finally come, knowing that I ruined the mood for her and she didn't put her all into it.

After I return the favor, she immediately rolls to her side of the bed and turns the lamp off, falling asleep. I sigh and roll onto my back, staring at the ceiling and thinking. I didn't understand why Emy was so upset. People said the wrong name all the time while having sex. Granted they probably didn't say their own siblings names but it truly was an accident and I meant it when I said I was sorry. I wasn't even thinking about Tegan or imagining it was her going down on me, it just slipped out.

I grab my phone off my nightstand and head towards the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and type out a text to Tegan; "I took your advice about 'the bull'."

"Yeah? How'd it go?" She replies back a few minutes later.

"Well it started out pretty good.." I'm thankful that I can't see or hear her right now, feeling guilty talking about this with her but she's the only one I have to talk to and if i'm going to be with Emy for a while, she has to get used to it.

"Until?"

"Until I said your name and not hers..." I respond, pacing around the small room until she replies.

"Oh my god, shut up. You did not." She says. I can clearly picture her amused and shocked expression, her ego growing at what my slip up means.

"I definitely did."

"What were you doing when it happened? (if you don't mind me asking)."

I debate whether or not to tell her. It didn't really feel crucial to our conversation, but then again I didn't even know what my point was in telling her this anyway. "Sitting on her face..." I decide to amuse her.

"You always were exceptionally vocal in that position."

I roll my eyes and grin, tapping out a response i'll probably regret. "I recall being vocal in any position you put me in."

I sit down on the toilet seat, picking at my nails impatiently while waiting for her to respond. It feels like forever until my phone beeps, notifying me of her text.

"Touché ;). So, uhm, how did she react?"

"She was a little horrified, and I think probably disgusted. I didn't even know what to say, but we still finished."

"Well what did you say?"

"That I was sorry and it was a mistake. Also that it was gross." I'm not sure if that last sentence is necessary, but she should know that I didn't mean it, and have never thought that.

"That is pretty gross, Sar. Moaning out your big sister's name while getting eaten out by someone else.. that's naughty." She replies, and I know she's got a cocky grin plastered on her face. Tegan's biggest fetish was getting off on us being related and that it was considered wrong by so many people.

I hold in a moan and cross my legs, getting turned on because I know it turns her on. I start texting her back, telling her that she should stop because an emotional affair is just as destructive as a physical one and I won't do that to Emy, but I get another one from her before I finish.

"But seriously, that sucks. Apologize again in the morning and make her a nice breakfast or something, just don't over do it. I'm gonna head to bed now though, gettin' super sleepy with this new busy life and all, hah. Call me tomorrow if you need to talk. :) Sweet dreams."

A smile spreads across my face, but internally I groan for loving how caring and selfless she's being about this whole situation when I know it has to be killing her on the inside.

"Okay, yeah. Thanks. Goodnight!" I tell her before deleting our whole conversation. The chances of Emy snooping around are slim, but it would be disastrous if she did happen to see them. I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining suggestive texts between my sister and I and based on her reaction earlier, she would not be into the idea and accepting of my past relationship with Tegan.

I hear a light knocking on the door and drop my phone from the fright. I frantically pick it up and flush the toilet before stepping to the sink and washing my hands, making it seem like I was actually doing something in here besides talking to Tegan.

I open the door to a sleepy looking Emy.

"Are you alright? You were in here for a long time." She rubs her eyes, and looks at me with concern, seeing the phone in my hand. "Were you talking to someone?"

"Yeah, i'm fine, sweetie. I was just checking some work emails and got distracted." I lie through my teeth, but she seems to buy it. "I'll meet you back in bed," I tell her as she walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

I crawl under the sheets, double checking my phone again to see that all the texts are gone. I'm just setting the phone back down when Emy scoots in behind me, wrapping an arm around my middle, and planting a soft kiss to the back of my neck.

I snuggle back into her body, relieved that she seems to be over the little accident that happened only an hour ago.


	13. Sara's Secret

**A/N: **_I'm not entirely positive if I need to say this but just in case, there may be a __**trigger warning**__ in this chapter! _

Anyway, here it finally is! One of you already guessed what happened in a review so i'm sorry to say that you were right. Also sorry for the plot twist, but it needed to happen for where I want this story to go! Again, all reviews are greatly appreciated (I seriously smile like an idiot every time I read one) and don't be afraid to say what you like, and don't like!

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** Tegan's POV**

When Sara called me earlier to see if I could come over because Emy was gone, I thought she meant they broke up and I was finally getting what I came for. I showered and dressed as fast as I could before calling a cab and going straight to her house.

I bounce from foot to foot while waiting for her to open her door and finally be able to kiss her after her being dangled in front of my face like some kind of toy only to be ripped away when I get close to snatching her for so long.

"Hey." Sara opens the door with a smile on her face, but her eyes looked tired and anxious.

"Hi there." I reply back with an even bigger smile, following her into the living room. "So Emy's really gone?"

"Yeah, she has a night class on Wednesdays so she won't be back until after 9."

"Night class? You guys didn't break up?" My face falls in disappointment.

"No.." She says, giving me a weird look. "Why would you think that?"

"I thought that's what you meant when you said she was gone." I fidget with the hem of my shirt, avoiding her eyes while trying to hold back the tears wanting to spill after knowing she's not mine and I can't kiss her.

"Oh, no.. I just know you'd rather hang out with me when she's not around and," she gently grabs my chin, turning my face towards her. She searches my eyes and lifts her eyebrows before continuing, "there's something I wanted to tell you."

"What?" I ask quietly, unable to stop my brain from thinking there's still hope.

"Something you've been wanting to know for a long time... " She trails off, waiting for me to understand what it is she's about to tell me.

"Oh." I say. I want to be happy that she's finally telling me, especially since she's doing it with out any pressure from me, but I know whatever it is she will say is going to hurt.

"I think you should sit down." She tells me.

I plop down on the couch and look up at her. It feels like she's so much bigger than I am, towering over me, and it makes me even more nervous.

"I was raped. It happened that night, after the lecture." She says says so stoically for a moment I think she's just messing with me. I'm about to call her out on it, but I know Sara and I know she wouldn't joke around with something like that.

"Oh my god..." The words manage to tumble out of my mouth before she continues.

"I was walking home and three guys ran up to me, calling my name. I stopped and turned around, thinking they were at the lecture and wanted to ask me a question or something. When they finally approached me, they started asking me questions about you.. and me. Apparently one of they guys lived in the building next door and saw us multiple times being intimate through his window. I was defenseless and kept backing up, unknowingly backing myself into an alley. They kept telling me how much of a sinner I was and that I was going to go to Hell for being in love and fucking my own sister, but that I could be saved; with their help. I obviously knew by then what they were planning to do and tried to run, but of course I wasn't going to get very far with my short legs and three large men in my way. So one of them grabbed me and dragged me further into the alley, holding me still and with one hand covering my mouth to muffle my screams. Another stood guard by the entrance of the alley while the last one tore my pants down and raped me. They all took turns, with no protection, and ...finishing off inside me. When they were done they just left me there and told me to watch my back and to warn you that if they saw you alone, you would get the same treatment."

My lungs feel as if they've collapsed, and there's no oxygen left in the room for me to inhale. How on earth could this have happened without me knowing? And how on earth is she being so calm about this?

"Sara... I... Did you tell anyone? Do you know who they were?" I force myself to stand up, feeling nauseous as I do so, and ask through muddled cries. I need to know who these disgusting pigs are so I can hunt them down, kill them, bring them back to life, and kill them again for doing something so inhuman to the one I love.

"Let me finish." She puts a hand up sternly to silence me but shakes her head no, answering my questions. "I limped the rest of the way home, positive blood was staining the inside of my jeans. I was hoping you would have been awake when I finally made it home. You would have seen me in that state and there would have been no way I could have kept from telling you right then, but I found you in my bed, already passed out. By morning my hatred towards those guys had turned to you. You should have been there, you would have been able to protect me, _us_, from that nightmare. But you weren't and just blew off the whole situation like it was nothing in the morning when I brought it up. It felt like you had failed me and a sick part of me wished that those same guys would corner you one night. I wasn't the only one a part of our relationship and I didn't see why I was the only getting punished. It wasn't fair. Almost a week later when I realized I had missed my period, I went out and bought a pregnancy test to see if life wanted to kick me even more while I was down. Well it did, and it came back positive."

"You have a kid?!" I ask in disbelief and look towards the staircase, wondering if there's a small toddler, a mini Sara, up there napping or playing quietly with toys.

"No. Anyway.. I decided then that I had to leave. I was still upset with you and there was no way I could tell you I was pregnant so I gave you other reasons as to why I had to go, which _were_ true, but really had very little influence on my final choice. So I came here, sat in a hotel for a week crying and trying to figure out what to do with this baby. I couldn't raise a kid on my own, I didn't want to, and I couldn't live knowing I had a kid and it was being raised by people I didn't know so that left me with only one option; abortion. It took me awhile to get over it and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. It took me even longer to realize that it wasn't your fault and that I needed you back in my life but I felt it was too late and then before I knew it, three years had flown by and I hadn't talked to you in so long and I had a girlfriend staying at my house all the time and it was just so much that was happening I didn't know how to deal." She pauses, and wipes one small tear away before continuing. "I don't know what I was expecting when I asked Mum to try to get you to see me, but I was hoping something would shift and we would just be okay, and not have to work towards a relationship. I thought that you would have moved on and found someone, but that wasn't what I saw when you came walking down Mum's block. I felt awful on the inside, I still do. It was me who asked you out and started our relationship. It was me that always left the blinds in our apartment open and always wanting to have sex not in the privacy of our bedrooms. It was me that ended us, and left. You were so perfect Tegan, and I ruined your life."

I can't even begin to wrap my head around everything Sara has just told me. What would have happened if she had told me? Or kept the baby? She wouldn't have been able to raise a child by herself, or even with my help. And the thought of what she would have gone through with Mum over the situation.. that would have been a disaster.

Not to mention the stab in my heart I feel hearing Sara say she thinks ruined my life. She has no idea just how much she saved me by being the brave one and confronting our feelings for each other when we were teenagers. The thought that Sara could ever think such such terrible things and knowing she had to go through this alone makes me sick to my stomach.

"I feel sick. I need air." I gasp. Sweat is starting to build on my forehead and i'm certain a full blown panic attack is going to set in any second. She finally starts to show emotion when I fight my way around her and towards the front door.

"Where are you going?!" She cries, racing after me out the door, and tugging on my shirt sleeve.

"I need air! I need to breathe, Sara!" I wail, tearing away from her grasp.

When I make it outside onto the front porch, I lurch forward, hands on my knees, and start dry heaving. I can't breathe between the violent gags, and I feel like I now understand what Sara goes through when she has an asthma attack, and how frightening it is.

"Tegan, you have to calm down." She stands next to me, rubbing soothing circles on my back but they have little affect. "I'm over it now though, so to speak, but we still need to talk about it."

"I need to process this, okay? Just give me a couple minutes." I mumble tiredly.

She nods, expecting me to sit on one of the wooden chairs on her porch but I take off down the small staircase and onto the sidewalk, hoping to run the shock out of my system and to clear my head a little. I have every intention of returning, I couldn't just leave Sara after she dropped that bomb on me but it wouldn't do me any good standing on the porch in her presence.

"TEGAN! Don't run from me when I need you!" Sara calls from behind me, desperately trying to catch up, and thinking that i'm running from the situation and won't return.

Ignoring her, I turn to run across the street, looking to my left then my right but through my bleary eyes I don't see the car coming at me on my left without its lights on. I hear the blaring horn and screeching tires, the smell of the burning rubber stinging my nostrils and then the impact of the car colliding with my tiny frame.

I hear the sounds of doors opening and slamming shut, hurried footsteps, and a blood curdling scream that could only belong to Sara. Everything hurts, but I force myself to open my eyes when I feel someone squeeze my hand. Sara's hovering over me, her warm tears splashing onto my face, trying to check if there's any life in my eyes. I try to squeeze her hand to reassure her but my forearm is on fire with the most burning pain i've ever experienced.

"Tegan? Can you hear me?" Sara sobs, brushing my hair out of my face. Even that small touch makes me wince in pain. I can see the crimson blood on her fingertips when she pulls her hand away. She stares at her fingers, her face getting so pale it's almost translucent.

"Sara.." I breathe. "It.. hurts.."

"I know baby, I know. But you'll be okay, I promise. We're getting you help." She soothes, never letting go of my hand.

I hear the footsteps of another person fast approaching and see that it's Emy, already on her phone and telling someone we need an ambulance before she even knows what's fully happened.

I open my mouth to speak, a quiet whimper involuntarily escaping and Sara urges me to not talk but I need to say something. I need to say something about what she just told me in case I don't wake up after I lose consciousness.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that happened and that I wasn't there for you. I let you down and I don't ever deserve you. I'm sorry." I choke out, my breathes getting shorter as the air gets harder to breathe and everything goes black.


	14. The Hospital

**Sara's POV**

I lost it after Tegan lost consciousness. My feet propelled me toward the driver of the car, a slew of obscenities leaving my mouth as I poked an angry finger at his chest.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why didn't you have your headlights on?! It's fucking dark out!" I scream in his face.

He takes a timid step backwards, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. _Good, _I think, _he should be afraid because i'm about to choke him to death._

"Are you stupid?!" I continue yelling when he doesn't say anything. "If she dies, I will fucking kill you. Do you get that!? I _will _kill you."

"Sara, stop." Emy says quietly. She grabs me above the elbow and pulls me away from the driver and into a hug.

I sob into her shirt, staining it with my tears. Her hand runs up and down my back, her voice in my ear shushing me and telling me it'll be okay, but it's not comforting and I don't believe her. What if Tegan isn't okay? I don't think I can physically live is she's not living. She continues to hold me until the ambulance and police arrive. I push her off of me and force my way into the ambulance, not caring if anyone is protesting to my presence as I watch them from the end of the stretcher check Tegan's vitals, hook her up to an IV, and an oxygen mask. When they're sure she's stable enough until we reach the hospital, they wipe the small amount of dried blood from the scratches on her face off and move onto her left forearm. It's almost completely covered in blood by now, and though there are no bones sticking out, I can tell it's broken from the weird angle it's lying at.

As they wipe the majority of the blood off, I can see her gory, torn flesh and it makes me woozy. My knuckles on my left hand turn white from gripping one of the metal bars on the stretcher and my right hand is squeezing Tegan's foot, hoping to find a sense of calm from being connected to her. I try to tear my eyes away from all the bloody gauze being handed off to be thrown away but I my eyes are locked on their focal point and soon I can see tiny, fuzzy black dots in my vision and my skin starts to sweat. By the time one of the EMTs realize i'm about to faint, it's too late and i'm collapsing onto the vehicle floor with a thud.

When I come to, I find myself staring at very white ceiling, and well, a very white everything. There's a shuffling noise to my left and I turn my head to see Emy standing up and walking towards me.

"Hey. How are you feeling?" She asks gently.

I push myself up into a sitting position, letting Emy grab my hand as she sits down next to me, pushing my hair away from my face with her other hand.

"Fine. What happened?" I ask, my voice coming out raspy. I look around for a glass of water but Emy pulls out a water bottle from her bag and hands it to me, knowing what I was looking for. "Thanks."

"I was told you fainted on the ambulance, and you were already in this room when I got here. Was it that bad?" She asks with concern.

I take a sip from the water, and lick my lips, feeling much better. I close my eyes and try to remember all that's happened in the past few hours.

"It was her arm," I start talking, my eyes still shut. "There was so much blood, Emy. It was awful. She just looked so lifeless lying there, broken, and with no control over what was happening to her. All I managed to do was tear away the attention she needed away from her by being weak and fainting." I start to cry.

Emy frowns and pulls my head down onto her shoulder, hugging me as more of my tears wet her shirt. "Shh, Sara, it's okay. Don't cry. She's getting help, they'll fix her up."

"But what if they don't?" I whimper. I was hoping my body would just disintegrate on its own and my soul would just find hers in whatever awaits us after life if Tegan didn't survive. I didn't want to have to leave this world by my own hands.

"Just don't think like that." She hushes. "Tegan needs all the support she can get right now, especially from you. Can you try to be strong? For Tegan?"

I only nod and place a gentle, thankful kiss to the underside of her jaw.

"Do you know if anyone contacted my mum?" I question after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah, I actually talked to her on the phone since you were still conked out. She was going to find the earliest flight out here but she still probably won't be here until morning." She informs me.

"Oh, okay. Thank you for being here." I lift my head and this time plant a kiss on her lips.

She nods, giving me a reassuring smile before running her hand through my hair and returning my gesture with a sweet peck.

"Did you want to go ask someone if you can see her or stay in here for a little while?"

"I'd like to see her."

"Did you want me to come with you?" She asks me nervously. I can tell by the look in her eyes that she hopes I say no, and truthfully, I wasn't sure I wanted her to join me.

"No, that's okay. I don't think you'd be allowed to anyway since you're not her family. You'll still wait in the waiting room or something though, won't you?"

"Of course. If there's anything you need, let me know. I love you." She tells me as we're about to head in opposite directions down the hall.

"I love you too." I reply back with a meek smile before walking away to find a doctor or nurse that can tell me where Tegan is.

As I stand outside Tegan's room in the ICU with a nurse, the only sound I can hear is my heart beating erratically and I feel like my legs are going numb with anxiety. I feel like I did the day at Mum's only a couple weeks ago, when I saw Tegan walking down the sidewalk. What I was expecting to see wasn't at all what I really did see, and I knew this going to be the same. She would look much worse than what my brain could ever imagine her looking like.

"Are you alright?" The nurse asks me, gently squeezing me forearm. I'm sure she's been informed about my earlier spill and doesn't want a repeat.

"I don't know. I'm scared." I answer honestly. "Can I sit down for a minute?"

"Of course." She gives me a sympathetic smile and leads me to a small row of chairs.

I sit, resting my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands while she goes to grab me some juice in hopes that it'll make me feel better. She returns a minute later with a small apple flavored juice box and hands it to me.

"Thanks." I shove the straw through the top and suck on it slowly, feeling better now that I have some sugar in me.

"Did you want to speak with her doctor before going in? She can give you more detail on what you should expect and hopefully prepare you a little more."

"I'd like that, thank you."

She retreats again and this time a woman dressed in all white and a stethoscope, instead of colorful scrubs, approaches me. I stand up, feeling like child with my juice box and anxiety compared to her tall height and stern, professional appearance.

"You must be Sara." She smiles warmly, offering her hand to me. "I'm Dr. Camden."

"Hi." I grab her hand and she shakes it firmly, making me want to wince in pain a little at her strong grip. She releases my hand then continues talking.

"I'll give you a rundown of all the injuries we know of that Tegan has sustained so far, what we can do about them, what condition she's in, and what you should expect before seeing her."

"Okay." I gulp, mentally preparing myself for the worst.

"First of all, she's stable and we're very optimistic she'll survive, but when she came in contact with the road, the back of her skull rebounded off the asphalt, cracking it and causing her brain to hit the front of her skull which resulted in some internal bleeding and swelling. We've put her in a medical induced coma to monitor her brain activity and keep her stable until the swelling has gone down. This basically just mean's she's taking a very long nap, she's not in any pain or anything. Her left radial bone, or forearm, is broken. We've already got that in a cast and it should heal just fine. Minor scratches and bruises along her arm, hands, and face but nothing that should leave any major scarring. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do otherwise until the swelling has minimized, and it can take up to two months before that happens and we can bring her out of the coma. However, based on the speed at which she was hit and the impact of her collision, the swelling should go down sooner rather than later."

"Is her brain okay? Is it damaged? Will she be different, or handicapped?" I ask in terror, taking in everything she's just said to me.

"We can't tell any of that until the swelling is gone. The chances of her being handicapped, to the point of where she can't function on her own, are slim but you need to know that it _is _possible. Her frontal lobe is the part that bounced off her skull and will most likely be the center of any concerns. If it's been affected badly, she may not even remember who she is or have a completely different personality. We're hoping it's only mild and her problems will only go as far as having trouble, like with writing or typing, solving problems, and maybe slight personality changes like being more quiet or more social than she was before."

I can only manage to chuckle weakly to stop myself from breaking down. Where was the good news in all of this? If Tegan woke up with a completely new personality, would it even be like she was my twin? Or if she wasn't able to take care of herself, was I willing to give up my own life to take care of her? What if she didn't love me anymore, or I couldn't find it in myself to love her if she changed? What if she was no longer attracted to girls in general?

There were so many questions I had, but only one that mattered right now; "Can I see her?"

"Of course. I heard about your incident in the ambulance, and rest assured, you will not see any blood. She does however, have many tubes, chords, and monitors she's hooked up to including a feeding tube and catheter. But if you took that all away, Tegan basically just looks like she's sleeping peacefully so just try to focus on that."

I nod, allowing her to guide me back in front of the entrance to Tegan's room but this time I won't back down. She opens the door, blocking me from the majority of Tegan's body, but I can see her ankles and bare feet resting on the blankets. They look normal, untouched by anything medical, and I know they're going to become a point of comfort over the coming weeks.

Dr. Camden steps to the side, giving me a view of Tegan's whole body, and places a hand on my shoulder as I take in Tegan's appearance. As I already knew, it's so much worse than I ever imagined it to be. I take a tentative step forward then glance over to Dr. Camden. She gives me a slight nod, letting me know it's okay that I get closer to Tegan.

The tears flow freely as my eyes travel up and down her body. It's hard to see Tegan's face with the feeding tube and white patches on her face connected to wires that are monitoring her brain activity, but the doctor was right; if you took that all away, she just looks like she's sleeping. I reach forward and carefully hold her hand in my own as the image of her slowly burns itself into my mind, traumatizing me forever.

Her chest slowly rises up and down, never changing its pace. The thin gown covering her is falling off her bony shoulder and I move to put it back in place, knowing it would bother her. Her skin feels clammy as my fingers graze across the surface and I wonder if she's actually comfortable, not that she knows if she is or not.

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her cast peeking out from under her blanket. I cringe at the neon pink color, knowing Tegan is going to hate it when she finally wakes up and sees it, or maybe she won't. Maybe something in her brain will change and she'll love the color, transforming into a girly-girl who wears dresses all the time. I turn my head to ask Dr. Camden if it would be too much trouble if they could change the pink to something more conservative like black, or blue but her pager goes off and she quickly excuses herself, leaving me alone with Tegan.

I move my focus back to her face, carefully moving a small piece of her bangs out of her face, and run a hesitant finger down her cheek, careful to avoid the small cuts and bruises. She looks so pale, but still so beautiful. She's like my Snow White, but I wasn't her Prince Charming. My kiss wouldn't wake her up, but i'll be damned if I wasn't going to try.

I close the distance between our faces and press my lips to the corner of her mouth, unable to kiss her directly because her feeding tube is in the way. She doesn't wake up, as I suspected, but absolutely nothing happened. A part of me was hoping her heart beat would speed up from knowing they were my lips, or her lip would twitch, but nope. Every machine kept it's steady beeping as if I wasn't even in the room.

I want to be angry that this is the situation that our lips are being brought together for the first time in over three years. This isn't how it should be. It should be me, realizing that I was stupid and breaking up with Emy, only to run right back into Tegan's arms and kiss her passionately. But i'm too stupid to have even done that, and I know i'll be too stupid to do it in the future, if I get the chance.

I return to full height and my eyes find their way back to her feet, already needing to stare at a part of Tegan that's normal. If I stare at them long enough, maybe I can trick myself into thinking this isn't real, and that this isn't my fault, but it is. I should have prepared Tegan more for what I was going to tell her, I shouldn't have let her leave my porch, and I should have ran after her faster.

I just kept ruining her life and she still kept me on this pedestal, thinking I was her soulmate and absolutely perfect for her when I wasn't. Perhaps it would be for the best if Tegan woke up and didn't love me anymore.

A nurse walks in, interrupting me from my pity party and tells me that Emy is looking for me. I sigh and give Tegan's hand a quick squeeze before leaving and meeting Emy outside the room. She looks uncomfortable and I can tell she wants to go home.

"Your mom called and said she'd be here in a few hours. She had to switch flights in Toronto and was just boarding when I hung up with her. She plans to come straight here, but if you have other plans she wants you to call her."

I look at the clock on the wall, noting that it'll be almost 3am by the time she gets here. I'm exhausted, and would love to go sleep in my bed, but I can't just leave Tegan here with no one.

"Why don't you go home and sleep? I'll wait here for my mum and we'll come home in the morning to figure some things out. I'll have to call Tegan's work to let them know the situation, and run to her hotel room to grab her things and check her out." I say.

"You'll be okay here by yourself?" She asks.

"Yeah, i'll call if I need anything." I pull her in for a quick hug and kiss before she leaves. I head back into Tegan's room and take a seat on the cushioned bench by the window, curling up and watching Tegan's feet until I drift off into a light sleep.

I wake up to the sound of hushed voices talking. I open my eyes to see Mum and a nurse discussing Tegan's condition. Mum looks frazzled, holding onto Tegan's hand tightly as she's given all of this terrible news about her daughter.

"Mum?" I call quietly.

"Oh, Sara!" She whips her head around to look at me, then quickly walks over to me and pulls me up, hugging me hard. "I didn't even know she was in Montreal until the hospital called! What happened?!"

"We were hanging out and she started having a panic attack and went outside to get some fresh air. We were standing on my porch when she just took off down the sidewalk. She was crossing the road and didn't see the car coming without its lights on and then.. well.." I trail off and just gesture to Tegan, not wanting to relive the experience.

"Why was she having a panic attack? Were you two fighting?" She pulls away, keeping her hands on my shoulders, interrogating me.

"No, Mum. We were just talking and trying to work things out. Things were getting better." I shrug, and just like that, my eyes are like waterfalls. My whole body shakes as I stand in her embrace, clutching onto her and bawling like I did when Tegan and I were five and she wouldn't share her favorite toys with me.


	15. Tegan's Belongings

** Sara's POV**

I don't know how Tegan managed to make such a mess of her hotel room with only having a backpack filled with her belongings, but i'm not surprised that she did. The garbage is piled high with take-out boxes and I realize she probably hasn't eaten anything relatively healthy since she flew out here. I make a mental note to cook her something nice after she gets better.

The bathroom has towels thrown about and toothpaste smeared across the mirror. I don't know how she could live so messily, especially since she was never quite this bad when we were together. Was the real Tegan always this gross, but just kept things tidy for the sake of pleasing me or was she really just letting herself go due to heartbreak and frustration?

Her clothes are easy enough to fold and stuff to the bottom of the bag. I don't bother folding them neatly since it seems she hasn't done laundry yet and I know i'll be washing everything soon. Her desk is a little more complicated and I try to keep all of her papers organized. As I pick up the last file folder, I spot a small journal underneath it. It's black with a silver gothic design on it. I recognize it as the one Tegan picked out when we were fifteen and the therapist our Mum sent us to suggest we get to write our feelings down in. I never used mine and it turned out we really didn't need the therapy because our fighting didn't stem from us hating each other. We were just so horny and madly in love with each other that the only way we knew how to deal with it was by yelling and fighting. When the fighting stopped and we started getting along, Mum was so happy and thought the therapy helped but it was really just because I had asked Tegan out and we were now a couple.

I pick the journal up, running my finger along the worn spine. I know I shouldn't look at it, but I can't help myself. Tegan was so quiet when we were teenagers and didn't always let me in, so now was my chance to finally know what she was thinking. I flip through it quickly, seeing that it's almost filled with some entries that are short, and some that are pages long.

I sit down on the bed, preparing to look at it more closely, and wince as something hard pokes into my bum. I stand back up, and rip the sheets out of the way, seeing an expensive, bright yellow vibrator lying on the mattress. I blush, thinking about how many times Tegan has used it since she's been here and what she was watching and/or fantasizing while using it. I tentatively pick it up by the end where the power button and intensity controls are, presuming she didn't clean it after she last used it, and wrap it up in one of her shirts before dropping it into her bag. I check the bed once more before finally sitting down and opening the journal up to the first page, reading the text, and smiling that she started each entry with 'Dear Diary'. I flip through the pages slowly, picking random entries to read.

_Dear Diary,_

_...Therapy sucks. I'm forced to sit on a couch next to Sara for hours a week and it's torturous. I just want to hold her hand and stare at her face, but she would punch me if I ever tried to touch her. I don't know why she hates me so much, but I wish she loved me..._

_...Tonight I touched myself to thoughts of Sara for the first time. We crossed paths in the hallway earlier when she was coming out of the bathroom in just a towel and I tensed up, my eyes traveling over her exposed skin, still red and moist from her hot shower. She gave me a weird look and I ran back into my room, having forgot what I had even left my room for. I feel awful and disgusting for doing such a thing, but I just couldn't help myself..._

_...I think Sara is dating our friend Ashley. They won't let me come to their sleepovers anymore and i've never felt such intense jealousy. Why won't she just love me?..._

_...Sara and Ashley broke up yesterday. Sara was pretty sad and she asked me to hold her while she cried. I wanted to find Ashley and punch her for hurting Sara and making her cry, but I was also kind of glad because I was able to touch Sara and comfort her..._

_...Tonight is Sara and I's first date. I'm so nervous and a little afraid that somehow she found out I like her and she's just playing a joke on me. I know Sara would never do such a thing to me, but I can't help but be pessimistic and think it. I don't know why she would like me. I'm shy and awkward, and she's so smart, confident, and beautiful. Even though we're twins, she's so out of my league..._

_...Sara kissed me! She actually kissed me, on the mouth! It was my first kiss and it was perfect. I hope she's my first everything..._

_...It was hard at school today. I just wanted to hold Sara's hand like all the other couples do, but I know we'll never be able to. We'll always have to hide our love, but I think it's worth it. Sara's perfect and I would happily give up anything just to have her be mine forever..._

_...Sara kissed me behind the bleachers today. She said everyone in high school does it, and that we should do it too. She's so cute..._

_...Tonight Sara and I are going to have sex for the first time. We're both virgins but I know Sara's going to be better at it than I am. I'm scared that i'll do something wrong, or I won't be able to make her feel good, or i'll be too quiet, or too loud, and then she'll want to break up with me. I couldn't handle it if Sara was no longer mine..._

_...Last night was amazing. At first it was a little awkward being so close to someone naked but Sara is really sexy. I think she has a nicer body than I do, but she said I turned her on a lot so that made me feel more confident, and once we got started, I didn't worry at all and just did what felt right. The face she made when she came was super cute, and hot, I hope I can make her make that face again soon and for years to come..._

I fall back onto the bed, holding the journal to my chest, and giggle like a school girl over the last few entries, not wanting to dwell on her depression before we had gotten together. Tegan's awkwardness and unsureness were things I found absolutely adorable. She was so shy and romantic, but always tried to hide it. It's so strange to think about how Tegan was at the beginning of our relationship compared to how she was when we went to college. Our roles sort of reversed, she became the extrovert and I stuck with letting her take the lead most of the time, and it makes me wonder what our love making would be like today.

She was right though, our first time was amazing and i'm glad we waited a few months to do it even though our bodies wanted us to do it right way. We knew the severity of what sleeping together would do to us, and waiting those few months allowed us to be completely sure that it was what we both wanted. Thinking back on it now, there's not a thing I would change about that night and I would never forget a detail about it.

_I knock lightly before entering Tegan's room. It's practically pitch black, save for the small amount of moonlight creeping in through her window. I flip the light switch, illuminating us in brightness, and I see her sitting on her bed, sheets pulled up to her neck._

"_Turn that back off." She says, looking at me and squinting while her eyes adjust._

"_Why? I want to be able to see you." I question, keeping my hand on the switch._

"_What if you think i'm gross?" She looks away and takes a deep breath._

"_Tee.. we're twins. Do you think i'm gross?" I ask her._

"_No, I think you're beautiful." She shakes her head while playing with a worn spot on her blanket._

"_Then how could you possibly think you're not beautiful as well?"_

_I see her give a small smile, but I know she's still uncomfortable with the idea._

"_Turn the lamp on, and i'll shut the light off?" I ask in a compromise._

_She leans across her bed, turning her lamp on, and I flick the light off. It's a lot darker, but we'll still be able to see each other. I walk over to her bed and bend down, kissing her on the lips._

"_Are you already naked?" I ask, noting that she won't let go of the sheet around her body while we were kissing._

"_No."_

_I stand back up and pull the sheet away, seeing that she's dressed in the same thing I am; a tank top and underwear, something we've seen each other in multiple times already. I grab her hand and pull her off the bed so we're now standing across from each other. I can tell she's really nervous because she won't look me in the eye._

"_Can you look at me?" I hold her chin between my thumb and pointer finger, turning her face towards me and she finally looks into my eyes. "Are you sure you want to do this? We can wait if you're not ready."_

"_I'm ready, just nervous. Really nervous."_

"_I'm nervous too." I admit._

_She looks a bit shocked, but then relaxes a little and places her hands on my waist. I cup her face in my hands and pull her to me, connecting our lips and letting us fall into an all too familiar rhythm. Tegan's always a little hesitant at first, even though we've made out countless times, and lets me take the lead but eventually she starts getting more dominant. I think deep down she's more naturally dominant than submissive, but her confidence and nerves hold her back. She's so concerned with constantly pleasing me, she can't just be herself. I'd like to tell her that I would love for her to just throw me down on the bed and take me with no mercy but that would probably just embarrass her._

_Her hands grip the bottom of my tank top and I run my hands down her arms to her hands, helping her guide the fabric off my body. I lift her own tank off as well before she can reconnect our lips and drop the material to the floor. I lunge back in, attacking her bottom lip with a small nip and bare breasts meet bare breasts as our bodies collide. The sensation causes our nipples to harden against each other and I can't help but moan, it feels too good._

_I move to plant wet kisses up along her jaw to her ear, licking the spot right underneath and behind her ear, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from her._

"_You turn me on so much." I whisper with hot breath, then pull away so we can get a look at each other's naked torsos._

_Tegan blushes as her eyes travel south, gawking at my large, though slightly smaller than her's, chest. She silently mouths the word 'wow' then reaches her hands up, placing her open palms on either of my boobs. She gently squeezes them and giggles a little, slightly alleviating the awkward tension in the room._

_I smile at her adoringly and giggle too. It was such a dorky and uninhibited Tegan thing to do, I could cry with joy. She looks back up at me with a smile like a child who just successfully won a stuffed animal out of a crane machine._

"_I love you." I tell her before pressing my body against hers once again and backing us up until we fall onto her bed. She lands with her legs open and me positioned in between them. My mouth latches onto her neck, sucking only long enough to leave a mark that will fade by morning before moving on to cover more skin._

_She takes deep, shuddery breaths as I work her into a puddle. I can feel the tension in her neck as I lick it, knowing she's trying to stop herself from moaning. I kiss back up to her ear, biting her earlobe then soothing it with a lick._

"_I want to hear you scream my name, Tegan. Don't hold back." I purr._

"_Oh god," she whimpers and tilts her head back so I can move down to her neck._

_I link our hands, fitting together perfectly like two puzzle pieces, as I kiss across her collar bone and down to her chest. I circle one of her nipples with my tongue before closing my mouth around it and biting lightly to see how sensitive she is and if she has a tolerance or liking for a little pain._

"_Ahh..." She hisses in pleasure and her grasp on my fingers tightens so I move across to her other breast, giving it the same treatment._

_I meet my hips with hers, slowly moving my pussy against hers while I leave small hickeys across her chest. The slick wetness seeping through our undies add some much desired friction and I trail my open mouthed kisses down her stomach and to the inside of her thighs._

_When my face is between her legs, I lick her over her panties with my broad tongue, finally getting a taste of her sweetness._

"_You taste so good, Tee." I moan, pulling her underwear down and off her legs. I plant more kisses along her thighs and mound, moving in to kiss her lips and spread them with my fingers, seeing just how wet she already is. I smile, and inhale her scent. She sighs and I peek up at her to see her leaning on her elbows and watching me with lust filled eyes._

_I never break our eye contact while I lick and suck at her, avoiding her clit until I can't hold back any longer. I finally suck her swollen button between my lips, flicking my tongue over it intensely._

"_Uuunh...uunghh.." She moans loudly and falls onto her back. Her hand tugs at my hair and pulls my face into her deeper._

"_Did you like that?" I giggle between licks._

"_Mmm yeah. Fuck your big sister." She demands, but as soon as the words have left her mouth, her grip loosens and her hand slides off my head, landing to rest on her thigh._

_I lift my head to see what's wrong and she's just staring at me with wide eyes, probably thinking i'm turned off by her dirty talk but it didn't even phase me. If Tegan specifically got off on having sex with her own sister, that was her prerogative, and I was certainly in no place to criticize her with my face buried into her pussy. _

_In hopes to make her feel better, I smirk and wink at her, muttering "You got it, sis," before diving back in. My middle finger circles her tight entrance, teasing her, and she groans out in frustration. Her hips buck up into my hand and face, trying to get me inside of her._

"_Plea...please..." She begs._

_I tease her a little more then I give her what she wants and slip my finger in and out at an agonizingly slow place. When I feel like i've tortured her enough based on her groaning and whining, I add another finger and pick up my speed. She bucks her hips up in time with my deep thrusts and holds my head in place as I continue to lick and suck at her clit. She's getting noisier and more squirmy so I know she's close. I curl my fingers up, hoping i'm hitting her g-spot to send her over the edge. Within seconds, she's crying my name out and tightening around my fingers as her juices drench my hand and coat my cheeks even more._

_She releases her hold on my head after she's stopped shaking in pleasure, and I pull out of her. I crawl up her sticky body so we're once again aligned perfectly and hold my hand covered in her juices between our faces, offering her a taste._

"_I'd rather taste it on you." She says._

_I smirk, wondering how many more times Tegan will surprise me tonight by showing just how sexual she can be. I lick my hand clean like a cat would its paws, then attach my lips to Tegan's, letting her taste. She lets out a little moan then takes the kiss deeper._

_After a long moment, I pull away and run my thumb across her lips, taking in her sweaty and glowing face with my eyes._

"_Why are you looking at me like that?" She eyes me up and down with hooded eyes and rosy cheeks._

"_Because you make me so wet. If I had known this is what you were going to be like, I would have taken you months ago." I whisper in her ear with a silky voice._

_She smiles and blushes at the compliment, then unexpectedly flips us over. I grin up at her, her long hair hanging down and tickling my cheeks. She grins back with a wicked glint in her eyes, her hand already traveling its way into my soaked undies, and I know i'm about to have the time of my life._

I'm startled out of my nostalgic reverie by the sound of my phone ringing. I look around on the bed, searching for my phone, and notice that my right hand is shoved down my tight jeans and cupping my wet heat. I pull my hand out and groan, thinking I better get my issues straight either before Tegan wakes up, and recovers or things blow up in my face with Emy.

I see my phone about to vibrate itself off the table and shoot off the bed, grabbing it before it falls.

"Hello?" I answer quickly, out of breath.

A man's voice I don't recognize on the other line informs me it's the record company Tegan works for returning my voicemail I left them earlier. I solemnly explain to him why she's not been in contact and sending her work in for the past two days and that I don't know when or if she'll be back in Vancouver. He says the company sends their sympathies to her and her family with what sounds like genuine concern. I smile to myself, thankful that at least Tegan had a familial environment with her at work since she claimed to have no friends, and it seemed like she didn't always have the best relationship with Mum. I ask him if he'd like to be kept updated on her progress, and if there's anything I can do to help ensure Tegan doesn't lose her job for being absent for so long- even if it's over something she can't help. He assures me that Tegan will always have a job there and not to worry, the company wouldn't be what it is if it wasn't for her, and that if it's no trouble to keep them posted, they would appreciate it. I thank him for understanding, then hang up.

I shove my phone into my pocket and run my fingers through my hair, looking around the room. Hopefully Tegan wakes up and still wants to work there, it'd be a shame if she no longer had such a great place she wanted to go to work to every day. I quickly pack everything else up and sling her bag onto my shoulders, inspecting the room one last time before shutting the door behind me.


	16. The Sidewalk

**A/N:** I know, I know, this is a pathetic excuse for a chapter but I hate combining two different POVs in one and I _really _wanted something Tegan based in the story right now and everything that's happening - or lack of - to her. I promise the rest will all be regular length!

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**Tegan's POV**

I don't know what this place is, but it's strange. I don't like it.

Everything is white, nothing exists except for this infinite sidewalk underneath my feet. I can hear footsteps and yelling behind me and I know they belong to Sara but every time I look behind me, she's not there even though I can still hear her. Sometimes I think I hear Mum and other voices, but they aren't on the sidewalk so I know they're not real. Only Sara and I are.

I want to stop running, but it's like my feet don't belong to me. I have no control. I can't even turn around to run towards Sara instead of away from her.

Will she ever be able to catch up to me?

What happens when the sidewalk stops?

I hope this all ends soon.


	17. I Just Want To Escape

**A/N: **Thank you all for the nice reviews on the last chapter (especially since it was only about 150 words)! It's always appreciated! :)

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**Sara's POV**

It's been a little over three weeks since Tegan's accident. To say they have been stressful would be quite the understatement. Most of my time has been spent either at the hospital, or at work, leaving little time for me to spend with Emy. It's obvious she's stressed and upset that the only time she gets with her girlfriend is at night, and even then it only includes a few kisses before the light is shut off and we go to sleep.

I feel bad that she feels bad, but i'm spending my time where I really want to; with Tegan. One would think it gets boring sitting for hours on end next to a person succumbed to continuous sleep but I don't mind. If there's no one else in the room with me, I often talk to Tegan. I tell her about Montreal, how sometimes I miss Vancouver, that I found her journal, that when she wakes up, she'll be the same old Tegan, and any other random thoughts that might pop into my head. I know she won't have any recollection of our one-sided conversations, but having them makes me feel better, and hopefully they won't be one-sided for too much longer.

Dr. Camden is optimistic that they can bring Tegan out of the coma in about a week. Almost all of the swelling has gone down, and they were to able tell if there's any serious, permanent damage. There isn't, but there's still all of the personality changes, memory issues, and other small problems i'm worried about.

I won't be allowed in the room when they first bring her out of it. Apparently patients who are in Tegan's situation are often hysterical during the process. They're confused about where they are, why they're there, and why there are tubes and cords attached to their entire body. It doesn't sound pleasant, and I doubt I would choose to be there for that if I was even allowed, I feel traumatized enough as it is already. Once they calm her down, then I can go in to see her. She'll most likely be hopped up on drugs so I don't know what to expect, or how to act, when I can finally talk to Tegan again but i'll just be happy knowing she's actually listening and watching.

It's causing me an insane amount of anxiety and it's mostly for that reason I wish things were going better with Emy right now. She's been supportive enough, letting me rant or cry when we do have the chance to see each other during the day but I wish she would come to the hospital with me more. She usually always drops me off and walks me to Tegan's room, giving me a quick goodbye, but that's it. The only time she came into the room with me was about five days after the accident. We walked up to the bed together, hand in hand, but once she took one look at Tegan's face she let go of my hand to shield her eyes while she broke down and cried. I was so taken aback by her reaction, and we left the room immediately, receiving strange glances as I escorted her to the waiting room.

When she calmed down she apologized and explained how it looked just like me lying there, and if it weren't for Tegan's tattoos, she would have actually believed it was me. I felt guilty for not realizing that might be a problem. Tegan and I are extremely identical at first glance, and Emy didn't have the opportunity to spend enough time around us both to distinguish that our faces are really quite different. She felt bad, but I told her it was okay and that she didn't have to come with me anymore.

I didn't think I would mind since I thought Mum would be around awhile if I did want the company, but she left about a week and a half ago because she couldn't ignore work any longer. However we still talk daily on the phone so I can update her, even though there's not much to be updated on.

Right now i'm trying to clean up Tegan's room a bit. There are so many different bouquets of flowers from various family members and Tegan's coworkers, though none seem to be from any friends. It's hard to keep track of which ones I already watered and also having to clean out the dead leaves and flower petals from all the vases. There are also a few balloons that are starting to lose their helium and are sinking to the ground, as well as a generous stack of sympathy and get well soon cards. The gestures are nice, and it's comforting to know so many people care for Tegan, but by the time she wakes up the flowers will all be dead and the balloons will all be flat. I would complain that it's a hassle to keep everything in order but I welcome the distraction.

A few nurses walk in and give me the same sad smile filled with pity that they always do as I drop the dead plant pieces into the garbage. I smile back and watch as they check all of the monitors, making sure everything is correct and in order. I step up to the end of the bed, holding one of Tegan's feet and gently run my fingers across the veiny skin as I watch more closely to what they do. I had been right about her feet becoming a source of comfort over the weeks because they were untouched by anything medical. Sometimes I would massage them to distract myself as I talked to her endlessly about things I don't even remember now and it made me smile to look at them because the hair growing on her legs was clearly visible now.

Besides a small period during college of about four months where Tegan stopped shaving all together and I was forced to deal with having a hairy girlfriend, she was very meticulous about her hygiene. She would be embarrassed now to know that people keep seeing her legs in such a state. I make a mental note to ask her if she remembers why she even went through that phase because I was certainly not fond of it.

One of the nurses pulls a small flashlight out of her pocket and leans in closer to Tegan's face. She lifts one of Tegan's eyelids open and shines the light on her eye, checking it. I wince. Though i've watched them do this many times over the weeks, it stills gives me an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach to see her chocolate brown eyes glazed over and practically void of life when for the majority of my life I had seen them sparkling with happiness. I could even tell they were starting to get a little less sad as we spent more and more time together after she got out here.

She checks her other eye then politely asks if I can step out of the room while they clean her. It was another one of those things that they wouldn't allow anyone to be in the room for. If they only knew how many times I had seen Tegan naked in the past, or even washed her when we took showers together they would probably ask if I wanted to do it myself. I only kindly nod and see myself out.

I walk through the hospital hallways, running my fingers along the white walls adorned with large paintings and photographs in expensive frames. The sterile scent still burns my nose every once in a while until I reach the cafeteria. I purchase a small coffee and muffin then head over to a table by a large window. The remaining orange and red leaves fall and flutter to the ground as the cold autumn air blows through the branches. Every once in a while one will float its way to the window, knocking into it before falling.

Out of the corner of my eye I see a little boy smiling with joy and running towards the window. He stops right next to the chair across from me, small hands planted against the glass, sure to leave their prints when he removes them, and watches the leaves fall to the ground. He looks my way and points to the largest tree with a grin. I chuckle and smile back at him.

Looking at him, I think about how a child like him was one of the smaller reasons I left Tegan. But did I really want to give up a life with her to have a family with someone I could never love as much? Emy was the ideal partner, but I wasn't sure I could picture myself raising a child with her, or with anyone for that matter. Would it really be impossible for Tegan and I to have a family if we ever got back together in the future? I suppose one of us could adopt or have a baby, then the other would just be an aunt to the child but that still left the issue of not being able to act like a real family in public.

The boy's parents join him at the window holding hands and looking as happy as can be. The jealousy boils inside of me and I promptly stand up, push my chair in, throw my things away, and walk out. It wasn't fair for others to walk around and display their love with their soulmate, when I wasn't allowed to do the same. I was just as decent of a human being as every one else, there was no reason that I, or Tegan, had to be ashamed of who we loved. It hurts so fucking bad, I just want to escape, but that's why I need Emy. I need her so I can forget, hold her hand in public, and feel proud just like everyone else.

I step outside and turn my phone back on, calling Emy right away.

"Hey babe, what's up?" She answers on the third ring.

"Hey, nothing much. What are you doing right now?" I say, leaning against the same tree the young boy had been so excitedly pointing at just minutes ago.

"I'm just drafting some ideas out for a client. Is everything okay? Did something happen to Tegan?" She asks.

"No, no, she's fine," I assure her. "I just need to get away from the hospital for a bit. Can you come pick me up then can we go for a walk through the park or something?"

"Yeah, of course!" She beams happily, sure to be glad that i'm taking the time to be with her. "I'll meet you out front in about ten minutes."

"Okay, great. See you soon." I say before hanging up and putting my phone back into my pocket. I make my way to the entrance of the hospital, stepping on all of the crunchy looking leaves like Tegan and I used to do when we'd go for walks around campus. I stop at a bench and sit down to wait for Emy.

I climb into her car when she pulls up, buckle up, and lean into give her a quick kiss before she starts to drive. We ride peacefully to the park, not talking, only listening to the sound of the quiet music playing on the radio. She pulls over and parks on the side of the road, and takes my hand when we're both out of the car. We walk slowly through the park, still just enjoying the other's presence. I take a deep breath, enjoying the scent of the cool, fresh air.

"I've missed this, you know. I miss you." She speaks up, and squeezes my hand gently.

"I know. I miss you too."

"But that doesn't really matter though, does it?" She says sadly, then looks away before continuing. "Tegan will always come first."

"You learn quick, don't you?" I chuckle with a sadness equal to Emy's.

"Things will go back to how they were eventually though, right?"

"Eventually, yes. They want to wake her up next week then it's a couple more weeks of recovery in the hospital, and then she has to stay with someone, or have someone stay with her at home, until she's back in tip-top shape."

"She'll be staying with us, won't she?" She sighs.

"She doesn't really have any other option since she won't be able to fly for a few months. If you could just please bare through it, I would really appreciate it... and if you could move your work stuff out of the guest room while she's there, I would also appreciate that. I want her to be comfortable, and to have her own space."

She nods and drops my hand, running her hand through her hair. I shove my hands in my pockets, disappointed because this wasn't the peaceful escape I was looking for.

"It's only about for two more months, so it'll go by quickly. You won't even know she's there, or you could always become friends." I add.

"I never really got the vibe that Tegan liked me very much." She says.

"That's not true," I lie. "Tegan's just very ..protective of me, being the older one and all."

"Right." She mumbles, and pulls my hand out of my pocket, taking it in hers again, letting me know she'll be as accommodating as possible.

I smile as another couple walks past, saying a kind 'hello' to Emy and I. I spot a small food cart selling caramel apples and apple cider up ahead near the playground and my smile grows. I step ahead of Emy and turn around, grabbing both of her hands while we continue walking.

"Want to share a caramel apple? No nuts, of course." I giggle.

"You truly are gay." She laughs, and tugs on my hands to pull me closer to her. She wraps her arms around my waist, stopping us from walking and kisses me hard. I'm usually not one for excessive PDA, but I welcome the joy it's currently bringing.

She pulls away, looking at me with a slight twinkle in her eye. "Race you?"

I accept her challenge by taking off ahead of her, laughing like a child as my feet crush the slowly dying grass towards the food cart.


	18. Not Giving Up

**Sara's POV**

Today's the day Tegan's being brought out of the coma. Dr. Camden along with many other doctors and nurses are in her room right now doing whatever it is they need to do.

I'm in the hospital cafeteria right now, stuffing my face with sweets and drinking an unhealthy amount of coffee to calm my nerves. I glance over to the clock, watching the second hand tick by faster than i'd like. Don't get me wrong, i've been wanting this day to come for a whole month, but i'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely wracked with fear over the person I may encounter.

I get hypnotized by watching the minutes tick by until there's only five minutes left before I need to be back to Tegan's room. I stand up and immediately groan, clutching my hand to my stomach. Perhaps that huge piece of apple pie, two cupcakes, and handful of candy corn was a not so good idea. I feel like I could slip into a coma myself, a sugar coma. I trudge back to Tegan's room slowly, though the caffeine running through my veins is making me want to bounce off the walls.

Dr. Camden is standing outside Tegan's room speaking to a nurse when I round the corner. She looks to me with a real smile on her face, instead of one with sympathy.

"Good morning, Sara" She greets me.

"Good morning!" I reply back. "How is she doing?"

"Just fine. She wasn't too much of a complication, the only issue we had was with her feeding tube. She kept trying to pull it out to speak which resulted in a lot of tears so we sedated her just a little to calm her. When we finally got it out, she mumbled your name a few times, so that's a good sign. I believe she's still awake right now, but the drugs have made her very sleepy. Would you like to go in and see her?"

"God, yes." I gush with a chuckle.

"Just remember to go easy on her. Don't speak too loudly, bombard her with a bunch of questions, treat her like she's different, or crush her with a hug." She laughs before sliding the door open enough for me to enter.

I step into the room, seeing Tegan in a half sitting/half lying position, and staring out the window. The worst and last of her bruises, one right on her jawline under her ear, is now a pale yellow color. The rest of her skin is just as pale, and her chest rises slowly and slightly unevenly with each breath but she looks a hundred times better than she did yesterday.

She hears me plop my bag down on the chair then walking up to her, and she turns her head. Her half-lidded, puffy red eyes slowly run up and down my body, taking me in, and I can't read her expression.

"Hi Tee." I say hesitantly.

Her eyes meet mine for only a second before she twists her head back towards the window. I take it as a sign that there was a mistake and she really doesn't remember me and my eyes instantly start to well up with tears when she pats the extra space next to her on her bed.

I quickly wipe my eyes and move to gently sit down next to her on the little room left. She turns her hand, still connect to an IV and a few other cords, so her palm is face up. I place my hand on top of hers and she carefully wraps her fingers around my own.

"You caught me," she chokes out with a raspy voice. Her small smile fades and she knits her eyebrows together, then clears her throat. "You caught me." She tries again, this time with a clearer voice that sounds much more like the one I know to belong to Tegan.

"What do you mean?" I question, not having a clue what she's talking about. It must be the drugs, and she's just delusional because I haven't been chasing her.

"I was running forever on the sidewalk, and you couldn't catch up," she starts. She focuses her gaze back at me, smiling and her tired eyes squint almost shut. It reminds of how she looked when she smiled while high. "But you finally did. You did it, you made it. You've got me."

I guess she's probably talking about just right before the car hit her, when she took off and I chased after her, but I didn't catch her then. Was that what she was dreaming about the whole time?

"Yeah, i've got you." I smile back at her, and squeeze her hand, realizing how relieved she is that i'm here.

We sit in comfortable silence holding hands, the pad of my thumb caressing her soft skin, while we stare out the window to watch the last leaves fall from their branches. She turns her head and opens her mouth, breaking the silence.

"I don't like this color very much. They say I have to keep it on for another three weeks." She lifts her neon pink cast colored arm and makes a face of disgust.

"I don't like the color either." I smile and I wish I would have remembered to ask about someone changing it.

"Because we're twins?" She whispers with such curiosity. She glances down to our connected hands then back up to me, waiting for me to answer.

"Yeah, because we're twins." I laugh.

"Would you like to sign it? You're the only one i'm going to allow to."

It's silly but I know i'm blushing over being the only one she thinks is special enough to sign it.

"Sure, i'll go find a marker." I let go of her hand and leave the room, asking someone at the front desk if they have a sharpie I can borrow for a minute. I return and sit back down, taking the cap off the black marker.

Tegan stretches her arm across her body as much as she can without causing any pain. She closes her eyes and rests her head back on the pillow, exhausted from even the smallest of movements. I hold her arm steady in my left hand, the marker in my right hovering over the colored plaster. My mind is a complete blank over what to write. It's too impersonal to write "Get Well Soon!" but I can't write anything too personal. I meet the pen tip to the cast and scribble out the only thing that can come to mind.

I pop the cap back on and guide her arm back to rest on her lap. She opens her eyes and tilts her head down, scanning her eyes over the messy 'Sasa' and heart drawn next to it a few times before her brain registers what it says and means.

"Cool." She flashes an approving gummy smile then rests her head back into the pillow.

I chuckle and go return the marker. When I return only moments later, Tegan's trying with all her might to reposition herself but her body's just too weak.

"What are you doing?" I lay my hand on her forearm and she stops moving.

"Trying to make more room." She breathes heavily, and one of her monitors starts to beep loudly. She gives up and falls back against the pillows.

Two nurses rush in, one checking the beeping machine, the other checking Tegan, and I step off to the side. When they ask her what's wrong, she explains that she just wanted to move over so I could sit more comfortably by her. They tell her she shouldn't be trying to move so much on her own then they both turn to look at me and I feel guilty, even though I didn't ask Tegan to scoot over. Tegan starts to pout and they give in, helping her move over.

After they leave the room, she again pats the spot next to her and I sit down.

"Lay down with me?" She asks.

I lift my legs up and settle into the soft padding underneath us, folding my hands in my lap.

She grabs my left hand and drags it over to her lap, holding it as we lay in the silence.

I should feel calm, even happy, but it's such a conflicting and confusing situation my brain won't be quiet. When it's just Tegan and I getting lost in our own world like this, she's the only person I can picture myself being with, and I do want to be with her. But then something or someone always drags me back to reality and everything comes rushing back about what it's like, what it means to be in a relationship with Tegan, and I can't help but run and take the easy way out.

"I would very much like it if you kissed me now." She says, doing that something that will bring me back to reality.

"I know you would." I chuckle.

"Do you not like me now that i'm damaged?" She questions after I make no move to kiss her.

She looks down to our hands, looking back and forth between hers that's covered with chords and hospital bands, and my bare, healthy one. I gently grab her chin with my other hand and tear her gaze away from our hands, and into my eyes.

"You aren't damaged and no, that's not it."

"Is it Emy?"

I shrug and look away, and she knows that means yes.

"I don't know what you see in her." She says under her breath and I can hear the annoyance it's laced with.

"I don't know what you see in me." I say back just as quietly.

"I could tell you." She offers. She means to be sweet with the offer, but no good could come out of her telling me.

"That's alright." I shake my head, and we fall silent again.

"Look." She says minutes later, nodding to the merging pink, orange, and yellow colors of the setting sun outside her window.

"It's pretty, isn't it?"

She nods, then turns to me and asks "Where are we again?"

"Montreal." I tell her with a frown.

"Oh." She scrunches her nose in detest.

"Do you remember why you're here?" I ask, praying that she hasn't forgotten all that I told her. I don't think I could go through that again.

"For you," she mutters, then turns her head slowly to look back out the window. "But I failed."

"Does that mean you're giving up?" I begin to feel my mood plummet.

"Do you want me to give up?" She asks sadly. She sounds so broken.

"I don't know." I say, but I do know. I'm selfish and I don't want her to give up. I want her to fight and break down the walls i've built up.

"Then I won't give up. You will be mine, Sasa, you will be mine." She giggles evilly.

I laugh with her, admiring her humor and that she's still optimistic enough that I will be her's again.

She stops laughing, and her face turns serious.

"I remember, you know. I remember what you told me before the accident, and I wasn't running from you or the situation, I just really needed to clear my head. I know it doesn't make much difference, but I really am sorry."

"We don't have to talk about that now." I would even be okay with not talking about it ever, but it still feels unresolved and I know we'll have to eventually.

"Okay." She agrees.

"I'm glad you're okay. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't recovered. Please remember that too."

"Don't worry, I won't forget that."

A nurse pokes her head in to tell me that I only have about ten more minutes until I need to head out for the night. I smile and let her know i'll be on my way out. Tegan frowns and grips my hand tighter, not wanting me to go. I turn back to Tegan and unwrap her hand from my own.

"In a week when they move you into a different room, we'll have a sleepover, 'kay?"

"Promise?" She beams, turning her frown into a smile.

"Promise." I slide off her bed and straighten her blankets out, tucking her in as best I can. I head over to the chair in the corner to grab my bag.

"Will you be back tomorrow?"

"If you'd like me to."

"Yes please." She replies. She looks down and starts to play around with the sheets covering her bottom half, then peeks up at me. "May I kiss you before you go?"

I press my lips together in a tight line. She has to know i'm going to deny her, but perhaps she's trying to make me feel guilty. I wouldn't put it past her to do such a thing. She juts her bottom lip out and widens her eyes, just daring me to say no to that face.

"Only on the cheek." I groan and walk back up to her bed.

She smiles radiantly as I lean into her face, turning my head away enough so there's no chance of her kissing me elsewhere. She leans forward, pressing her soft lips against my cheek sweetly. I know she can feel my skin heating up from blushing and she pulls away with a smug grin.

I quickly straighten up, reposition my bag on my shoulder, and head for the door.

"Love you." She calls quietly to my retreating figure.

I stop in the doorway, turning my head to the side but not enough to look her in the eye.

"Love you too, Tegan." I say back before walking away.

I walk out of the hospital entrance and quickly text Emy, telling her to come pick me up. I sit down on the bench, thinking about how the day really couldn't have been too much better than it was. Tegan's definitely still herself, but I can tell there's something different about her. It has something to do with the way she speaks. I can't quite put my finger on it but it seems more matter-of-fact, and softer, but still has that cheekiness to it she's always had.

I look up to the stars in the night sky, hoping that's the only difference in her i'll be able to find.


	19. Ups and Downs

**A/N:** Thank you all for the reviews on the last chapter! I think that was the most a single chapter has received so far, and I really appreciate and enjoy reading your thoughts. :)

Also, that awkward moment when you're annoyed by your own characters and just wish they would get their shit together.

* * *

**Sara's POV**

"Can't you find a nurse to help you or something?" Emy asks with nerves. Her hands are full of balloons and gift bags from family and Tegan's coworkers.

"Emy, it's fine. She's fine, she looks normal. There's nothing to be worried about." I assure her.

I peer over the gift basket and large bouquet of flowers in my hand. I round the corner and into the hall that Tegan's new room is in, her backpack slung over my shoulders and knocking into the wall each time I lose sight of where I'm going.

One of Tegan's nurses i've gotten familiar with over the weeks spots me coming and rushes to open Tegan's door for me.

"Thanks!" I sigh in relief. I set down the gifts on the table and start grabbing the ones Emy's holding and set them down too.

I turn around to see Tegan sitting at the window seat, staring up at the clouds and the snowflakes falling from them. She's dressed in hospital sweatpants and a gown that reveals almost all of her pale, smooth back, including her adorable back dimples. She'll be pleased to know I have her t-shirts so she can at least stop wearing the gown, but the sweatpants have to stay for now. I step closer and wonder why she's not acknowledging us. We certainly made enough noise coming in. I notice her foot bouncing slowly up and down and then the ipod I brought her a few days ago clutched between her fingers.

I slowly step into her point of view, praying that I don't scare her. She smiles and removes her headphones before looking at me.

"Hey you." She says cheerfully, looking to me. She spots the other figure in the room and turns to see who it is. "Oh. Hi Emy," she says with much less enthusiasm.

"Hi Tegan. How are you feeling?" Emy asks politely.

"Alright, I suppose." She replies. She faces back towards the window and struggles to wrap her headphones around her ipod, with the use of only one fully functioning hand. She grunts in frustration and gives up, mashing the cord together in a jumbled mess and leaving the electronic on the cushion.

"We've come bearing gifts." I say and she turns her focus back to us.

She eyes the table, and her faces brightens with glee.

"Ohh, candy!" She gushes and moves as fast as she can, rolling her IV stand with her, to the table full of goodies for her. She pulls on the ribbon holding the plastic around the basket closed, undoing it, and drops it to the floor. She goes straight for the reeses pieces and hands me the box, knowing they'll get to her mouth faster if she has me open them.

"Are you allowed to eat something like this yet?" I turn the box over and over in my hands, rattling the small chocolate candy.

"Uhh I don't know but I don't really care so if you aren't going to open them, give them back, i'll use my teeth to rip the box open if I have to." She holds her hand open, and taps her foot while eyeing the box hungrily.

I sigh and open the box for her, handing it over. She grabs it greedily and lifts the box to her mouth, tilts her head back, and pours more than a mouthful into her wide open mouth. She closes her eyes and hums in delight while she chews obnoxiously.

"Is she going to cream herself?" Emy whispers in horror.

I let out a loud cackle at her comment and my hand flies to my mouth, silencing it.

Tegan's eyes pop open and she turns to us, swallowing loudly.

"Oh, where are my manners? Do you guys want some?" She holds the box out at arms length, offering us the chocolate.

Emy and I both shake our heads, declining.

"Suit yourself." She mutters, pouring another handful into her mouth. She sets the box down to rummage through the rest of the goodies in the basket. It's filled with a variety of different chocolates, candy bars, suckers, and a small teddy bear. She goes for a caramel apple sucker and rips the wrapper off, and shoves it into her mouth, sucking on it.

Emy's phone starts to ring, interrupting the weird silence that was beginning to coat itself around the room. I turn to scold her for not turning her phone off when we got here but she's too quick to answering. She steps out of the room and pokes her head back in a few minutes later. Both Tegan and I tear our focus away from the presents in her gift bags, and direct it towards Emy. She looks between our faces only inches apart, giving us a weird look as she tries to figure out what makes us not so identical before speaking.

"One of my deadlines got pushed up so I really need to get back to work. It was nice to see you back on your feet, Tegan." She smiles at her, then looks to me. "Walk me out, babe?" She turns around and starts to head down the hall.

"Gross." Tegan mutters, sticking her finger in her mouth and pretending to gag.

I shoot her a glare and she just smiles sweetly, returning to her gifts. I follow Emy out, walking her to her car, and give her a quick goodbye kiss.

When I return, a young nurse is just finishing helping Tegan get one of her own shirts on. I guess she really didn't have the patience to wear a gown anymore considering I was only gone about five minutes. They don't hear me come in so I stand in the corner, just off from the doorway, watching their interaction.

"Here, have some booty." Tegan flashes her a crooked a smile and winks, flipping a chocolate coin she pulled out from her gift basket into the air.

"Thanks." The nurse giggles, catching it, and turns on her heel, walking out of the room without even noticing me while she stares at the piece of chocolate in her fingers.

Tegan scans her eyes up and down the girl as she walks out with a small smirk playing at her lips.

"Player." I comment and she flicks her gaze over to me, checking me out as well.

"Jealous?" She raises an eyebrow.

I just smile, shake my head, and walk over to the gift basket to pull out a sucker for myself.

"You know, when we get back together I think I want you to role play as a nurse. Scrubs are oddly sexy on the right person." She says, her eyes glazing over with desire.

"You're such a pig." I scoff, biting at the caramel on my sucker, "and you know I don't role play. That shit weirds me out."

"Oh come on, don't you want to nurse your big sister back to health? I think i'm over due for a physical anyway." She teases.

"Ugh, stop." I groan.

I bend my elbow, holding the sucker out to my side. Tegan shuffles her way over to me, and grabs my wrist. She watches me as she sticks her tongue out seductively, running it slowly over the candy.

"Am I getting you all hot and bothered?" She whispers in my ear, her lips oh-so-close to grazing my skin.

A shudder runs down my spine, but I manage to control my composure and push on her stomach, forcing her to step back. "Yeah, actually. Does that make you feel good? Knowing I want you but you can't lay a finger on me?"

She ponders it for a while, her facing screwing up in concentration and then falling in disappointment knowing I'm right. "Well no, not really."

"Then stop." I say seriously.

She stops and carries on like nothing ever happened, rummaging through more of her gifts.

That's the great thing about Tegan and I's dynamic is that no matter what the other says or does, our negative feelings never stay when it comes to interactions like the one we just had. We move on, and go back to normal like a snap of the fingers.

"So what time do you have therapy today?" I question, chomping the rest of my sucker off the stick.

"I think at three. Do you want to come? I have to do upper body exercises today." She says with mock excitement.

"Yeah, of course. Sounds like loads of fun." I laugh and nudge her gently in the elbow.

She rolls her eyes. "You can push my wheelchair if you want."

"Okay." I giggle at picturing her crabby and slouched over in the wheelchair with a pout because she, as Tegan put it, "is certainly capable of putting one foot in front of the other, thank you very much."

She sighs with annoyance because she hates having to ride in it. She's capable of standing and walking around her room on her own just fine but her balance is still a little off when she tries to go for longer distances, not that she would admit any of that.

We continue talking until about quarter to three when the nurse from earlier comes in wheeling a wheelchair. She helps Tegan get settled into the chair, her IV stand next to her, having to come along for the ride. Tegan tells her I'm going to push her today and the two of us make our way through the halls, Tegan expertly telling me where I need to go. I turn the last corner and we arrive in a mini gym, of sorts. There are wrestling-type mats covering the floors with multiple bins and racks filled with therapeutic sports equipment spread throughout the room.

A minute later a tall, handsome man dressed in a plain red shirt, and black athletic shorts enters the room and he smiles when his eyes land on Tegan. "Good afternoon, Tegan. How are you feeling today?"

"A little tired, but good." She smiles back then gestures to me, still standing behind the wheelchair. "This is my sister Sara. She needs therapy too."

"Really? I never would have guessed." He chuckles at our extreme resemblance. "It's nice to meet you, Sara. I'm Joe, Tegan's physical therapist."

"Hi Joe. It's nice to meet you as well." I respond politely.

"Are you here just to watch or do you want to join in and help?" He asks.

"She'll help." Tegan answers for me.

"Alright. We're just doing simple arm exercises today." He moves over to one of the bins and pulls out a rubber ball, like the ones used to play dodgeball, and hands it to Tegan. "Just pass it back and forth. Tegan, I want you to bend your arms out and push it straight from your chest. Sara if you could bounce it, that would be great, since Tegan will have a hard time catching and gripping it with her cast in the way."

I nod, and Tegan passes me the ball. We pass it back and forth a few times, and even though it seems like such a simple exercise, it's wearing Tegan out quickly from her body not used to moving so much in almost two months. I can tell she's getting frustrated and embarrassed, hating that I'm seeing her so physically weak when she was always the stronger one. She lets out a grunt as she passes it to me with all her might.

I bounce it back to her and she catches it, but stumbles backwards. Joe rushes up behind her and grabs her by the waist with his large hands, steadying her. She leans back into his touch and regains her footing.

"You okay?" He asks gently, looking down at her, her head only reaching up to his chest.

She turns her head, and looks up to Joe, her cheek rubbing against his chest. "Yeah, I'm great. Thanks."

He gives her a flirtatious smile and she returns it before he slides his hands off her waist, letting his fingers linger for much longer than they need to. He bounces the ball back over to me.

She straightens up and turns back to me, showing me snarky grin before rubbing her hands together and holding them out in position to catch the ball.

Frustration and jealousy set in, and I grind my teeth together. I swear her smile grows at reading my body language and I throw the ball at her much harder than I need to, without bouncing it. It hits her square in the stomach and she doubles over, clutching her stomach. I feel satisfied for only a fraction of a second before Joe rushes to Tegan and grabs her before she falls over. He helps her stand up then looks at me.

"We're trying to help Tegan get better, not have her stay here longer. Not so hard next time, okay Sara?" He says tenderly, still holding onto Tegan's shoulder.

"Yeah, Sara." Tegan adds in a catty tone.

"Sorry." I say, but I'm not. I want to walk up to Tegan and wipe that look off her face with a slap. Just because I was with Emy didn't mean I went around with my hand shoved down her pants whenever Tegan, or anyone else for that matter, was around. I was respectful of not flaunting my relationship in her face, and she could at least do the same and not flirt with other people, especially men, right in front me.

Tegan and Joe exchange some words and he helps her over to her wheelchair. He pulls a stress ball, made to look like a skull, out of his small duffel bag and hands it to her, telling her it'll help get her hand back into movement so she can have an easier time using it. She takes it and sets it in her lap, then pulls out a chocolate coin from her pocket and hands it to him.

"This is for being such a big help today." She smiles.

"You're too kind." He chuckles and heads out the door, finally leaving me alone with Tegan.

"You know you're a lesbian, right?" I snap at her as I push her down the hall, back to her room. I'm tempted to run her right into the wall.

"Yeah, so?" She says nonchalantly, squeezing the stress ball in her hand.

"So what the hell was that?" I fume. I'm not sure if I would be more or less upset knowing she was just trying to agitate me, and not seriously flirting with that guy. After what I had gone through, I don't know what I would do if Tegan fell in love with a man and I had to be around to witness it.

"Oh, Joe? I was just trying to make you jealous. I'm glad to see it clearly worked." She says smugly.

"You are insufferable!" I hiss.

"And you're a heartbreaking tease." She spits back, then sighs, her shoulders hunched. "You say you want me, you let me flirt with you, and you flirt back but just as it all starts to feel good again, you push me away, Sara. I don't understand why. I don't understand why you're with Emy. I don't understand why you continue to hurt me. I don't understand why you continue to hurt yourself. I. Don't. Understand. So just let me have this, please? It makes me feel better that it gets you all riled up and I can make you feel just how you make me feel."

I don't respond, and we don't talk the rest of the way to her room. I wouldn't even know what to say if I was forced to speak. Am I really that apathetic that I can't imagine what this must be like for Tegan? No, I can imagine it. I just choose not to because I know it's horribly painful.

We wheel into her room, she gets up out of the wheelchair and heads straight for her bed, climbing onto it and lying face down, her head buried into a pillow. When I come back, she's flipped over and just staring at the ceiling. I plop down next to her. She lets out a quiet sob and I turn to look at her, seeing the tear slide down her face just before she wipes it away. I quickly sit up and rest my hand on her shoulder, the other wiping another tear that's just escaped from her closed eye.

"Hey, what's wrong? Does something hurt?" I ask with concern.

"No, no, I'm fine." She sniffles.

"Then why are you crying?" I ask, confused.

"It's stupid. Just forget about it." She shakes my hand off her and sits up, attempting to smile.

"That's not true. Tell me."

She bites her lip, contemplating whether or not to tell me.

"It's just that.. I don't want to be here. I don't want to have to take time to recover, I want to be back to how I was, now. I don't want you to have to come here every day and waste your time with me just because I don't have any other friends when you'd rather be with Emy. I want to be normal again and I want to go home. I'm sorry for being obnoxious and trying to make you jealous."

"Well hey, at least you succeeded. I was about ready to sock you in the face." I say lightly, trying to make a joke out of the situation to cheer her up.

"Good, because I wanted to barf every time Joe touched me." She wipes her nose with a small chuckle, then squares her shoulders, moving on from our discussion. "Can we watch something on the TV? I'm pooped out for the day."

"Yeah, sure." I say, thankful that she's the one to drop the conversation. I glance at the clock, noticing it's only seven in the evening.

I grab the Dog, The Bounty Hunter DVD one of her coworkers sent and hold it up so she can see. She nods her head excitedly in approval and I pop the disc in the player. I grab the remote and return to her bed, which is significantly more comfortable, and slightly bigger, since she was moved into a different room out of the ICU, and sit down next to her.

I pull the blankets up to cover our waists and she takes my hand in hers, letting them rest in the empty space between our thighs. I know she's not trying to be sneaky or make a move on me, and that she wants to hold it out of comfort, so I let her.

We only make it through two episodes when she starts to doze off, her head falling forward than snapping back up every few minutes. Sometime during the third episode, she fell asleep completely and managed to curl into me without me noticing. The top of her head is in the crook of my neck and her cast wrapped arm is resting across my stomach with the rest of her body molded perfectly into my side.

I watch one more episode before my head droops down to rest on hers, my hand holding her fingers that peek out from her cast, and I comfortable fall asleep with her.


	20. This Isn't Home

**Tegan's POV**

I'm being released from the hospital today. As glad as I am to be leaving, i'm dreading having to stay with Sara and Emy until i'm completely healed up and am able to fly back home.

I don't know what it's going to be like having to witness Sara be romantic with another person, but I can't imagine it will be pleasant. When I first flew out here and started hanging out with Sara, she always made sure Emy wasn't around, but it can't be like that now. I couldn't ask Sara to send her girlfriend away while I was there, no matter how badly I wanted to.

On the bright side, at least I can go back to wearing normal clothes again. I guess you know your life sucks when the prospect of wearing a bra every day brings you joy.

Sara enters the room, helping me gather all of my presents and backpack. After I sign out and say goodbye to the nurses and doctors, we head out to Emy's car. I don't even have the luxury of riding to her house with just her since Emy is the only with a license and car. Sara sits in the back with me on the way to her house, but none of us say anything since none of us are fond of this whole arrangement.

We pull into the driveway and I grab my backpack. Emy says she'll get the rest and I follow Sara up to her front door. When I get onto the porch, a nauseating rush washes over me and my head is filled with flashbacks of that night. Of every word that was said and every action that was taken. I latch onto the back of Sara's sweater and she freezes in mid-step.

"Tegan?" She asks quietly, not daring to move a muscle.

"Just don't move for a second." I breathe out.

When the feeling passes, I let go of Sara and she turns around. "What was that?"

"I'm guessing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Dr. Camden said things like that would happen." I wipe the accumulated sweat off my forehead.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Let's just go inside."

She nods and takes my hand, leading me inside and to one of the spare bedrooms upstairs, across the hall from her own room. She opens the door. I look around the small room. The decor is simple; light beige walls with abstract wall art and a twin sized bed with army green bedding. There's a dresser, small desk with a macbook and printer, and all across the room there are sketchbooks, pencils, markers, and other various art supplies strewn about.

"Seriously?!" Sara hisses, taking in the state of the room, and marches past me out of the room, to the landing. "Hey Emy!" She yells down the stairs.

Emy appears at the bottom of the staircase a second later. "What?"

"I thought I asked you to clean your stuff out of that room before Tegan got here?" She taps her hand against the wall, clearly annoyed.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot, i'll just do it tomorrow. It's not a big deal, babe." She waves her hand in the air, blowing it off.

"Uhm, it is a big deal, _babe_. I want Tegan to be comfortable and I don't think staying in a room with your art shit sprawled out everywhere exactly screams comfort. I asked you to do this how many weeks ago?" She all but flat out yells, her voice reverberating against the high ceiling.

I watch the interaction hidden in the background, feeling myself fill with glee as they start to argue. Maybe this stay wouldn't be so bad after all.

"Whatever, Sara."

"No, not whatever, Emy. I don't care if you do live here 90% percent of the time, this is still my house. If I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it. But since it's not a big deal to you if the room is a mess or not, you can sleep in there tonight. Or you can go back to your apartment, I don't care! It's not a big deal!" I swear I can see the steam rising off of Sara. I feel like I should have popcorn with me to witness such entertainment. Are they going to break up and i'm going to see it all happen? I could only be so lucky.

She doesn't give Emy the chance to retaliate. She grabs my hand and stomps off into her bedroom, dragging me with her.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I asked her to do one simple thing to help make you feel at home when you got here and she couldn't even do that." She wrings her hands together with frustration.

As much as I enjoyed having them argue, and having something they can add to the list of reasons to their inevitable break up, I don't like to see Sara upset. I had never seen her get angry like that, and I'm glad it wasn't directed at me.

"It's okay Sara. I can still sleep in there, I don't mind."

"Absolutely not. You're sleeping in here with me, this bed is comfier anyway." Her words come out forceful. I don't dare try to reason with her.

"Are you tired now, or did you wanna do something?" She continues.

"I think i'll just go to bed. It's kind of late anyway. Could you, er, help me with my pajamas?" I ask with embarrassment.

"Yeah, of course." Her features start to soften.

She helps me get my backpack off and unzips it, pulling out my clothes until I settle on what I want to wear to bed; a tank top and shorts. I stand with my back to her as she guides my t-shirt off my stomach and over my arms. She unhooks my bra for me, the straps falling carelessly down my shoulders, and I pull it off, letting it drop to the floor on top of my shirt.

Though Sara has seen me topless countless times, I put an arm across my chest anyway while she reaches for my tank top. She runs a finger down my boney spine, causing me to noticeably shiver.

"You're going to have to start eating more. You lost a lot of weight." She mentions, noticing the lack of muscle, and fat, on my bones.

"I know. I couldn't stand that hospital food though." I grimace.

"It wasn't that bad."

"Says the girl who only ate off the dessert menu. You'll cook me good stuff here, won't you?" I ask with hope. Sara never cooked regularly when we were together, but whenever she did, it always turned out delicious.

"Sure, whatever you want." She laughs.

"Cool. When do you have to go back to work?" I lift my arms, helping her as much as I can to fit my cast through the small armhole. She pulls the fabric down, covering my stomach and I turn around. I'm hopeless when it comes to belts and buttons, and I stand awkwardly while she undoes them and lets them fall to the ground. I step out of them and into my shorts.

"Monday." She says, pulling the silky material up my legs, and tugging the string to tighten them around my waist.

"What day is it now?" I ask. I've been having trouble remembering small things like that, but the doctor said it was normal and it won't be an issue in a few months.

"Thursday."

"Right." I mumble. I look at all the fluffy blue blankets on the bed, then back to Sara. "Are they clean?"

"Uhm, yeah." She says uncomfortably.

I jump onto the bed, snuggling into the right side.

"That's my side." She says with a smile.

"I know. It smells like you." I bury my nose deep into a pillow, inhaling her scent. I feel like I'm getting lost in a field of strawberries. I grab her other pillow and hug it to my body. She watches me from her position a few feet away. "Aren't you coming to bed?"

"In a bit. I'm going to go try fix things up with Emy."

I grunt and give her a sour look, turning over away from her. I felt like she was trying to stay with Emy as long as she possibly could, just for the sole purpose of torturing me.

I hear her sigh and start to walk towards the door. She stops, sighing again. "I'm glad you're home, Tegan."

Home? This wasn't home. Vancouver was home. Sara used to be, but not anymore.

I listen to the faint sounds of her descending the stairs, then the yelling starts back up. I feel like a kid left to lie in their bed, dealing with the pain of having to hear their parents throw hateful words at each other.

I fall asleep to the sounds of their muffled shouting, not making it long enough to hear those shouts turn into giggles and moans.


	21. Think With Your Heart

**A/N: **Please excuse this bipolar chapter.

* * *

**Sara's POV**

For the first time in over two months, I wake up peacefully. I smile sleepily, snuggling back into the warmth of the body behind me. The grip they have around my stomach tightens, and I slowly open my eyes. I'm expected to be met with Emy's tan arm, but instead find myself staring at a hot pink cast. I lightly trace my finger over my slowly fading nickname written on it.

"Tegan?" I call to the air.

She makes some shuffling movements, removing her arm from around me. "Sorry."

"Don't be." I tell her quietly. I roll over to be met with her face only inches from mine. I can feel her breath on my face.

"Did you sleep well?" She asks.

I nod, smiling. "I forgot what it was like to sleep with you next to me."

"It's nice, isn't it?" She returns my smile, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. She licks her lips and her gaze falls to my own.

As if in slow motion, she moves her head forward, bringing our lips closer by the second. Just as her lips are about to meet mine, I pull away.

"No, Tegan." I say in hushed tone, my words grazing her mouth.

She groans and falls onto her back. "Do you get some sort of sick pleasure out of torturing me like this? God, Sara!"

"I have a girlfriend." I remind her, yet again.

"I don't care! Break up with her!" She whines. Her fist balls up in anger, her knuckles turning white.

"I love her."

"Not like you love me." She pouts, and I feel guilty. So guilty.

"Maybe so, but every time I touch you or get close to you, all I can think about is what I went through because of my love for you."

"Was it really that bad?" She whispers.

I know she's been dreading having this talk, but it's been avoided long enough. She needs to know I'm not trying to be the bad guy in this situation.

I sit up and face her, hugging my knees to my chest. She sits up too, and the sunlight beaming in through the window hits her face in the most mesmerizing way. Her chocolatey eyes are almost a shimmering gold. They're so sad, but hopeful. I can't stand to look into them for too long, it hurts too much.

"It was awful... " I start, opting to stare at my hands. The same hands that were all over Emy just hours ago. "It's stupid but if I'm even in the same room as a sex toy meant for penetration, I have a panic attack. After almost 4 years, that's still how bad it is. So even if we got back together, you wouldn't enjoy the sex." I laugh awkwardly, hoping an attempt at humor will lighten the situation.

She gives me a bizarre look, then shakes her head. "If you told me we would never have sex, I would still be with you. But that's not the issue here, Sar. I remember you said you were okay, but are you really? I know that whole incident is why you won't be with me. If we can work it out, and I can help, I want to. I do have one question about the toy thing though."

I finally look back into her eyes, letting her know I'm listening.

"Is it just a trauma thing, or can you physical not handle having that done? I can't imagine you're body was well prepared for such a thing. Did they cause serious damage? I know you got pregnant, but can you still safely conceive and have kids?"

"I think it's mostly just trauma. Emy's the only one i've been with besides you and we haven't tried.. anything so I don't really know what it feels like. When I had the.. had the abortion," I say quickly, the words leaving a bad taste in my mouth, "the doctor instantly knew. I didn't have to tell her. She said there was some tearing and bruising, but no permanent damage, thankfully. She asked if I wanted to talk to someone about filing a police report or getting counseling but I couldn't do it. Back then, I felt like I deserved everything that happened."

"You didn't. No one deserves that." She lays a gentle hand on my knee to comfort me, but she looks closer to tears than I do. "Do you ever regret not having the baby?"

I shake my head. "Maybe for like a week after, but I knew there was no way I could raise a child. I let myself fantasize the idea of raising the baby with you only once. If it would have been a girl, I would have named her Rain, after you, whether you liked it or not." I chuckle briefly, thinking of what that life would have been like, then my mood turns somber again. "But if it had been a boy... I couldn't fathom the idea of him turning out like his father, whoever that may be. I really don't think I could have brought myself to love him, Tegan. God, what kind of person even says that?!" I let out a loud sob, and she doesn't even hesitate to take me into her arms. I wrap my arms and legs around her whole body, like a toddler latching onto one of their parents legs.

"Shh, Sara it's okay. You never did anything wrong,_ we _never did anything wrong. All we did was love each other. Those guys who did all of this to you, to us, were in the wrong. They're the fucked up ones. Do you understand me?" She soothes, running her hand up and down my back in a repetitive motion and her other fingers playing with the outgrown hairs on the back of my neck. My brain won't calm down but her touch instantly calms my body.

"I don't think I do, Tegan. I've gotten so used to being able to hold my partner's hand in public, or kiss her if I want and I love being able to do that. I love that feeling of being free; of not having to hide. If we were to get back together, I would be so paranoid the whole time. I don't think I could love you properly, like I used to. I just want to be normal." I choke out between cries, her tank top getting soaked with my tears.

I finally allow myself to cry the tears I've kept bottled up for years. I cry for the relationship Tegan and I used to have, my lost child, the years we were apart, and for the tangled mess of a relationship that we have now. I cling onto her and cry until there are no more tears left to cry.

"Do you feel better now?" She asks once I pull myself away from her. Her own puffy red eyes search my face, and I'm sure I'm quite the sight.

"Yeah, actually. Thank you." I wipe the slowly drying tear streaks off my face with my fists.

"No problem." She smiles warmly, her eyes still glued to my face. "This may sound weird, but you're kind of really beautiful when you've been crying. I've never seen you so emotional. It was kind of refreshing, I guess."

"I think that's a good sign. If I can let it all out, maybe I won't be so scared."

"I've spent a lot of nights fantasizing about us getting back together, and how it would all play out." She turns her head, staring out the window before going on. "I never imagined it would be so difficult, and I feel like I still have a long ways to go to get you. The finish line isn't even in sight yet."

"I think things will work out in your favor. Time just isn't on your side right now though." I tell her.

"Are you even on my side?" She says through clenched teeth. She's not angry, just frustrated.

"Of course I am, but I need to do what feels right. Dropping my life to be with you doesn't feel like the right thing to do right now. We've only been back in each other's lives for a few months now, and I think we have to kind of get to know each other again. I'm not the same person I was, and I don't think you are either."

"I thought twins were supposed to understand each other. I don't get you at all." She sighs and falls back against the mattress, giving 's only morning and I've already knocked all the fight she had in her for the day out.

"I'm sorry." I place a gentle hand on her knee, the hair there now soft and not prickly due to two months of not shaving. "Why don't we get ready for the day and we'll spend it together? We can see a movie or go shopping. We won't talk, or even think, about us as more than sisters just hanging out, okay? We'll be normal, and it'll be good for us."

"No Emy? And I can get the big bucket of popcorn? With extra butter?" She mutters against my pillow, trying to hide her excitement.

I nod, giving her knee a squeeze. I shouldn't use it to my advantage but it was just so easy to cheer her up with the prospect of food and a day with me.

"Like our first date!" She squeals and sits up a little too fast. Her arms press down into the mattress to steady herself, then she flings herself out of bed as fast as her body will let her. "Will you help me wrap my arm? I can't get it wet in the shower."

"Of course." I smile, and follow her into the bathroom. I don't have the heart to tell her the day won't end like our first date did.

I help Tegan out of her clothes and slide the plastic bag up her arm, squeeze all the air out, and tape it shut. She's too excited to even care that she's completely nude around me while I'm still dressed. Thankfully she's also too excited to notice me check out her backside as she steps into the shower. How long was I going to let my fears hold me back from that cute butt being mine? I envied Tegan being able to think with her heart, not her brain.

I sit on the counter and wait, just incase she loses her balance or something, and needs help. Not even a minute passes by before there's a loud thunk from her dropping a bottle and then a loud angry groan.

"Sara?" She calls, checking to see if I'm still in here.

"Yeah?"

"Can you, uhm, can you just wash me? It's too hard with only one hand."

"Okay."

She shuts the water off, throws the shower curtain open and plops down on the floor of the tub. The excitement gone, she hugs her knees to her chest to hide as much of her bare self as she can. I fill the tub with water and unlatch the removable shower head to wet her hair. She grumbles the entire time about this not being fair and that I should be naked too while I shampoo and condition her hair. I grab a clean rag out of the closet and squeeze body wash onto it, beginning to rub circles across her back, the suds filling the tub with bubbles.

"Stand up." I instruct.

She complies and I wash her arms, moving across her prominent collar bones and down to her chest. She blushes as her nipples harden under my touch, and I try my best to act like it's no big deal. I quickly move down to her stomach and then her feet, washing up her legs that she squeezes together as tight as she can.

"Tegan." I tap her leg, waiting for her to spread them.

"I have reached the lowest of lows." She mumbles as she spreads her feet apart.

"It's nothing I haven't seen, or done, before." I wash between her legs then drop the rag to the bottom of the tub.

"That was in a completely different context though. This is just embarrassing." She groans as I rinse her off and hold a towel out for her to walk into. I dry her off and lead her back into the bedroom, letting her pick out an outfit.

"Well break my arm and you can wash me." I joke.

"I'm not above doing that." She deadpans, and we both giggle, allowing the mood to lighten.

We work together effortlessly getting her dressed for a fresh start to a hopefully enjoyable day. And as abnormal as things are right now, it feels comfortable and strangely, somehow normal.


	22. Les Etoiles, Ma Cherie

**Tegan's POV**

The past few days have gone by swimmingly. Sara and I have spent a lot of our time together, and we've been careful to avoid any talk of us getting back together as well as her and Emy's status.

Our relationship has progressed more in only days than it has months. Perhaps avoiding those topics was what we have been needing to do all along. We've become more natural around each other, and it really almost feels like we are in the beginning stages of dating. Where things are still kind of awkward, but you share those special glances and have a great time. Things are still innocent and we have no physical relationship, well we do, just not as physical as I would like but I know better than to stick my foot in my mouth and complain about it.

Even yesterday, as Sara was helping me shower since I still have to keep the cast on for a few more days, I managed to convince her to, shower with me. Well, somewhat. She wouldn't let me help wash her and kicked me out once I was clean to stand freezing on the rug while I waited for her to finish, but I still got to see her naked. I had forgotten how beautiful she was I almost fainted when I saw her. It wasn't even that it made me horny and I wanted to have sex with her, I just wanted to relearn her body with my hands and lips. But after she stepped out of the shower, I could tell right away she regretted her actions and told me to never speak of it again because she felt like she had cheated. I didn't feel bad, however. I couldn't picture myself as the 'other woman' because Sara belonged to me first, but I respected her wishes and sealed my lips.

Then the night before last, I texted her around midnight telling her I was having trouble sleeping. I would have just gone to her room across the hall but I didn't want to risk anything with Emy being in there. She crept into my room a couple minutes later and I began pouting right away, telling her I had a bad dream and that I would sleep better with her there. I know she knew I was just using my PTSD to my advantage but she crawled into the small bed with me and I spooned her until I fell asleep. When I woke up, she was gone, but I didn't mind. I'll take what I can get.

I'm optimistic that today will also be great. It's Sunday, so Sara has to head back to work tomorrow and I'm hoping we'll spend the day together since i'll be left to spend my days alone in the house with Emy until I decide, and am ready, to go back to Vancouver.

But as I make my way down the stairs, my optimism wanes. The sounds of two people giggling gets louder and louder as I descend. I stop on the last step and peek my head out, spying on them in the kitchen.

Sara's standing in front of the stove, spatula in hand. She's dressed in an oversized black top and skin tight polka dot leggings. She's so cute, it hurts. She even has the necklace with our ring on it on the outside of her top, instead of tucked away and hidden. I wonder what Emy thinks that ring means. She flips whatever it is she's making over in the pan, her smile or laugh never fading.

Emy has her arms wrapped around Sara, swaying their bodies back and forth. I guess I can understand how Sara would naturally feel protected around her. Emy's fit but if Sara stood behind her, you wouldn't be able to see her at all. But just because she has height on me, doesn't mean she can protect Sara any better than I can. Once my body's capable of it, I'm going to work out twice as much as I did before. I'll pummel any asshole, man or woman, into the ground if they even look at Sara in a way I don't approve of. My job as her girlfriend, and even as just her sister, is to protect her. I won't let her down again.

Emy moves one of her hands lower then snakes it back up under Sara's shirt. With her other hand, she holds Sara's cheek to turn her head and pull her into a kiss. As I watch in rage and disgust, I wish I had a puke bucket instead of popcorn this time.

Sara pulls away and directs her focus back to the pan. "If you keep distracting me like that, i'll burn Tegan's breakfast." She giggles.

"Can't she cook her own food?" Emy whines, snaking her other hand up Sara's shirt.

"She's injured, so no! If I let her fend for herself she'll just eat take out. She needs healthy food to get her strength back. She's too skinny." She turns the burner off and turns to face Emy, poking her in the chest with the spatula. "And if you keep complaining, i'll make you cook for her while i'm at work _and_ you won't get any sex."

"I barely get any as it is." She grumbles, and just like that my mood is lifted.

I knew Sara would be leery about getting it on with me in the house, but were things bad before I got here? After what she had told me about her issue with penetration, I can't imagine their sex being very thrilling or imaginative. Not that penetration was needed all the time to have enjoyable sex, but to never have it? It makes me worry for Sara and I's potential future. I fully understand why she would be hesitant about it, but it's hard for me to picture her like that. I liked a sub Sara, but I also liked to be the one to put her in that position. We often competed for dominance but once I got her pinned down, she loved being on the receiving end, and I loved watching her love it.

Sara makes her way over to the cupboards to pull down a plate. She spots me on the stairwell and stops, turning a bright red knowing that I heard, if not all, then at least some of their conversation.

"Morning Sara!" I greet her cheerfully walking into the kitchen, and I even feel nice enough to greet Emy. "Morning Emy!"

"Hi Tee. I made you breakfast." Sara smiles, and places the crepes she had been making on a plate for me. "Strawberries or blueberries?"

"Strawberries, please." I take a seat at the counter.

Sara scoops the fresh fruit on the crepes and places the plate in front of me along with a glass of chocolate milk, a small bowl of yogurt, sausages, and a can of whip cream.

I instantly go for the whip cream, spraying a hefty amount on the thin pancakes. I cut off a big piece and shove it into my mouth, my eyes closing as my taste buds enjoy the sweet, delicious flavor.

"A girl could get used to this." I hum between eating a sausage in two bites.

"Well don't." Emy starts in a tone much more snippy than playful, which is what I am sure she was going for. "She'll reel you in with a couple good meals then just stop, leaving you high and dry." She turns on her heel and walks out of the room.

"Ooh, touchy." I say quietly then turn to Sara, looking at her with a wicked smirk. "You would never leave me dry, would ya Sar?"

She rolls her eyes, scoffs at my innuendo and at Emy's sour attitude, and continues moving about the kitchen, cleaning up the mess.

"But seriously, you need to make sure that girl gets laid before you leave me cooped up in this house with her. You can't leave two uptight, horny lesbians in love with the same girl under one roof alone. That's just a recipe for disaster."

"Maybe i'll just have to take you to work with me then." She raises an eyebrow, barely letting one corner of her lips pull into a smile. She grabs my empty glass and walks to the fridge to refill it.

"Wait. Really?" I ask in disbelief. Sara would really let me spend almost all of my time with her willingly?

"We won't be able to talk much, and you can't be a distraction, but I don't see why not."

"Ugh, I could just kiss you right now!" I tell her excitedly, and then I do. When she sets my refilled glass in front of me, I grab her wrist and plant a big sloppy kiss on the back of her hand.

She shyly pulls her hand away, laughing, and there's nothing in her features but pure amusement.

Maybe, just maybe, good things do come to those who wait.

_**The next day...**_

Sara warned me that I would be bored out of my mind all day, but anything seemed better than sitting in her house with Emy and honestly, I haven't found myself feeling bored yet. I brought my computer along and finally got around to e-mailing some coworkers, letting them know what was up with me, and that I couldn't wait to get back to work.

The rest of the time I aimlessly browsed the internet, or just watched Sara do her work. I still don't have a clue as to what she really does at this company, but she's always busy so I'm guessing she's pretty important.

For the past five minutes, I've been staring at Sara, and listening to her talk to someone on the phone in French. I don't have a clue as to what is coming out of her mouth but I could listen to it all day.

"...Pouvez-vous me rappeler d'ici jeudi sans faute? Merci. Au revoir." She finishes, then hangs up the phone.

"Wow. Were you having like phone sex or something? That sounded hot." I say dreamily, resting my chin in my hand with my elbow propped up on her desk.

Her eyes widen, and her eyebrows shoot up then she starts laughing hysterically. I don't know what was so funny, but I join her in her laughter. After she calms down, she wheels over to me and places a warm hand on my cheek. We lock eyes for a brief moment and she grins. I gulp. Is she finally going to kiss me?

She slowly inches forward, bringing our faces closer. I close my eyes in anticipation, feeling her breath on my lips. Then I feel it on my cheek, and then in my ear. She breathes heavily on it, making my skin feel like it's on fire. Her lips graze my skin as she speaks in that oh so perfect accent. "Tu es plus belle que les étoiles, ma cherie."

"Wow." I repeat, my breathing labored. It's, pathetically, the most action I've gotten in months, and I feel like I'm going to burst just from that simple touch.

She's still breathing in my ear and holding my face, and I'm about two seconds away from her throwing everything off her desk and ravishing her.

"What did that mean?" I question.

"It's a secret." She breathes huskily, then pulls away, rolling back to her desk with a smug look on her face.

I stare at her, jaw hanging open and cross my legs, trying to alleviate some of the pressure there. "Well I like secrets, c'mon, tell me!" I beg, rolling myself over to her in my chair, and pulling on the sleeve of her blazer.

"Nope. Now go away, you're distracting me." She says with a straight face, then puts a foot on one of the legs of my chair and pushes me away.

I roll away, spinning as I go. She tries to stifle her giggling, but I catch it, and she's still got that cocky look planted on her face.

Talk about being a fucking tease.


	23. Rebounds

**A/N: **Flashbacks are back! (Yay!) Which means a longer chapter! (Yay!) Thank you all again for the nice reviews/commentary and actually still wanting to read the story as I seem to drag it out as long as possible. I appreciate it! :)

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**Sara's POV**

I didn't want to see Tegan. I didn't want to see her eyes light up when she took one look at my distressed state. I didn't want to hear the multitude of questions she would ask about Emy and her. I didn't want her to think that just because I wasn't with Emy, it automatically meant her and I were together.

I wasn't prepared for it. For any of it. I guess I should have tried a little harder to make things work with Emy to get more used to the idea of Tegan and I, but I didn't. Emy was fed up. She made sure to list all of the reasons why I led her to break up with me.

For starters, I was treating Tegan more like my girlfriend than I was her. I didn't cook for her, watch movies with her, or hang out in public with her like I did with Tegan. I couldn't argue with that. Tegan and I have been flirting like crazy lately, and I was enjoying the time I spent with her more than with Emy. Secondly, she had "needs" that I just wasn't fulfilling. She deserved to be with someone who payed attention to her and acted like they loved her; or someone who would have sex with her constantly. And, well, that was basically it. I told her she was completely right, and that I was sorry. I guess it was the wrong thing to say because she only got angrier and started crying. Then I started crying because now I actually have to face the whole thing with Tegan, thenI had to walk four miles home in the freezing cold in only a thin jacket because I didn't have money on me and I think Emy would have slapped me if I asked for a ride home.

I walk through my front door, only wanting to collapse face first onto my bed for a good cry and nap, alone. I say a silent prayer before stepping into the entryway that Tegan is in the guest bedroom and I can avoid an interrogation.

Luck is not on my side and I see Tegan leaning against the back of the couch, her arms crossed and her chin resting on them, having heard me come in. She eyes me up and down, looking at my beat red hands and face from the cold. "Hey, you're back kinda early."

"Yeah." I try my best to avoid eye contact. I don't want her to see that I've been crying.

"Is everything okay?" She asks with a look of concern.

I don't answer, and make my way towards the stairs. It only takes her seconds to realize what has happened.

"Sara?!" She leaps off the back of the couch and runs towards me, stumbling over her feet and trying to catch her poor balance the entire time. She wraps her fingers around my bicep, and for the first time in my life I'm glad I have more muscle than her.

"Not now." I mutter, exhausted, and jerk away from her grasp, continuing my ascent up the stairs.

She follows closely behind me, apparently not getting that I'm not in the mood. Did her accident fuck up her common sense?

A string of questions leave her mouth at rapid speed until we reach my bedroom door. "You guys broke up? What happened? Who broke up with who? Does this mean we're together now? Am I going to move here or are you gonna come back to Vancouver? Sara?"

I turn around, finally looking her in the eye. She takes a small step back, seeing my distressed state up close.

"Tegan, I said_ not now_. Just leave me alone." I say, trying to be as gentle as I can manage, but still firm in my tone.

She hangs her head, slumps her shoulders, and turns around, walking into her own bedroom. I didn't mean to hurt her, I never do, but yet I seem so very good at doing it often. I hesitate with my own hand on my door handle, tempted to go get her and tell her she can lay with me so long as she doesn't speak, but I don't.

I drag my feet into my room, stripping my clothes of as I go only to replace them with an old baggy hoodie from University and plaid pajama pants. I plop my tired body onto my bed and just let myself cry until I fall asleep.

Hours later, I wake up groggily to the sound of knocking on my door. "Yeah, yeah." I mutter and slowly make my way to the door, opening it to an oddly happy looking Tegan. In her hands she holds a steaming cup of coffee, and a plate topped with a sandwich and potato chips in her other hand.

She lifts the plate up to eye level, "I, uhm, made you something to eat. The thick part is in the middle, just how you like it." She smiles nervously.

"Thanks, Tee." I take the plate from her hand, only realizing just how hungry I am now that food has been put in front of me, and head backs towards my bed. I set the coffee on the nightstand, then crawl onto the bed and sit in the middle. Tegan's still standing in the doorway, picking awkwardly at her nails.

"You can come in." I sigh.

She closes the door quietly behind her, then shuffles over to the bed. She carefully sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at her feet.

I pick up half of the sandwich and take a big bite from the middle. The sounds of my chewing are the only thing filling the room.

"I'm sorry about earlier." She pipes up.

"So am I. You know I love you, like really love you, but you just can't bombard and rush me like that." I say softly. I wonder if Tegan even believes me anymore when I tell her I love her. It probably doesn't appear that way, and after certain words are spoken so many times, they start to lose their meaning.

She nods slightly, and repositions her body on the bed, closer to me. "I know, I just thought.. Well you've been flirting and teasing me like crazy lately, I just thought.. I don't know, I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up."

"No, you had every right to. I shouldn't have been acting like that." I idly pick at the crust on the bread, chewing it slowly as I put the tiny chunks in my mouth.

"Oh." She says, taken aback, and hurt.

"I didn't mean it like that, Tegan." I quickly apologize. I don't want her to think I was leading her on for some sick entertainment. I only felt like I shouldn't have done it because I had no intention of following through with a commitment when the time finally came, or at least not yet.

"Okay." She nods.

We sit through more silence as I continue to eat. She picks a few of the chips off my plate and crunches on them until the plate is empty. I set the plate on the bed next to me, and she glances at my hoodie, finally taking note of it.

"You still have that hoodie?" She asks with a smile.

"Hah, yeah. It holds a lot of memories."

"Yeah, I still remember the day you got it." She grins shyly, and scratches the back of her head.

"So do I." I grin back.

_Tegan stands behind me, clinging onto the back of my hoodie as she waits for me to get the door open. She had been leery about coming out with me tonight, knowing that there would be a lot of rule breaking going on. Surprisingly enough, I was the twin that tended to be more rebellious and daring. Tegan was a people pleaser, so she didn't like to take risks knowing that it could potentially upset other people. I on the other hand, didn't really care. I did what I wanted to, even at the expense of other people._

"_Can't you go any faster? Someone's going to see us!" She whispers in fear, bouncing from foot to foot. Each thump her shoe makes on the concrete is just distracting me more and I'm about to give up when I hear the click of the lock and the green light brighten._

"_Finally." I mutter and push the door open, stepping into the oldest building on campus, and reserved for the foreign language department. Tegan stands just outside the door, still hesitant. "Well, come on!" I snap my fingers and wave her in._

_She steps in and I quietly close the door then grab her hand. I lead us through the halls expertly in the dark, lit briefly only by the moonlight and street lamps shining through the windows._

"_What do you think the professors would think about their star pupil breaking into a building with her girlfriend, who also happened to be her twin sister?" She says under her breathe as we march up four flights of stairs._

"_I think they would say 'Good for you! Such actions keep the soul young, and free.'" I say in a deep voice, imitating the majority of the old, male professors that teach in this building._

"_Really?" She stops walking, and asks me quizzically. _

"_No, I'm just messing with you. You know they all have sticks up their asses." I laugh and tug on her arm, dragging her up the last staircase that leads out onto the roof._

"_Uhm, Sar, are you sure about this?" She asks as we walk out onto the roof, heading straight for the west side of the building._

"_Yeah, I come up here all the time in between classes. I want you to see something." I push her towards the ledge and wraps my arms around her middle from behind as the skyline comes into view._

"_What?"_

"_You're looking at it. Isn't it beautiful?" I ask in awe. I was positive it was the most beautiful view of the water and mountains that were typically hard to see on campus from the ground. If I looked straight up, there weren't many stars visible because we were in the city, but out there, I could see them so clearly. I loved it, and I knew Tegan would too._

"_Yeah..." She says quietly, and I know right then she's just as mesmerized as I am. _

_The chilly night air breezes past us, causing a shiver to run up Tegan's spine. I'm thankful she only wore a long sleeved shirt as I zip her up into my hoodie, trapping her. She tries to move her arms, realizes she's stuck, and starts to laugh._

"_So this is why you bought the extra large?" She asks knowingly._

"_Yup. Now we're siamese twins." I giggle._

_She continues to laugh, her whole body shaking from it, and attempts to move her body around so she's facing me, but all she is doing is massaging our bodies together. Her delicious bum is rubbing against the front of my jeans, getting me excited. "Stop squirming like that!" I whine._

"_Why, is it getting you hot?" She laughs evilly, moving her body even more to torture me._

"_Mmm, yeah." I moan and rest my hands on the ledge to steady us._

_Eventually she gets her body turned around so we're facing each other. She snakes her arms around me to rest her hands in my back pockets. She gives each cheek a firm squeeze. I let my head fall forward and groan in pleasure and frustration. I didn't bring her up here to have sex, but if that's what the night led to... I certainly wasn't going to fight it._

"_You are the cutest thing, ever." She kisses the top of my head._

_I glare up at her through my eyelashes, irked that I'm now horny. She peers down at me innocently with her big brown eyes and I feel myself turn to putty. "On the contrary, _you're _the cutest thing ever."_

"_Nope." She shakes her head. Her long hair hits me in the face, tickling my cheeks._

"_Yup." I insist._

"_Nope." She repeats, an evil smirk forming on her face._

"_Don't argue with me. You know you won't win."_

"_Maybe that's just what I'm hoping for." She teases, squeezing the flesh she holds in her hands again._

"_Maybe that's not what I'm in the mood for." I counter._

"_Yeah, right." She scoffs, and rolls her eyes playfully._

_I look at her seriously, "Maybe I just want to have a quiet night on this rooftop with my girlfriend, admire the stars; admire her. No talking, no excessive touching, just existing; together."_

_She looks away and blushes. I take the opportunity to plant a sweet kiss on her cold cheek._

"_I'm so lucky to have you. I love you." She turns her face back to me and catches my lips in a kiss._

_I smile into it, then she does too, and I pull away. I open my mouth to speak, then shut it again, not wanting to contradict what I just said by arguing with her over who is actually the lucky one. "I love you too," I settle on._

_She pulls her hands out of my pockets and moves them up, resting them on the small of my back, under my shirt. We lock gazes and she quickly looks down to my lips, then back up again. "Can we have excessive touching if it's just with our lips?"_

_I smile and nod, leaning in to swipe my tongue across her top lip. She parts them and I slip my tongue into her warm mouth, causing the butterflies in my stomach to take flight; Tegan being the only person on earth to make that happen. I can taste the Chinese food we had earlier on her. My hands leave their place from the ledge and link together in her hair, pulling her closer as our tongues expertly collide with each other._

"That was a good night." She utters, interrupting me from my thoughts.

"No," I disagree and she frowns before I can continue, "that was a great night."

I move the empty plate over to the night stand and look back at Tegan. She's got her head turned, and is staring out the window. The light is, again, hitting her face in the most perfect, beautiful way. I curse myself for putting the bed in this spot. She senses my gaze and looks at me. She's almost smiling, and she looks so calm. How does she do that? I put her through Hell, and she still finds it in herself to not only not stay upset with me, but to love me. She's so perfect, I can't take it.

I grab fistfuls of her shirt in each hand and yank her forward, finally, _finally_, letting our lips meet after years of missing each other. She grunts as her body crashes into my own, making us fall backwards. It feels so good to have another person's body on top of me. I force my tongue into her mouth, salty from the chips she just ate. I don't pay attention to see if she's kissing back, wanting this. It feels amazing to be connected to her like this, I feel so alive.

I flip us over, pin her arms down, and press my body against hers, pushing her down into the mattress. She's making a lot of noise, but I don't pay attention to whether they're moans or groans, and choose to only take them as signs of encouragement.

She shoves her mouth closer to mine and bites down on my tongue harshly. I cry out in pain and reel back. "Ow! What the fuck did you do that for?! That hurt!" I touch my finger to my tongue and pull it away, seeing that it's covered in blood. "Fuck, it's bleeding."

"You weren't listening and it was the only way to get you to stop." She crosses her arms and looks away, clearly not sorry for her action.

"Why did we need to stop?! This is what you want, isn't it?!" I hiss.

She takes a deep breath, her nostrils flaring, and turns back to me. She looks pissed. "No! I'm not your fucking rebound! I don't want to fuck, I want to make love. You don't give a shit that it's me lying underneath you. I'm just another toy to help you get off. I've let you do what you want these past couple weeks. If you want to flirt with me, tease me, even cuddle with me and make me think my chance is finally coming, then fine, I can manage to handle that, but i'm _not_ sleeping with you whenever it's when _you _want and only on _your _terms." She huffs and pushes me off of her.

I climb back on top of her and hover over her, making sure that my body isn't actually on top of hers. I try to soften my features, and not let her anger make me angry, to make her see that she's not just a rebound, she's so much more. "None of that is true. I wouldn't use you like that."

"Oh?" She laughs with disgust, then grabs my waist and flips us over so she's now straddling me and gripping my shirt. "Then be my girlfriend, Sara. Commit to me and you can touch me all you want." She speaks through gritted teeth.

"Tegan, don't start." I warn.

I didn't think it was possible, but her features darken even more yet I can still see a world of sadness in them. "You're so selfish! Do you ever not think about yourself?! Do you ever stop to think about how I might feel?! I'm so fucking in love with you, and i'm right here!" She sobs loudly. "I'm right here and you don't even see me! You almost lost me Sara, do you get that?! I almost died! Why are you being so stupid?! Why won't you just fucking be with me?!" Her head falls onto my chest, her whole body shaking with sobs.

"Because i'm scared, okay?!" I yell back. I'm tempted to wrap my arms around her in a comforting hug, but even that scares me too much.

She backs down, letting go of my shirt, and crawls off of me. "You don't let fear get in the way of love. You should know that." She announces quietly. She climbs off the bed, stomps out of the room, tears streaming down her face, and slams the door shut.


	24. Homeward Bound

**A/N:** I just want you all to know that this is _not _the last chapter since it kind of reads like it could be. I still have a couple more planned out, then I can start working on another story! This is one of my favorite chapters, so I hope you all like it! :)

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**Tegan's POV**

I had it all planned out. After Sara and Emy broke up, Sara would take me out to dinner. It would be casual, nothing too fancy, but we would have fun and it would feel special. Then, we would come back to her house and she would take my hands in hers. She would ask me if she could be my girlfriend again, and I, of course, would say yes. Next, she would ask me if I would kiss her. Again, I, of course, would. I would take her face in my hands and slowly pull her close. We wouldn't break eye contact until the feelings of our lips meeting forced them to flutter shut. It would have been perfect and nothing else would have mattered from then on, because it would be the start of our happily ever after.

However, it didn't go as planned. Sara basically attacked me, shoving her tongue in my mouth, and took that all away from me. That was five days ago. I've been avoiding her as much as I can, which isn't that hard since she's at work all day and I only come out of my room to eat and use the bathroom. But that's no excuse for Sara. It's her house, she can easily barge her way into my room and force me to listen as she talks, or even better, apologizes. I didn't think I was asking much for only wanting her to say two simple words. She knows what all of this means to me, what finally kissing her meant, and she just crushed it with her bare hands.

Since it's Saturday, it's going to be much more difficult to avoid Sara since she doesn't have work. I'm hoping I can quickly eat my bowl of oatmeal before she makes her way downstairs. I'm just shoveling the last spoonful into my mouth when I hear her coming down the stairs.

"Long time, no see." She says as she heads straight for the coffee machine, pushing the power button making it whir to life.

"Yeah, well, you know." I mumble and rinse out my bowl in the sink, ready to head back upstairs.

"Listen Tegan, we need to talk." She sighs and reaches for my hand.

I take a step back, out of her reach. "Oh, are you finally going to apologize?"

She clenches her teeth together, realizing I'm not going to make this easy for her anymore. "I'm sorry I kissed you under those circumstances. I shouldn't have taken that away from you."

"You shouldn't have taken that away from _us_." I correct her.

"Right. Well, uhm, anyway, what I want to talk about is..." she takes a deep breath, then squares her shoulders and looks me dead in the eye, "I think it's time you went back to Vancouver."

I take another step back, bracing myself against the counter as the words sink in. She couldn't possibly be saying what I think she's saying. "Wh-what?"

"I don't think this is where you belong," she continues, and it's just another blow to the chest. I didn't come here and go through everything that I did only to have her send me back with nothing. I won't allow it.

I turn around to face her, not ashamed of the steady stream of tears pouring from each of my eyes. She doesn't look sorry at all, she looks completely void of any emotion. This doesn't feel like the heartbreak like the first time she left, this is ten times worse. I can't stand being in the same room as her, and march past her.

She grabs my wrist and pulls me back towards her, "Wait. I'm not done."

"Well I am." I snap, but it only comes out sounding pathetic and tired.

"No, you're not. You're going to want to hear what I have to say." She says cooly. Has she gone mad? What kind of awful trick does she have up her sleeve? "I don't think this is where you belong," she repeats, "and I don't think this is where I belong either. I- I belong where you are, and if you belong in Vancouver, then that's where I should be too."

"What are you saying?" I take a step back and squint my eyes at her.

She chuckles and moves her hand slightly lower to link our fingers together. "I'm saying that you were right. You don't let fear get in the way of love, so I'm not going to anymore. I'm tired of holding us back, and I'm sorry it took so much time and pain for me to realize I was foolish. I want to love you properly, how I was made to, so if you'll still have me, I'm yours Tegan," she smiles and squeezes my hand, then lets her smile falter just enough for me to catch it. "But– "

"I knew there was a catch." I roll my eyes. Does she always have to make things so complicated?

"I want you to go back to Vancouver first. Move out of your crappy studio and find us a place, apartment or house, I don't care, just make sure we have our own bedrooms and that there is a guest room. Go back to work, do whatever it is that you want, and get settled back into your life."

I can't tell if she's being serious or not. She _looks _like she's serious but how did her brain manage to come up with this as a solution? She was actually willing to let me be in charge of where we lived, and what it looked like?

"What are you going to do?" I ask skeptically.

"I'm going to stay here until I sell the house, and figure out what there is to do about my career. When all that is taken care of, then I will come to Vancouver and rightfully be yours." She grabs my other hand in hers and swings them side to side between our bodies.

"How long will that take?"

"I don't know. One month, maybe six." She shrugs her shoulders.

Six months? There was no way in Hell I could survive that long in a long distance relationship right after getting back together, but it didn't seem like I had any other choice and I didn't want to start anymore arguments.

"You know that all sounds really fucked up, right?" I look at her with a crazed look.

"Yes." She laughs.

"How do I know this just isn't some sort of trick to get me out of your house, and your life?"

She pulls the necklace chain out from under her shirt then off from around her neck. Undoing the clasp, she slides the ring off and places it in my palm, and wraps my fingers around the cool metal. "Here. You know how much this ring means to me, so take it with you. You can put it back in its proper place when I get to you. That's how you know it's not a trick, okay?"

"Okay." I say. I put the ring in my pocket, knowing that she has to be serious if she's willing to part with that for so long.

"Will you kiss me now?" She asks excitedly.

"Okay." I giggle.

I pretend like the kiss the other day hadn't happened, and make sure this kiss, this real kiss, is just how it was always meant to be.

I tuck the stray strands of hair hanging in her face behind her ears and cup her jaw gently with my hands. My thumbs caress her cheeks as I search her eyes, making sure that this is real, and actually happening. I watch her eyes light up and the edges crease as her lips pull into a smile and my own do the same. I slide my hand down her neck and to her chest, resting it over her rapidly beating heart and she mimics my actions over my own heart. Two identical hearts beat in time as the one they were always meant to be. Just as I pictured, Sara's eyes start to flutter shut as I close the distance. I catch her pouty bottom lip between mine, and I feel like I'm finally home after years of being lost. I slip my hand to the back of her head and draw her in closer, my nose squishing flat against her skin.

We pull away at the same time, our lips sticking to each other and protesting at being pulled apart. Both of our breathing is ragged from the simple kiss, but I take it as a good sign.

I lean my forehead against hers and murmur, "Now _that's _what our kisses should feel like."

–––

The next few days passed impossibly fast. Sara took two days off of work and we spent them together in her bed. We didn't have sex, I told her I wanted to wait until we were together for good, in Vancouver. I expected her to argue but she actually agreed. I knew she was still scared, it was written all over her face, but I'm glad she's finally going to give us another try. I'm hoping the time we are about to spend apart will be long enough to let her fully get over her fears and we can pick up right where we left off all those years ago when we're finally reunited.

Today was the day I was flying back to Vancouver. I was excited to finally go back home, but I really didn't want to leave Sara. In only the two nights that we had slept in the same bed, and I was able to hold her all night, I knew I would having trouble sleeping in my bed alone. I just really hope she makes it back to me sooner than later.

Before we leave for the airport, I'm making Sara give me the 'For Sale' sign she bought for the house so I can be the one to stick it in the ground. She hands it over and watches from her front porch as I carefully walk down the icy walkway and shove the spiked ends of the sign through the wet snow and into the partially frozen ground. I wipe my gloved hands on my jeans then turn towards Sara and give her a huge grin. She smiles back and laughs. I walk as quickly, and carefully, as I can back up to her and pull on her winter jacket to bring her in for a kiss.

When I pull away she quickly looks around at the neighborhood, making sure no one is outside and could have seen us, even though I'm wearing a beanie and sunglasses so no one would even know who I am. When she can't find anyone, she ducks her head, and briskly walks back inside. I sigh and follow in behind her.

She steps around my backpack and the small suitcase I had to purchase for the stuff I had acquired while I was here, and heads for the couch. I plop down next to her and rest my head on her shoulder while we wait for the taxi to take us to the airport.

"Thank you," I say softly.

"For what?" She questions, and rests her head against mine.

"For trying. I was really starting to think that there was never going to be an us again."

"Oh. I guess was just sick of holding myself back. I'm still terrified on the inside, don't get me wrong," she chuckles. "But I know this is what I want, and I'm glad you pushed me enough to make me see it."

"Good, because I'm going to be making you see it for the rest of your life." I smile.

She laughs airily and we both turn our heads towards the window when we see the taxi pull up. I take a deep breathe and pull her up with me. I bring her in for one last goodbye kiss then we head out the door.

The ride to the airport is quiet. I set my stuff in the back seat so Sara and I would have to sit next to each other the whole way. After a silent argument, she gave in and held my hand the whole ride there. It's not until we arrive at the airport that the nerves and sadness start to set in. I can sense that Sara feels the same. That taxi waits as Sara and I take my things into the warmth of the airport to say our final goodbye.

We set my things down and stand in silence.

"What are you thinking about?" Sara searches my face, trying to make eye contact with me through my sunglasses.

I look to the ground before muttering, "The last time we were at an airport together."

_I thought the day Sara told me she was leaving me was the worst day of my life, but this passes that by far. I couldn't believe she was actually leaving. A part of me had been hoping this was all just part of an evil plan, and she was actually going to surprise me with my own plane ticket and tell me we were going on a romantic vacation, but that part of me just died when she hoisted her backpack on her shoulders and pulled out the single one way ticket to Montreal._

_I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. What am I supposed to say to her? I close my mouth and continue to play idly with my hands, and I look down to see the piece of jewelry I'm playing with; our ring. I look up at Sara to see her staring at my hand. I watch her reaction as I pull the ring off for good and shove it into my pocket. I open my mouth again, "I guess this is goodbye."_

_She lets her expression falter for only a second with a crease of her eyebrows and one single tear rolling down her face, "Yeah, I guess it is."_

"_I hope you find what you're looking for."_

"_You too." She gives me a pathetic excuse for a smile._

"_I don't have to look, she's right in front of me." I let out a choked sob._

_She crosses her arms and cocks her head to the side, "Tegan, c'mon. Don't do this."_

"_I'm not doing anything, Sara, you are."_

_She sighs and pulls me in unwillingly for a last hug. I don't hug her back as she wraps her arms around my waist, all I do is cry into the crook of her neck and try to memorize her scent before it's gone forever. Before I have time to let is sink in, she pulls away._

"_I'll text you about where to send my boxes once I find a place," is the last thing she says to me before turning around and walking away._

"Please don't think about that day, Tee. This is different, this is the start of something, not the end. We'll be together soon, I promise."

"I know, it just really sucks." I hurriedly wipe a tear away, and Sara pulls me in for a tight hug. After at least a minute has passed of us hugging, I loosen my grip around her waist and pull back. "Well I guess this is goodbye."

She shakes her head and smiles, "This is 'See you later!' We'll text, call, and skype every day."

I nod and return her smile then pick my bags up. I start to head for my gate, and turn around for one last glimpse at her. She's standing very stoically with her arms crossed in her puffy jacket. I can just make out the shiny streaks running down her face from the fresh tears.

I can't do it. I can't get on that plane without kissing her. Half my face is covered so no one is even going to notice that the two women kissing obscenely in the middle of the airport are sisters. I'll never admit to Sara that I wore what I did just so I could do what I'm about to do.

I drop my bags, not caring if someone picks them up and steals them at this point, and run towards her. Her eyebrows shoot up in shock and confusion. My hands are cupping her face and my lips are on hers before she can comprehend what's happening. She grips onto my forearms and kisses back with an intensity I've never felt, I feel like I might burst. Any doubt I had that Sara would back down from her commitment, is gone.

I pull away, out of breath, "I'm sorry, I just had to do that. I love you so much."

"I love you too," she chuckles and wipes her eyes. "Now go, or you'll miss your flight!" She reaches around behind me and smacks my bum then quickly realizes we're in public and her face turns bright red.

I give her one last peck on the cheek then hurry off towards my bags, and gate.


	25. Missing You

**A/N:** Sorry for the late update, I (kind of) moved/have been staying on a couch for the past few days and don't really have a place to write in private.. haha. Also sorry this chapter is kinda uneventful and either the next one or the one after that will be the last one! Which leads me to a question.. would any of you want to read a story of them in high school if they aren't related?

**Sara's POV**

When I made the decision a month ago to have Tegan go back to Vancouver, I thought it was the right thing to do. Now, I'm not so sure.

I had become accustomed to seeing her face every day, and I really miss it. Sure, we skype practically daily, but it's just not the same. I want to kiss her and I want her to bug me constantly by wanting to cuddle, hold hands, or just having our thighs touching while we watch a movie.

I thought this time away from Tegan would give me the opportunity to mentally transition myself back into the mindset of being her partner. I could wade in the shallow end for a bit instead of just plunging right in. It turns out I don't need the preparation. I was born and made to love Tegan. It comes so natural to us both that we don't have to try, and now I wish I could be by her side.

What's worse is that every time I see or hear Tegan through our computers, she seems so happy. She talks about work all the time, how great the new place is, that she's gotten back in touch with her friends like Lindsey, and just in general how great life is going. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy Tegan is no longer depressed but I can't help but worry that she won't miss me as much as I do her, and then she'll realize she won't need me. So lately, I've been trying to skype with her as much as I possibly can, including right now.

It's the weekend so I'm hoping she's hanging around at home. I sit down at the counter in the kitchen with my own laptop and click the video call button. It starts ringing and I wait, and wait. I hover the mouse over the end call button, ready to give up when she answers, out of breath.

"Hi baby!" She says happily, and loudly, then all I see is her thin wife beater clad back exiting the room.

I sigh and lean in closer to the screen, trying to make out what room she's left her computer in while I wait for her to come back. She's been very secretive about our new place, only telling me that it's a house with a small, but nice backyard that I can garden in, and that I'm going to love it. The only things I can see are a foot board for a big bed that the computer must be resting on, an open door, and a pale red wall. I wonder if maybe she's in what will be my bedroom.

I can hear her before I see her, her silly voice yelling out "Saraaaaa!" She enters back in the room with a pizza box and a few bottles of beer then disappears again out of my view.

"Are you drunk?" I chuckle.

She giggles and comes back into view on the camera, her blurry figure plopping face down onto the bed. She turns her face to the side, nods, then smiles at the camera, "You look cute." I feel my skin heat up and start to turn red from the simple compliment. I hope she can't tell I'm blushing.

"It's only like," I look up to the clock on the corner of my screen and quickly do the time conversion, "three o'clock by you. What's the big celebration?"

"There isn't one! I was painting your room today," She holds up her hands for me to show that they're covered in a diluted teal shade. "I was missing you so I bought beer and pizza to cheer me up!"

"You shouldn't be eating food like that, Tegan.. You need to get your healthy body back" I scold. She rolls her eyes and grabs a slice of the pizza, taking a huge bite and chewing it obnoxiously for me to see.

"This is the first time I've had pizza in months, and besides, I _do _have my healthy body back. In fact, I'm sexy!" She gives me a mischievous look, and I melt into a puddle. Oh, the things I would do to get my hands on her right now.

"Oh yeah? Show me." I plead.

She winks and climbs off the bed, out of view. Not only did Tegan not want to have sex before she left, but she hasn't even let our conversations we've had since we've been separated turn remotely sexual. I'm glad to see she's finally going to give in, and give me at least a glimpse.

I can hear muffled ruffling sounds coming from the background and peer closer at the screen. Seconds later her long bangs come into view, then her forehead, eyes, and finally her gummy grin. The necklace she's wearing falls out of her shirt and I see both of our rings side by side dangling off the chain. She starts laughing and sticks her tongue out, "Nope!"

"You're such a goon," I groan and lean back in my chair, realizing she's just messing with me.

"I know," she laughs and sits back in front of her computer normally. "But hey, I had to go three years with out being able to touch you, so I think you can handle a few months."

"Yeah, yeah." I grunt and take a sip of my own glass of water.

"So did you have something you wanted to talk about or just want to chat?" She cracks open one of her beers.

"Yeah, actually I wanted to show you something." I lean across the counter and grab the small cardboard box. I hold it in front of the camera so Tegan can get a good look at it. "I was my cleaning my closet out and found this, do you remember it?"

She narrows her eyes and eyes the box up and down, seeing her messy scrawl written on the address labels. "It's never been opened," she observes.

"I know," I sigh, turning the box over in my hands. "When it arrived on my doorstop, it was too soon for me, so I stuck it in the closet for later and I guess I just forgot about out."

"Well open it now then." She takes another sip from her beer. She fidgets with the bottle cap in her fingers, seemingly having sobered up quite a bit.

"With you watching?" I ask hesitantly. I don't have a clue as to what the box holds, but if Tegan sent it right after we broke up, the chances of the contents being something I'll find positive seem slim.

"Yup," she confirms with a nod of her head.

I hop off my chair, walk over to the drawer filled with silverware, and grab a sharp knife. I cut the tape holding the box shut and open the cardboard flaps. I glance at Tegan before I search through the box, and she's watching me intently through the screen. There's a small white envelope with my name written on it sitting on top. I pick it up and pull out the piece of paper; a small note that Tegan wrote.

_Sara,_

_I don't really know what to write, it's hard to organize my thoughts through this heartbreak but if I know you at all, then you have to be dealing with some heartbreak yourself. Though you were the one that left, I don't ever want you to be sad and I'm sure it's impossible not to be when you're alone in a big city like we both are. So, here's just a little housewarming gift, I suppose._

_I hope you find what you're looking for in Montreal, but please always remember that I love you with all my heart and if you ever want to come back home, the door is always open._

_-Tegan_

A tear falls onto the thing paper, blurring her words. I quickly wipe my eyes and peek at my computer screen to find Tegan in the same position, just watching me. Turning back to the box, I pick up the first item; a picture frame. I flip it over to see a picture of Tegan and I housed inside it. It's from the day Tegan's roommate and best friend, Lindsey, took pictures of us acting like an actual couple outside. Tegan's giving me a piggy back ride and I've got one hand on her face, squishing her cheeks together with my own head thrown back in laughter.

I laugh and flip it towards the camera, showing Tegan, and she grins proudly, "We're cute!"

"Totally," I agree with a smile. "Do you think Lindsey would take new pictures of us?"

"Of course! You really want her to?!" She asks excitedly.

"Yeah, why not? Maybe just around the house and backyard though."

"Okay, I'll ask her!" She beams and reaches for her phone, texting Lindsey right away.

I shake my head and chuckle, then turn my attention back to the box on the counter. I pull out a bag of goldfish crackers and gummy worms; my two favorites. Under that is a brand new copy of the book The Hotel New Hampshire; one of mine and Tegan's favorites. We've both read the current copy I own multiple times and it has definitely seen better days. I flip through it quickly, getting a whiff of that new book smell even though it's been packed in a box for years.

"I know it wasn't much, but.." Tegan interrupts me from my thoughts.

"It's perfect. We'll hang the picture up when I come to Vancouver." I finish for her.

"When you come _home_," she corrects me. "I know just the place to put it."

"Oh? Do tell." I ask.

"Nope, it's a surprise. It's a place just for us though, and you're going to love it." She flashes me a cheeky grin.

"You're the worst." I moan and let my head fall onto the counter, my shoulders slouching. If only I could snap my fingers and be there with her now.

I lift my head and glare at her. She giggles evilly and takes a bite out of her pizza. I know she's enjoying torturing me like this because I did it to her for years. I can't blame her for wanting to do it. I spend the next few minutes watching her eat her pizza, and she just watches me watch her. This is usually how we spend our skype calls. We don't need to talk the whole time, just be able to see each other as we do our own thing.

My phone starts to ring and I reluctantly tear my eyes away from her and answer the call. Tegan makes a bunch of funny faces at me, trying to make me laugh as I talk with the person on the other line. I cover my mouth to stifle my laughs and turn the computer away so she's forced to look at the refrigerator.

When I'm done with my conversation, I turn the screen back around and see Tegan lying on her back playing with our rings.

"Guess what?" I startle her.

"Hmm?" She looks at me, and I can tell she must have finished another beer while I was on the phone.

"There's been an offer on the house." I tell her with a twinkle in my eye.


	26. Reunion

**A/N:** So here's the second to last chapter! It's not much, but I'm hoping the last one will come out really good (and cute!) Also, thanks for all the comments last chap. and letting me know what you would think about a story of them in HS/unrelated. I'm gonna go ahead and do that one next. I've thought of every way I could to somehow write them in as sisters but none of them work well with what I want to write so I'm going to try and do some different oneshots with them related while also working on that story if you all want to read those.

**Sara's POV**

When I got the first offer on the house two months ago, I thought it would be a for sure thing, and I would be on a plane out to Vancouver within the next week. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned. The couple interested in the house made their offer, and realtor I had gone through advised me not to take it. He revised it a bit to better benefit me, and I went along with it since it really was not that big of a compromise to the couple's original offer, but apparently they didn't like it and withdrew the offer. I was devastated and so was Tegan once I finally told her after not being able to avoid it any longer. She tried to look on the bright side and cheer me up, telling me that it only gave her more time to perfect our house and that when we were finally reunited, it would just be that much more special.

However, thankfully there was an offer put in last week and I accepted it yesterday. Over the months, I've been sending my belongings to Tegan so all I have to take with me to Vancouver on the plane is my carry on and one large suitcase. I had no personal attachment to any of my furniture so that's staying with the house. Now, all I have to do is wait for my taxi to come pick me up to take me to the airport.

After he arrives, it's a quick ride to the airport and before I know it, I'm up in the air on my way to Tegan. Desperate to pass the time, I pull out the instruction manual to the gift I bought for her; a brand new flip camcorder. She used to document our relationship all the time before, and I'd like for her to continue doing that, only this time I won't let her be so secretive about what she's recorded.

When the plane lands and I get my luggage, I call for another taxi. I read my new address off my phone to the driver, and watch as the old familiar streets pass me by. I loved living in Montreal, but I can't deny that this is really where I should be. The taxi turns into a more ritzy neighborhood filled with small but nice historic houses, and my excitement rises. I knew Tegan made good money from producing music, but I didn't think she would go all out. The driver pulls up to light brown house and I check the house number just to be sure. I thank him and hand him some cash, grab my luggage from the trunk, and stand in front of the house. I hadn't told Tegan the house sold, or that I was here. I wanted to surprise her and new she would be at work for another hour. I haul my stuff into the house and take a look around. The ceilings are high and the woodwork inside the house is gorgeous. She's furnished it simply, and modernly. It's a perfect mix of both of our styles. I check out the rest of the downstairs then head up stairs with my luggage to find my room. I find Tegan's room first, seeing the familiar pale red wall from our skype dates and another door that leads to a bathroom. I move onto the next room, knowing instantly that it's mine. The walls are a light teal color with cream bedding. There's a small reading nook in the corner by the window with built in book shelves that are already housing only a fraction of the books I own. The walls are pretty bare, left for me to decorate them how I please. There are two doors in the room, and I open the first one to find a small walk in closet with all of my clothes and the other a fairly large bathroom. I check the shower, noticing how spacious it is and that the shower head is removable. I can already tell Tegan and I will definitely be spending a lot of time in there. I walk back into the room towards my suitcase and dig out the picture of Tegan and I and the camcorder then head back downstairs to the kitchen.

My eyes immediately land on the shiny new coffee maker on the counter. God bless Tegan. It's one of those that make the single cups with the little flavor cups. Next to it, is a tall stack of boxes of different flavors. I settle on a french vanilla one and find a black coffee cup in the counter above me. Minutes later, I have a steamy cup of delicious coffee. The aroma fills the room and my nose. It feels like home already. I hop onto the counter and take a sip from my cup while I wait for Tegan.

About thirty minutes later I hear the sound of the front door being toyed with and butterflies fill my stomach. I quickly grab the camcorder and turn it on, wanting to record Tegan's face when she sees me sitting in our kitchen. There's some more muffled sounds of her taking her shoes and coat off and dropping her bag onto the couch then the sounds cease abruptly. I wonder if the scent of the coffee traveled to the living room. I guess it must have because a second later I hear Tegan whisper my name, then she's running into the kitchen and skidding across the slippery hardwood floor in her mismatched socked feet.

I hold the camera up to eye level, catching every movement of her grinning face getting closer. She collides into my knees and I prop the camera against the coffee maker, hoping it's catching every moment. Her hands grip onto my thighs and she squeezes them with tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You're here, you're home!" She cries in delight. I can see her eyes dance and sparkle with happiness, and I wonder how I could have ever lived for so long with out seeing them every morning and night. It's so amazing to witness the joy I can bring to another person, especially when they bring me the same amount of joy.

I smile and nod, grabbing her face with my hands and wipe her tears away. I pull her in close, kiss her sweetly, and I swear there are fireworks. I feel so good, I don't ever want to stop kissing her. She smiles against my lips then slowly pulls away.

I pout. She giggles and rubs her hands up my thighs and around my waist, pulling me into a tight hug. I squeeze her back just as tight and bury my face into the crook of her neck, inhaling her sweet coconut scent.

"You have no idea how happy I am right now, Sasa," she whispers into my ear, and my heart fills with happiness

"I think I do, Teetee," I whisper back.

We remain frozen, just embracing each other and reveling in what it feels like to be in the others arms for who knows how long until Tegan breaks the silence.

"So what's with the camcorder?" She kisses my neck lightly.

"It's your present." I tell her.

She stands back up straight, letting her arms come back to rest on my thighs. I wrap my legs around her, and lock my ankles together behind her back, trapping her as she reaches for the camcorder. She focuses it on me and I smile, embracing it.

"You bought me a present then proceeded to open and use it?" She laughs.

"Yup. Gotta problem with that?" I laugh with her and playfully jab her sides.

"I sure do, but don't worry, you'll be punished..," she leans into my face with a wicked grin, "..with kisses." She pecks my nose then moves her lips across my cheek, to my forehead, back down to my other cheek and to my chin, planting kisses everywhere. She finishes my punishment with a deep kiss to my lips. Her tongue grazes my bottom lip and I part them, allowing her to take the kiss deeper. As soon as her tongue meets my own, I moan. I run my fingers through her hair to pull her closer and she continually rubs her hand across my thigh, her other hand cupping my cheek.

She detaches her lips from mine and pants, "Wa-wait."

"What's wrong?" I tug on her hair and start sucking on her exposed neck.

"Nothing, I just don't want our second 'first time' to be on the kitchen counter." She breathes, trying as hard as she can to not get distracted by my lips on her sensitive skin.

"Then take me where you want." I whisper with hot breath into her ear.

A shiver runs down her spine and she leans her forehead against mine to regain her composure. When her breathing steadies, she hands me the camcorder and picture frame I brought down with me.

"Did you check out the house?" She asks.

"A bit. I looked at the bedrooms briefly."

"Did you see your shower?" She grins sexily.

"Mm, yeah, is that where you're going to take me?" I ask with hope.

"No," she chuckles, "I'm taking you to the special room, that's just for us. Now hold on tight." She instructs, turning around so her back is to me. I wrap my arms around her neck, frame and camcorder in hand, and let her carry me through the living room and up the stairs.

As we're walking the upstairs, I grab ahold of her shirt collar and pull it away from her neck. I focus the camera lens down her shirt, getting a great view of her breasts swaying with each step she takes.

"You're so sexy," I mutter and lick her earlobe.

She squirms and laughs, trying to shake my hand loose from her shirt, but it's no use. I laugh in triumph until we get to the end of the hallway upstairs and she drops my legs, letting me struggle to regain my footing.

I look at her quizzically as there are no rooms this far down, only a large window that looks out into the backyard. She reaches her arm up and I now notice the short rope hanging from the ceiling. She tugs on it and slowly lowers the small staircase.

"The attic is our special room? Really?" I look at her in disbelief. Every attic I've ever come into contact with has been creepy and disgusting, and something I usually avoid.

"You're going to love it, I promise." She assures me and takes the camcorder and frame from me and starts to climb up the stairs. "Wait here."

"Okay, come up." She reaches the top and turns around, recording me as I step onto the first creaky stair. I walk up carefully, and stand to full height in the small room. We're just the perfect height so our heads don't knock into the ceiling.

"So what do you think?" She smiles wide.

I take a look around the room, letting my jaw fall open at how perfect it is.


	27. I Love You Forever

**A/N: **So here's the final chapter! I hope it doesn't disappoint! I want to thank you all for reading and sticking through this story with me. I didn't think I would spend around three months on it, and have it be this long. So.. thanks! Any last comments are always appreciated. :)

Also, I'm like 99% sure my next story is going to be called Symbiosis and about them in high school. I'll try to get the first chapter up within a week if you're interested in that.. and there are a few other one shots that are have finished that I'm going to try to finish within the coming weeks!

* * *

**Tegan's POV**

I watched in delight as Sara's face lit up and then her jaw drop in awe as she took in the small space I had created for us in the attic. Luckily, when I bought the house, the attic was in decent condition and I really only had to furnish it, but it took me weeks to do that. Eventually I settled on bringing Sara's favorite books up to place on a small bookshelf and a tiny television with all of the movies we owned stacked next to it. I strung white Christmas lights up everywhere and littered the entire floor with huge throw pillows. It was a perfect cozy little area for Sara and I to be alone and just relax.

"This is perfect, babe," Sara utters.

I turn the camcorder off and set it on bookshelf. I motion with my finger for Sara to come closer and she steps into my open arms. Her large sweater brushes my skin softly and I shiver. She smiles, looking deep into my eyes and I get lost, never wanting to look away from those perfect brown irises. Her fingers reach up to toy with the short chain around my neck that's holding our rings. She unclasps it and slides both of them onto her palm. I pick the gold one up and slip it onto her finger and she exhales, a huge smile forming on her face. I lean in and kiss her nose as she slips the silver ring onto my finger. We stand in the middle of the room, holding each other and I remember one last thing I had to show her about the room.

"Look up," I say quietly, and she does. The moonlight shining in through the huge skylight illuminates her face and she gasps. "I know how much you like to look at the stars so- " Sara promptly shuts me up with her lips.

We stumble backwards and fall onto the pile of fluffy pillows. I can feel all of the love Sara has for me travel from her lips to mine and I can't hold back any longer. I need to show her how much she means to me. I flip us over and straddle her, reaching for the hem of her sweater and pull it off. From this position, the glow of her skin is even more breathtaking. The goosebumps rising on her skin from the cold slowly become visible.

"Tegan.." she sighs, sitting up and reaching for the hem of my own top and guiding it off my thin body. I unclasp my bra and shrug it off, tossing it to the side amongst our tops. She does the same. My bare torso exposed, she stops to take in every inch. Her smile continuously grows as her fingers trace each of my tattoos then come down to feel the muscles in my flat stomach. Her hands come around to reach me behind me, her short nails drag down my back as she kisses between my breasts.

"Sara.. I.." I gasp, tangling my fingers in her hair.

She kisses up to my collar bone then lowers us back down onto the pillows. My body is perfectly aligned with hers, our hearts beating rapidly in time against each other. The sharp intake of her breath fills my ears as I kiss across her cheek, down her jaw, and nip at her neck. Her hands find my face, and guide it away from her skin so she can look me in the eye.

"Show me how much you need me, Tegan," she says, almost pleading as her moist eyes search my own.

I nod, promising that I'm going to take care of her, and give her what she wants. I resume my kisses, trailing them down her neck and to her chest. I palm her left breast and take her right nipple between my lips, sucking on it.

"Ohh," she breathes, her back arching slightly.

I grin and move across to her left breast, taking the already stiff bud between my teeth and soothing it with a lick before kissing down her stomach, while my hands continue to toy with her chest. I dip my tongue into her bellybutton and she laughs breathily, so I do it again.

"Tee.." She giggles, and pushes gently on my head, trying to get me to go lower.

I lift my head and smile at her, seeing the light layer of sweat already accumulated on her forehead. She smiles back and cups my cheek. I nuzzle into it, and turn my head, kissing her palm before I sit up and reach for her belt. Once it's undone, I unbutton her pants and tug them down her legs, throwing them off to the side. I grip her knees as I take her in, now only dressed in her white boy briefs.

"So beautiful.." I mumble as I memorize each new dip and curve of her body. She blushes and I crawl back up her body, kissing her lips sweetly. "I love you, Sara."

She smiles, a real smile, and kisses me back, mumbling against my lips. "I love you, too."

I kiss her again once more and stand up, slowly removing my own jeans and underwear. She eyes me up and down, drool threatening to spill from between her lips.

"Mine." She states, reaching her hand out. I take it and let her pull me back on top of her.

I caress her silky body as we make out, not wanting to hurry things along too quickly. She detaches her lips from mine, trying to steady her ragged breathing as she moves my hand down to cup her mound. I lean back on my heels and finally guide the last item of clothing between us down her legs. She lets her legs fall open, revealing her glistening pink pussy and all I can think is, mine.

I lower myself between her legs, inhaling her scent, my nose barely brushing against her swollen clit. She squirms, tangling her fingers through my hair to pull me closer. I'm surprised she hasn't complained that I've been moving so slow but I didn't want this to just be about getting off, but about sharing and exploring the love we had created together.

I take one broad lick up her slit and peek up at her, her breasts heaving up and down. She's staring back down at me, all the love in her eyes having now turned to lust.

"Please," she begs and I give her what she wants, burying my face deep into her and eating her out like I've been starved for years. I moan into her, gripping at her thighs as I cover every part of her I can. She tastes even sweeter than I remember.

"Oh god, Sara," I suck her swollen button between my lips, causing her thighs to shake. I move my hand to her entrance, gently circling my finger around it. I look up to her, remembering what she had told me about how her sex life had changed. She hesitates and bites her lip, then settles on a decision. She nods, giving me the go ahead, and her head drops back to the pillows as I continue.

I slowly push my middle finger in, feeling her warm walls clench around the digit. I remove it just as slowly then back in again, developing a steady rhythm before I enter her with two fingers.

"Ooh that feels good," she moans, bucking her hips up to meet my movements.

I pick up my pace to match her frantic moans, and curl my fingers on each thrust, hitting her g-spot, only to straighten them as I pull back out. The slick sounds of our love making fill the room as well as Sara's loud panting. It's music to my ears.

"Tee.. I'm.. I'm gonna.. Ohhh," she cries in ecstasy, her orgasm building.

I place a soft kiss to her clit and slink up her body quickly. I need to watch her and hold her as I bring her the most intense pleasure the human body can experience. She watches me through slitted eyes as I move in and out of her. I cradle my hand behind her head and she digs her nails into my back as pleasure rips through her body.

Sara throws her head back as her eyes roll into the back of her head while her body shudders beneath me. I slip my fingers out of her, drenched in her juices. She sighs, now feeling empty, and looks at me.

"That was mind blowing." She says with a dazed smile.

I chuckle and brush my nose against hers in a sweet eskimo kiss before collapsing next to her and finding her hand amongst the pillows, rubbing her hand with the pad of my thumb. We turn our heads at the exact same time to look at each other and burst out in giggles.

"Twins." Sara laughs, and rolls her body on top of mine. She begins sucking on my neck and I place my hands on her bum, squeezing the flesh there. She bites my neck, scolding me and I whimper, letting my hands fall back against the pillows.

I feel and hear her yawn as she rests her head against my chest for a moment before moving to continue. I grab her chin and lift her head to look at me, pushing her sweaty hair off of her face.

"You're exhausted," I state.

She nods, "But I want to.."

"I know. Tomorrow, though." I turn onto my side and she lands off of me, on her side. "All day, if you want," I wink.

"Okay, but I call big spoon tonight then," she agrees with a grin.

I chuckle and tuck her hair behind her ear then reach across her body for a blanket. I unfold it and throw it across our small bodies, trapping the heat under us. I roll over so my back is to her and she scoots her bare body closer, her breasts pushing up against my back. I snuggle into her and she snakes her hand around my waist, and buries her face into my hair. I feel her inhale and breathe warm air back against my neck.

"Sweet dreams, Tee." She whispers, planting a soft kiss to my nape.

"With you, always." I reply back, already falling into a deep sleep to the feeling of Sara drawing small circles on my stomach.

Hours later, I wake up to the bright sun glaring through skylight. I squint my eyes and stretch my limbs out, falling onto my back. Sara's sitting next to me, still naked, reading a book.

"Good morning," she says, flipping the page.

"Indeed." I murmur, moving closer to her so I can rest my head in her lap. She absentmindedly plays with my hair as she continues to read her book. I notice that it's the copy of The Hotel New Hampshire I had sent her. I turn my head and kiss the inside of her thigh, "I'm so glad you're here, with me."

"Me too," she smiles.

"So.. what do you want to do today? I don't have to work."

"If I recall correctly, you said something about having sex all day?" She grins, flipping another page in her book.

I giggle and sit up on my knees, leaning into kiss her, "Let's go for a walk first."

"But it's cold out," she pouts, sticking a bookmark into her book and setting it off to the side.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm. Now c'mon!" I stand up and pull on her arms, dragging us back down to the second level of the house. I open her door and push her in, telling her to get dressed. I go to my own room across the hall, and throw on some jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. We exit our rooms at the same time, bumping into each other, and descend the stairs hand in hand.

After helping each other zip and button our winter coats and pulling hats and mittens on, I lead Sara out the door. She follows behind me silently down the narrow path to the sidewalk, then joins me by my side. Our silence continues as we walk through the neighborhood in the cold Vancouver winter, our breath visible. I link my arm with Sara's and she looks at me with fear hidden deep in her eyes because we are out in public.

"It's okay." I assure her with a smile.

She nods and we cross the street, continuing our way back home. Once we get back in front of our house, I grab Sara's hand and pull her into me. She looks at me questioningly, wondering why I stopped her. I take her face in my fuzzy mitten covered hands and kiss her passionately right in the middle of the street. She pulls back, her face flushed from the cold and the kiss. For a moment, I think she's upset and going to yell at me for being foolish but her lips pull up into a rare gummy grin.

My own identical smile forms and I wrap my arms around her waist, my forehead resting against hers as we stare into each other's eyes.

"I love you, Sara. Forever."

Her eyes slowly shut and she takes a deep, quivering breath. She opens her eyes back up, moist with tears, and she opens her mouth to speak softly. I close my own eyes, letting the wonderful feeling expand through my body over the words I know she's about to say.

"Je t'aime, ma cherie."


End file.
